Last night I went onto to the porch to sit for awhile. When I looked up to the sky; I was in awe in the majesty of all the stars. I felt so very small in a universe so big. I cried tears of sadness for my Jay; wondering where my son is right now. Is he happy - is he safe but most important of all is he finally in a peaceful place. I just need to know that he is okay.....not knowing is the hardest part of grieving for a mother.
Today I once again received salve for my wounded heart. My friend sent me this comforting poem with the following message; "I know that it is a struggle and some days are harder than others but Jay’s greatest desire is to see his Mother happy and living her life to the fullest. Keep moving forward as I know that you are, one step at a time. One step at a time."
I chose this poem last year on July 9th, 2011; for my son's memorial - it marked one year that he left us. This morning I was feeling lost and sad. Still in my bathrobe at 11:00 am. No energy!!!! Was outside tending to the rosebush that was given to me "In memory of Jay" it is called the Forever Rose. This blue-tail dragonfly stayed with me in the garden - posed as I went to get my camera and flew so close I could almost feel a hug. You my think I am crazy; maybe I am. But all I know is Jay sends me a sign when I need him most and it lessens the pain of him being gone....
Once, in a little pond, in the muddy water under the lily pads, there lived a little water beetle in a community of water beetles. They lived a simple and comfortable life in the pond with few disturbances and interruptions. Once in a while, sadness would come to the community when one of their fellow beetles would climb the stem of a lily pad and would never be seen again. They knew when this happened; their friend was dead, gone forever.
Then, one day, one little water beetle felt an irresistible urge to climb up that stem. However, he was determined that he would not leave forever. He would come back and tell his friends what he had found at the top. When he reached the top and climbed out of the water onto the surface of the lily pad, he was so tired, and the sun felt so warm, that he decided he must take a nap. As he slept, his body changed and when he woke up, he had turned into a beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly with broad wings and a slender body designed for flying.
So, fly he did! And, as he soared he saw the beauty of a whole new world and a far superior way of life to what he had never known existed. Then he remembered his beetle friends and how they were thinking by now he was dead. He wanted to go back to tell them, and explain to them that he was now more alive than he had ever been before. His life had been fulfilled rather than ended. But, his new body would not go down into the water. He could not get back to tell his friends the good news. Then he understood that their time would come, when they, too, would know what he now knew. So, he raised his wings and flew off into his joyous new life.
