God speaks to me in whispers.....

  As I sit here writing; I was thinking how I am always asking God for BIG signs.  If you hear me Lord  then show me this or that to let me know Jay is okay.  July 9th, the day Jay left us is getting closer and closer and with it  the familiar "deep/raw" heartache is settling in.  It is so hard not knowing if my Jay is in a peaceful place.  It torments me - breaks me; as a Mom I need to know my boys are okay.  I demand God to shout at me but mostly he speaks to me in whispers. Just then a beautiful hawk flies in front of my window and lands in the tree. Yesterday I came across the poem "God Speak To Me"; another gentle whisper.  Then a friend told me this morning that when I see a dragonfly (which always makes me think of Jay); God is whispering "Jason is okay - he is with me."  He told me that when I demand things I am testing God; I just need to have FAITH....I will BELIEVE eventhough at times it's hard for me - I will never understand Jason dieing so young.

GOD, SPEAK TO ME
The woman whispered,
"God, speak to me,"
and a meadowlark sang,
... but the woman did not hear.
So the woman yelled,
"God, speak to me!"
and the thunder rolled across the sky,
but the woman did not listen.
The woman looked around and said,
"God, let me see you,"
and a star shined brightly,
but the woman did not notice.
And the woman shouted,
"God, show me a miracle!"
and a life was born,
but the woman did not know.
So the woman cried out in despair,
"Touch me, God, and let me know you are here!"
whereupon God reached down and touched the woman
but the woman brushed the butterfly away
and walked on.

Journey

My friend's husband was out shopping for an anniversary card for his wife; their anniversary being the upcoming Sunday.  While in the store he passed by this sign and thought I should buy this for her; but he questioned the decision for they agreed not to buy gifts.  He said that he kept hearing in his head you have to buy this.  He didn't understand the strong pull; so he bought it.  While out cutting the grass; he questioned his purchase again and thought I will give it to her today.  Last night he hands this to my friend; she looks at him in surprise and says this is not for me.  It is meant for Nancy; for these are the exact words that I have been saying to her. When she gave this to me; it opened my heart and all the tears I have been holding back this week came flooding to the surface. The closer I get to July 9th; the day Jay left me - the more real the pain gets.  We talked and cried for hours allowing the grief to pour out from my heart. 

 I thanked my friends' husband in the morning; laughing he says "God was not whispering for me to do this - he was shouting...." 

What is really uncanny for me; is that I have seen this verse "Jeremiah 29:11-13" posted on different grief sites no less than three times in the last week.  God is good!

Reach Out Your Hand

Heard this song today and thought of the three women in my life that have helped me to walk this journey called grief.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_EIXgqxqEA.  I never could have survived this pain alone; they have helped me go through the grief and not around it.

A book I just read by Pastor Dennis Apple author of "Life after the death of my son" say’s that "Sorrow Shared is Sorrow Halved" - when a parent has a grief attack crashing into their mind and heart it causes pressure to build like a pressure cooker. We need a friend who we can confide in; who truly listens to our pain - WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX US - we'll walk away from the conversation much lighter, taking on new courage to face the future.

Woke up sad again; stuck in my thoughts - the doom and gloom of grief hanging over my head.  Then I read this message from my friend; “I love you with all my heart and my heart hurts when you hurt. My prayers for you is that one day you will find hope and joy and live as Jay would want you to live. "Gotta look this world in the eye, gotta live this life till you die.”  The last words "Gotta look....." were written by my son two months before his passing on my chalkboard.  This subtle reminder encouraged me to move; I took a long walk and then sat at the beach eating my lunch taking in all the beauty. My friends are truly a gift from God; angels sent to help me navigate my way on this road called grief...

Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet.

I'll never get over it.

