Courage

Speaking with my friend Roxanne; she asked if I had read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Richard Warren.  A friend of hers' recommended that she join a study group on the subject.  I vaguely remembered reading it; but it wasn't a book that I had any recollection of being a "wow" book. I went in search of the book and perused through it.  This time I was seeing the message with a different set of eyes - the eyes of a grieving mother.  A mother who has been on a quest to find purpose for her life.   I found this statement that I had penciled in the margins of the book.

"The ability to find joy in the world of sorrow and hope at the edge of despair is a woman's witness to courage and her gift of new life to all...Miriam Theresa Winter

Then I read this excerpt: "Many people are driven by fear. Their fears may be the result of  a traumatic experience (death of our child) etc....  Fear-driven people often miss opportunities because they're afraid to venture out.  Instead they play it safe, avoiding risks and trying to maintain the status quo.  Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be. We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners." 

Author C.S. Lewis said after the death of his wife - "grief feels very much like fear." I have been walking around for the last two years with fear in my heart.  Waiting for the next shoe to drop - not trusting that my world won't be shattered again.  But, I will tell you this "I HAVE COURAGE." There are days that I say "I can't do this" - then I tell myself I will try again tomorrow and "I DO."  My faith in God propels me forward; each night I get on my knees.  I pray and ask for guidance, courage and strength on this journey called grief.

 What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

         If God is for us, who can be against us?

                                                                                              Romans 8:31

In the midst of winter....

It has been one week since the two year anniversary of my Jay's passing.  I am feeling so much saner and stronger.  Hope has returned to my heart!  I was reminded today of my favorite saying

 "In the midst of winter - I discovered within me

 an invincible summer."

  I am a survivor..........

 

Expectations

In the last couple weeks I have become increasingly depressed by choosing to think depressing thoughts. “I can't live without you. I hate being alone. I want you back.”   I have been envisioning the worst; I am always going to feel like this - they say the third year is worse etc. etc. etc.  Whoa; I found out in a hurry that process of thinking is making matters so much worse.  I am learning real quickly the power of my expectations.  Reality is not what's REAL, but what I am expecting.  Author V. Jensen writes in God Never Quits “Expectations can be a way of locking into the present the worst that I can envision for the future." 

"A calm mind is good for our physical health, but it also enables us to see things more realistically".  Dalai Lama

 It’s clear that I need to replace my "expectations" (which honestly feels like fear to me sometimes) with a new way of thinking. I am letting go of these painful thoughts and turning my thoughts to positive expectations.  I am going to survive and be strong. I won’t be sad every day. I will be okay……Am I putting my mask on again; maybe!  But with the grace of God - I will continue to MOVE and not get stuck on this journey called grief.


 I know that God has a plan for me; I will continue to pray for clarity and understanding to know what I am supposed to do.  I will keep hope and belief in my heart that a parent can learn to live life again albeit differently after the death of their child.

 

For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
  Romans 8:24-25

Reach Out Your Hand

Heard this song today and thought of the three women in my life that have helped me to walk this journey called grief.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_EIXgqxqEA.  I never could have survived this pain alone; they have helped me go through the grief and not around it.

A book I just read by Pastor Dennis Apple author of "Life after the death of my son" say’s that "Sorrow Shared is Sorrow Halved" - when a parent has a grief attack crashing into their mind and heart it causes pressure to build like a pressure cooker. We need a friend who we can confide in; who truly listens to our pain - WITHOUT TRYING TO FIX US - we'll walk away from the conversation much lighter, taking on new courage to face the future.

Woke up sad again; stuck in my thoughts - the doom and gloom of grief hanging over my head.  Then I read this message from my friend; “I love you with all my heart and my heart hurts when you hurt. My prayers for you is that one day you will find hope and joy and live as Jay would want you to live. "Gotta look this world in the eye, gotta live this life till you die.”  The last words "Gotta look....." were written by my son two months before his passing on my chalkboard.  This subtle reminder encouraged me to move; I took a long walk and then sat at the beach eating my lunch taking in all the beauty. My friends are truly a gift from God; angels sent to help me navigate my way on this road called grief...

Please don't ask me if I'm over it yet.

I'll never get over it.

Please don't tell me he's in a better place.
He's not here with me.
Please don't say he isn't suffering any more.
I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all.
Please don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Please don't tell me at least you had him for so many years.
What year would you like your loved one to die?
Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
Please just say you're sorry.
Please just say you remember him if you do.
Please mention his name.
Please be patient with me when I am sad.
Please just let me cry.
Anonymous

Memorial Day: Jay sends help....

Today was another first for me since Jay left us.  Every Memorial Day since my father's passing, I have cleaned up his plot, planted flowers and put up an American Flag.  Today was different  though,  for the first time I needed to do my son's resting place also..  I have procrastinated all week; finding excuses, knowing this was going to be a "TRIGGER" for me.  And it was!!!!  I washed away the dirt on his cemetery stone, planted flowers and pulled grass; all the while staring at his beautiful face etched in his stone.  In my head I kept screaming this is not fair; this is not right - I should not be planting flowers at my baby boy's grave site.  Cried and cried I did; I asked Jay to give me some sign of hope today - anything because I am knocked to my knees. When I went into my car; I noticed a had a message on my phone.  My best friend had called at the exact time I was begging Jay for a sign of hope.  Her message said "I was checking on you."  Jay has sent her to me so many times when I don't have the courage to do this grief journey.  She calms my heart and gives me hope to try again tomorrow. 

My Jay is always near me....miss him much today

LOOK FOR ME IN RAINBOWS

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.

In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,

... Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.

In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,

Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then

My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.

Every waking moment, and all your whole life through

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,

And I'll be there with you.

Best Gift of All...

I won't lie and say this week hasn't been hard.  It has been an up and down week since Mother's Day.  At least it has been more up than down. When I felt sad, I remembered the best gift of all.   On Mother's Day my youngest son gave me beautiful flowers, a heartfelt card and cooked an amazing dinner.  Since Jay's passing; my son wouldn't talk about his brother - he never brought up his name - I didn't either.  But, Sunday he spoke of the last Mother's Day with his brother and the awful meal Jay had made.   He was saying "Jay's" name and in my son's eyes I saw peace while talking about his brother.  Not the deep sorrow I have been seeing.  My son gave me the best gift of all "HOPE".  We are healing my son and I; learning to live again without Jay being physically here though forever in our hearts.