What If?

What if…?, What if….?, What if….?

Last night I woke in the middle of the night.  I could hear the cars passing - the sound of the wind - the noises of the night.  A sinking feeling started in the pit of my stomach.  It felt like fear but so much bigger.   I thought to myself the windows were opened that horrible night two years ago. I can hear all these night noises tonight -  why didn't I that night.  What kind of Mother doesn't sense when something is terribly wrong with her child.   Why didn't I wake up to the noise created by Jason's accident - it was less than a 1/8 of a mile from home.  What if I had heard - could I have saved him....what if? what if? what if?

Oh yes, I have tormented myself with this question. It is like watching a movie over and over and willing the end to change. If I had only been able to do SOMETHING then this wouldn’t have happened…

 I saw these verses weeks ago and it reminds me that I am not always logical in my thinking......There is very often a tug-a-war with my heart and mind.  I will try harder to believe that I couldn't have changed this final scene in Jay's life here on earth!!!!!  God Bless all the Grieving Parents.....

I was right where I was supposed to be.
I knew all I could know....

I was not in control.
I did everything right.
I did my best.
I loved  my son with all my heart.
And it happened anyway.

Courage

Speaking with my friend Roxanne; she asked if I had read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Richard Warren.  A friend of hers' recommended that she join a study group on the subject.  I vaguely remembered reading it; but it wasn't a book that I had any recollection of being a "wow" book. I went in search of the book and perused through it.  This time I was seeing the message with a different set of eyes - the eyes of a grieving mother.  A mother who has been on a quest to find purpose for her life.   I found this statement that I had penciled in the margins of the book.

"The ability to find joy in the world of sorrow and hope at the edge of despair is a woman's witness to courage and her gift of new life to all...Miriam Theresa Winter

Then I read this excerpt: "Many people are driven by fear. Their fears may be the result of  a traumatic experience (death of our child) etc....  Fear-driven people often miss opportunities because they're afraid to venture out.  Instead they play it safe, avoiding risks and trying to maintain the status quo.  Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be. We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners." 

Author C.S. Lewis said after the death of his wife - "grief feels very much like fear." I have been walking around for the last two years with fear in my heart.  Waiting for the next shoe to drop - not trusting that my world won't be shattered again.  But, I will tell you this "I HAVE COURAGE." There are days that I say "I can't do this" - then I tell myself I will try again tomorrow and "I DO."  My faith in God propels me forward; each night I get on my knees.  I pray and ask for guidance, courage and strength on this journey called grief.

 What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

         If God is for us, who can be against us?

                                                                                              Romans 8:31

Power of Three

Author C.S.Lewis , who, after losing his wife, said, "No one told me that grief felt so much like FEAR."    I have been feeling upside down again; fearful, anxious etc. etc.  Selling my home in South Carolina even though the right thing to do financially is still hard as it feels like another goodbye - another dream lost.  But it’s much more than the home in SC; it’s the heaviness in my heart knowing that the two year anniversary of Jay’s death is fast approaching.  It’s the turmoil in my soul because I don’t know how to help my youngest son find a peaceful heart.  So I decided to take a walk at the beach this afternoon.  The beach is where I go when everything feels so big, a place to reflect and to say my prayers.   I prayed and prayed for my boys.  Asking the Lord to guide me on how do I help my youngest son?  In my head I am screaming at the top of my lungs; please take care of my sons.  You know what it’s like Lord to see your son suffer.   The difference is that you have your son and I don’t have my Jay.  I need to know that my Jay is in a peaceful place; that he is happy.  I need to know that my youngest will be safe and that you are watching over him.  I am still screaming in my head “Do you hear me Lord – do you hear me” why won’t you help me…… I stop walking and look out to the sea, my heart angry and heavy with this burden called grief.  Then I saw them - three dolphins swimming in front of me.  I immediately thought “the power of three” and the Lord is showing me that he is with me through  one of his "creations”.  Okay Lord I know you hear me!!!  For you see I was a single mom for many years; the two boys and I were “the power of three”.   I turned and walked back in the direction I came from free from the anger and fear I was feeling…

Listen to this song.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3yCod-IfjY&feature=related

Don't Cry For Me

I have been spending time with people that were in Jay's life and realizing that they are moving on.  It does make me sad and I have cried tears worrying that Jay will be forgotten.   I get afraid myself at times that I will forget his laugh, his hugs, his smile; even how he smells.  Logically I know that I nor anyone else will forget Jay; it's my broken heart that plays games.  I know that life needs to go on for me and  everyone else.  That is how Jay would want it.  A little while later I came across this poem just to remind me that Jay is always with me.  Are you afraid that you too won't remember some things about your child?

DON’T CRY FOR ME

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the moon that beams

on lakes and mountains high.

                                                                  

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the sun that shines

... in a blue, blue sky.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the leaves that fall

in Autumn time.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the stars that shine

on a warm summer night.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the wind that blows

with secrets untold.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am lapping water as you bathe

on sandy beaches,

Don't cry for me when I die

for I will always be by your side.