Please don't tell me he's in a better place.
He's not here with me.
Please don't say he isn't suffering any more.
I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
Please don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Please don't tell me at least you had him for so many years.
What year would you like your loved one to die?
Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
Please just say you're sorry.
Please just say you remember him if you do.
Please mention his name.
Please be patient with me when I am sad.
Please just let me cry.
Anonymous

Power of Three

Author C.S.Lewis , who, after losing his wife, said, "No one told me that grief felt so much like FEAR."    I have been feeling upside down again; fearful, anxious etc. etc.  Selling my home in South Carolina even though the right thing to do financially is still hard as it feels like another goodbye - another dream lost.  But it’s much more than the home in SC; it’s the heaviness in my heart knowing that the two year anniversary of Jay’s death is fast approaching.  It’s the turmoil in my soul because I don’t know how to help my youngest son find a peaceful heart.  So I decided to take a walk at the beach this afternoon.  The beach is where I go when everything feels so big, a place to reflect and to say my prayers.   I prayed and prayed for my boys.  Asking the Lord to guide me on how do I help my youngest son?  In my head I am screaming at the top of my lungs; please take care of my sons.  You know what it’s like Lord to see your son suffer.   The difference is that you have your son and I don’t have my Jay.  I need to know that my Jay is in a peaceful place; that he is happy.  I need to know that my youngest will be safe and that you are watching over him.  I am still screaming in my head “Do you hear me Lord – do you hear me” why won’t you help me…… I stop walking and look out to the sea, my heart angry and heavy with this burden called grief.  Then I saw them - three dolphins swimming in front of me.  I immediately thought “the power of three” and the Lord is showing me that he is with me through  one of his "creations”.  Okay Lord I know you hear me!!!  For you see I was a single mom for many years; the two boys and I were “the power of three”.   I turned and walked back in the direction I came from free from the anger and fear I was feeling…

Listen to this song.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3yCod-IfjY&feature=related

Jay asks a friend for help...

Today my friend and I decided to take a break from packing the house in SC.  We  stopped at a local antique shop to look around and clear our mind of the day.  We walked room to room looking around at all the neat stuff.  As we were leaving one of the rooms; this woman's voice says "I really like this piece - but I really don't need it".  Being polite I walked back into the room to acknowledge what she was looking at.  There staring at me was the dragonfly......... Wow, I was taken back!  I just left that room and never saw the tile with the dragonfly.  Since I didn't see it the first time; Jay made sure someone else pointed it out to me.  When I told her about my Jay and what the dragonfly meant to me; she said you need to buy this and I did...MY JAY MADE ME SMILE TODAY






 

Looking Through A Foggy Mirror

“Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.  All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.”  1 Corinthians 13:12 (NLT)

 “We all have a WHAT and don’t understand the WHY” – Sunday’s  message at church.   Losing my Jay is my WHAT and for the life of me can’t understand the WHY.   I don’t have an answer for losing Jay and won’t know until I stand before God and ask him why.  It’s hard to make sense of the pain that I have to go through right now.  But, I place my faith in the fact I don’t have to understand the why to trust God in the what.   I ask God each time I pray how do you want me to grow through this; what is my life purpose.  I am confident that God has a plan for my future.  One that will help me heal and make sense of this journey I am on.  God doesn’t make bad things happen; but he does help us navigate through the pain.

“For I Know the plans I have for you, “declares the Lord “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

Captain Jay - Sign of Hope

I am driving to South Carolina with my best friend.  Since Jay's passing "stuff" doesn't matter to me anymore.  That is why I have sold my vacation home in Mount Pleasant, SC.  We are driving down Highway 95 talking about Jay's father; who has spent the last 5+ years living on a sailboat in Florida.  Jay spent the summer of 2009 with his father also enjoying living on a boat in a beautiful marina.  Jay's father has his Captain's license to navigate large boats.  He had convinced Jay that he should also get his Captain's license.  Jay never had the chance. ..... Then right in front of us was this vehicle with the license plate "CaptJay".....so awesome

Sacred Feathers - Signs of Hope

Sunday,  I was at the cemetery crying and talking to Jay.  As I drove away I was thinking am I crazy, does he really hear me!  Then I saw it come towards me; a camper with the words "Jay's Flight" and an emblem of a feather embossed on the front.  Yes Yes Yes - he heard me!!!


