Last night I went onto to the porch to sit for awhile. When I looked up to the sky; I was in awe in the majesty of all the stars. I felt so very small in a universe so big. I cried tears of sadness for my Jay; wondering where my son is right now. Is he happy - is he safe but most important of all is he finally in a peaceful place. I just need to know that he is okay.....not knowing is the hardest part of grieving for a mother.
Today I once again received salve for my wounded heart. My friend sent me this comforting poem with the following message; "I know that it is a struggle and some days are harder than others but Jay’s greatest desire is to see his Mother happy and living her life to the fullest. Keep moving forward as I know that you are, one step at a time. One step at a time."
Sunday, I was at the cemetery crying and talking to Jay. As I drove away I was thinking am I crazy, does he really hear me! Then I saw it come towards me; a camper with the words "Jay's Flight" and an emblem of a feather embossed on the front. Yes Yes Yes - he heard me!!!
Later in the day I went to see Jay's "little dude" a boxer dog named Hooch who lives with my Uncle and Aunt. Jay just loved his dog and Hooch was beyond happy to see me. We all sat on the porch talking and recanting stories about Jay. In mid-sentence my uncle stops talking and points to a beautiful hawk feather that falls from the sky. Yup my Jay was there too!!!!!
I chose this poem last year on July 9th, 2011; for my son's memorial - it marked one year that he left us. This morning I was feeling lost and sad. Still in my bathrobe at 11:00 am. No energy!!!! Was outside tending to the rosebush that was given to me "In memory of Jay" it is called the Forever Rose. This blue-tail dragonfly stayed with me in the garden - posed as I went to get my camera and flew so close I could almost feel a hug. You my think I am crazy; maybe I am. But all I know is Jay sends me a sign when I need him most and it lessens the pain of him being gone....
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.
Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.
So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed. Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life.
I heard this song yesterday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fahr069-fzE&feature=related
It reminded me of all the times I have seen rainbows since Jay's passing; it made me think of him. One time in particular stands out for me. It was this past March 25, 2012; it was the day I decided to turn my life over to God - the day I was baptized. It was a step towards a new life; one not wrapped around the torment of grief. I sat in my car and sobbed for this chance at a new beginning but most of all because I so missed Jay. The day was overcast and I said to my Jay "if you can feel how lost I am today without you; would you send me a rainbow". Not only did he send me one...he then sent me another. He always let's me know he is near! Always......
Last couple days I have been fighting the great sadness. The death of a child has no time table as we all know. There are so many triggers that knock me to my knees. Sunday I attended a memorial service at the funeral home where my Jay had been. Since then I've been fighting this choking feeling in my chest. I have learned that when the sadness is too big; I need to move and do something. So I went into my gardens and worked; all along saying to myself what is the purpose in doing this. Stinken thinking!!!!!!! I once loved working in the gardens it brought me peace. Now I seem to do it to stay busy. When my heart is the heaviest is when I get "Signs of Hope". Little snippets that remind me that just because I can't physically see Jay doesn't mean that he is not near. Today out of the corner of my eye; I saw the hawk as he glided through the trees in town and then I saw a camper that had "Jay's Flight" written on it's side. Coincidence I think not....... http://www.reference.com/motif/science/symbolism-of-hawk
