Last night I went onto to the porch to sit for awhile. When I looked up to the sky; I was in awe in the majesty of all the stars. I felt so very small in a universe so big. I cried tears of sadness for my Jay; wondering where my son is right now. Is he happy - is he safe but most important of all is he finally in a peaceful place. I just need to know that he is okay.....not knowing is the hardest part of grieving for a mother.
Today I once again received salve for my wounded heart. My friend sent me this comforting poem with the following message; "I know that it is a struggle and some days are harder than others but Jay’s greatest desire is to see his Mother happy and living her life to the fullest. Keep moving forward as I know that you are, one step at a time. One step at a time."
The journey of grief over the death of our child can be a long arduous road. Our wounds; they slowly start to heal but never fully. A word, a song, a memory - so many triggers that can open and expose our wounds so easily. I thank the Lord for the opportunities when salve is applied to my open wound. The soothing salve comes in so many ways. I feel it when I smell the ocean - when I hear the cry of the hawks in the sky over my yard - in the dragonfly that dances on my flowers or when the hummingbirds fly precariously around me as I sit in my rocking chair and yesterday when a friend sent me this card out of the blue to let me know she was thinking of me. It brought a smile to my face and peace to my heart. Grief is a mammoth beast that needs taming; it is so much easier when the burden is shared by people who love us. Thank you to all my angels for walking with me on this journey called grief......
Sunday, I was at the cemetery crying and talking to Jay. As I drove away I was thinking am I crazy, does he really hear me! Then I saw it come towards me; a camper with the words "Jay's Flight" and an emblem of a feather embossed on the front. Yes Yes Yes - he heard me!!!
Later in the day I went to see Jay's "little dude" a boxer dog named Hooch who lives with my Uncle and Aunt. Jay just loved his dog and Hooch was beyond happy to see me. We all sat on the porch talking and recanting stories about Jay. In mid-sentence my uncle stops talking and points to a beautiful hawk feather that falls from the sky. Yup my Jay was there too!!!!!