 Later in the day I went to see Jay's "little dude" a boxer dog named Hooch who lives with my Uncle and Aunt.  Jay just loved his dog and Hooch was beyond happy to see me.  We all sat on the porch talking and recanting stories about Jay.  In mid-sentence my uncle stops talking and points to a beautiful hawk feather that falls from the sky.  Yup my Jay was there too!!!!!

Dragonfly; my sign of hope

I chose this poem last year on July 9th, 2011; for my son's memorial - it marked one year that he left us.  This morning I was feeling lost and sad.  Still in my bathrobe at 11:00 am. No energy!!!! Was outside tending to the rosebush that was given to me "In memory of Jay" it is called the Forever Rose.  This blue-tail dragonfly stayed with me in the garden - posed as I went to get my camera and flew so close I could almost feel a hug. You my think I am crazy; maybe I am.  But all I know is Jay sends me a sign when I need him most and it lessens the pain of him being gone....

Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.
Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.
So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed. Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life.

Sometimes you just have to cry....

Sometimes it helps to just spend an entire day crying. Child loss has so many layers of grief, that it's impossible to explain the pain. Tears don't take away the pain, but they do help "get out" some of the pain.


Yes, I did cry very much the last couple days.  Planting flowers at Jay's grave site, seeing my youngest sons' anguish in his face as he spoke of his big brother and the biggest hurt of all;  Jay's remote control truck being run for the first time since his death.  All triggers.....today is a better day and I am going to work in my garden.  I honor my son by not dwelling on the fact he died but instead on the joy that he lived......

Memorial Day: Jay sends help....

Today was another first for me since Jay left us.  Every Memorial Day since my father's passing, I have cleaned up his plot, planted flowers and put up an American Flag.  Today was different  though,  for the first time I needed to do my son's resting place also..  I have procrastinated all week; finding excuses, knowing this was going to be a "TRIGGER" for me.  And it was!!!!  I washed away the dirt on his cemetery stone, planted flowers and pulled grass; all the while staring at his beautiful face etched in his stone.  In my head I kept screaming this is not fair; this is not right - I should not be planting flowers at my baby boy's grave site.  Cried and cried I did; I asked Jay to give me some sign of hope today - anything because I am knocked to my knees. When I went into my car; I noticed a had a message on my phone.  My best friend had called at the exact time I was begging Jay for a sign of hope.  Her message said "I was checking on you."  Jay has sent her to me so many times when I don't have the courage to do this grief journey.  She calms my heart and gives me hope to try again tomorrow. 

Treasured Moments

Today I really miss my Jay; feeling the ache.  Dealing with lawyers to settle his estate -  they make it sound like a business deal; this is my baby boy and they don't get it.  I came across this poem and it reminded me to focus on my Jay and the time we had together........

I treasure every moment
you spent in life with me.
I hoped to have you longer,
... but it's not meant to be.

You left this world so suddenly.
I think my heart went too.
I feel so lost and lonely,
and I cry from missing you.

I know you're in a better place.
I know you're happy there.
I know one day I'll join you,
but the wait is hard to bear.

My heart feels like it’s breaking
You were my life, my everything,
but now sweetheart, you've gone.

I pray that God will give me strength
until He calls me too.
Then what joy will fill my heart
when I'm again with you.

~ Ron Tranmer

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

I heard this song yesterday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fahr069-fzE&feature=related
It reminded me of all the times I have seen rainbows since Jay's passing; it made me think of  him.  One time in particular stands out for me. It was this past March 25, 2012; it was the day I decided to turn my life over to God - the day I was baptized.  It was a step towards a new life; one not wrapped around the torment of grief.  I sat in my car and sobbed for this chance at a new beginning but most of all because I so missed Jay. The day was overcast and I said to my Jay "if you can feel how lost I am today without you; would you send me a rainbow".  Not only did he send me one...he then sent me another. He always let's me know he is near!  Always......

