Butterflies

My friend Roxanne feeds and nourishes my spiritual self.  For my birthday she gave me two much needed gifts.  Not the kind you buy in a store off a shelf - but the kind that heals the broken parts of your soul.

Gift #1
 She told me on my birthday that just for the day I was to smile at three separate people. Since Jay's death I don't make eye contact with too many people.  I tend to walk with my head bowed to avoid meeting the eyes of someone I may know.  I avoid at all cost talking about my son's accident and seeing the sadness in their faces; a trigger for all grieving parents.  I feel the tears start to bubble and I am uncomfortable allowing acquaintances see my vulnerable heart.  On my birthday  I made a conscience effort to smile to those around me.  By doing so people I don't know were smiling back at me and sometimes uttering a happy greeting.  It empowered me to smile again and again.  My spirits were lifted and I felt at peace......

Gift #2
In the mail, I receive a letter from my dear friend.  When I opened the envelope I found all these paper butterflies meticulously cutout; with a simple note that said:

"Butterflies have a one-week life span.  What is their purpose?"

I thought in my head they are beings of beauty and inspiration for so many people.  They are not needed for pollination of flowers or the evolution process.  Beauties that can just be...... the message my dear soul-sister was trying to tell me soothed the conflict and urgency in my heart like salve on a wound.  Since Jay's passing; one statement that I have made over and over is "What is my purpose? - I need to find my purpose! - I can’t let Jay's passing be for not - I need to make something good out of something so bad!”  I had to validate my existence here on earth; I had to have measurable reasons for still being alive and my Jay is not.   Roxanne has taught me that it is okay for me to "Just Be".   To let the ebb and flow of life just take me in the direction I need to go.   There is a greater plan for me and I need to let it unfold on its own.   My soul-sister she is a smart one and I thank the Lord every day for placing her in my path.

Paper Butterflies from my Sweet Friend

 

Sacred Feathers - Signs of Hope

Sunday,  I was at the cemetery crying and talking to Jay.  As I drove away I was thinking am I crazy, does he really hear me!  Then I saw it come towards me; a camper with the words "Jay's Flight" and an emblem of a feather embossed on the front.  Yes Yes Yes - he heard me!!!


 Later in the day I went to see Jay's "little dude" a boxer dog named Hooch who lives with my Uncle and Aunt.  Jay just loved his dog and Hooch was beyond happy to see me.  We all sat on the porch talking and recanting stories about Jay.  In mid-sentence my uncle stops talking and points to a beautiful hawk feather that falls from the sky.  Yup my Jay was there too!!!!!

Best Gift of All...

I won't lie and say this week hasn't been hard.  It has been an up and down week since Mother's Day.  At least it has been more up than down. When I felt sad, I remembered the best gift of all.   On Mother's Day my youngest son gave me beautiful flowers, a heartfelt card and cooked an amazing dinner.  Since Jay's passing; my son wouldn't talk about his brother - he never brought up his name - I didn't either.  But, Sunday he spoke of the last Mother's Day with his brother and the awful meal Jay had made.   He was saying "Jay's" name and in my son's eyes I saw peace while talking about his brother.  Not the deep sorrow I have been seeing.  My son gave me the best gift of all "HOPE".  We are healing my son and I; learning to live again without Jay being physically here though forever in our hearts.