Sometimes you just have to cry....

Sometimes it helps to just spend an entire day crying. Child loss has so many layers of grief, that it's impossible to explain the pain. Tears don't take away the pain, but they do help "get out" some of the pain.


Yes, I did cry very much the last couple days.  Planting flowers at Jay's grave site, seeing my youngest sons' anguish in his face as he spoke of his big brother and the biggest hurt of all;  Jay's remote control truck being run for the first time since his death.  All triggers.....today is a better day and I am going to work in my garden.  I honor my son by not dwelling on the fact he died but instead on the joy that he lived......

Memorial Day: Jay sends help....

Today was another first for me since Jay left us.  Every Memorial Day since my father's passing, I have cleaned up his plot, planted flowers and put up an American Flag.  Today was different  though,  for the first time I needed to do my son's resting place also..  I have procrastinated all week; finding excuses, knowing this was going to be a "TRIGGER" for me.  And it was!!!!  I washed away the dirt on his cemetery stone, planted flowers and pulled grass; all the while staring at his beautiful face etched in his stone.  In my head I kept screaming this is not fair; this is not right - I should not be planting flowers at my baby boy's grave site.  Cried and cried I did; I asked Jay to give me some sign of hope today - anything because I am knocked to my knees. When I went into my car; I noticed a had a message on my phone.  My best friend had called at the exact time I was begging Jay for a sign of hope.  Her message said "I was checking on you."  Jay has sent her to me so many times when I don't have the courage to do this grief journey.  She calms my heart and gives me hope to try again tomorrow.