My Jay is always near me....miss him much today

LOOK FOR ME IN RAINBOWS

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.

In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,

... Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.

In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,

Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then

My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.

Every waking moment, and all your whole life through

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,

And I'll be there with you.

Best Gift of All...

I won't lie and say this week hasn't been hard.  It has been an up and down week since Mother's Day.  At least it has been more up than down. When I felt sad, I remembered the best gift of all.   On Mother's Day my youngest son gave me beautiful flowers, a heartfelt card and cooked an amazing dinner.  Since Jay's passing; my son wouldn't talk about his brother - he never brought up his name - I didn't either.  But, Sunday he spoke of the last Mother's Day with his brother and the awful meal Jay had made.   He was saying "Jay's" name and in my son's eyes I saw peace while talking about his brother.  Not the deep sorrow I have been seeing.  My son gave me the best gift of all "HOPE".  We are healing my son and I; learning to live again without Jay being physically here though forever in our hearts.

Making room for grief after the Death of A Child....

I saw this statement in an article this morning "In order for us to successfully navigate grief we need to have both the time and space to deal with it."  The word that caught my eye was "SPACE".  Most of my adult life I have taken care of someone or something; I was a fixer - a "go to" person.  This past December I was so wrapped up in fixing family problems; I was suffocating.  It made the grief journey impossible to navigate; I was losing my footing - retreating more and more into myself.  I made a conscious decision to pull back from being the person who solves everyone's problem.  I made myself a priority!!!!!! Gave myself permission to be selfish and focus on me.  Grief is exhausting and tiring.  We need to honor ourselves in the process and strip away ALL unnecessary obligations in our lives....

Mother's Day is hard when your child is deceased...tap into the memories

Mother's day is fast approaching and with it an emptiness of knowing our child is gone.  Each year my two sons Brandon and Jason would cook a meal for me.  They did everything from setting the table to washing the dishes.  Mother's Day 2010 was the last one with my Jay; he made some concoction that looked like "fish scrambled eggs".  Brandon leaned over and said "Mom this is horrible".  I said "I know eat it anyway".  This memory will forever bring joy to my heart.

 Cards were never Jay's thing; especially a "mushy" one.  Mother's Day cards were always goofy; except for this one that he gave me May 2010.  It is a treasured last gift from my Jay.

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."   Author Unknown

I would have said "I Love You"....



Thank you http://www.grieftoolbox.com/ for a beautiful picture and sentiment...The last time I saw Jay he was driving away on his motorcycle.  He had this silly smirk on his face; but I was too busy working in my gardens - I let him just drive away.  A thousand times I wish that I had walked over to him and hugged him one more time.  That I had told him as I had millions of times to be safe and that I loved him.  In my heart he knows I love him more than life.




To the Moon and Back For Always

 

If I die young....

I was told weeks ago by my Attorney who is settling Jay's estate that I must return the license plate for the motorcycle that ultimately caused the accident.  So license plate, death certificate and probate appointment in hand I went to the DMV and the Tax Assessors Office.  As I stood waiting for the clerk to complete the paperwork; I stared at the death certificate and fixated on Describe How Injury Occurred:  Answer - Struck Fixed Object.  Then and there I felt my chest tighten and the tears start to surface.  As always when I am struggling; Jay lets me know that he is with me.  The song "If I Die Young" started to play; a beautiful song that was sent to me after Jay's passing. These lyrics always make me think of him.

" Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw8W6hYGZ0E&feature=related

Fear of losing another

"Each time we face a fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing." ~ Author Unknown

My youngest son rides a motorcycle just like the one that took Jay's life.  Every time I see him riding it - I feel like someone kicks me in the stomach.  I know that I can't control what happens in life or to my children.  So I keep the faith that he will be okay.  It would be easy to smother him and try to keep him safe.  But I also know that it would not be good for him or for me.  "I need to let go and let God"....

Do you have these same feelings with your other children?