Power of Three

Author C.S.Lewis , who, after losing his wife, said, "No one told me that grief felt so much like FEAR."    I have been feeling upside down again; fearful, anxious etc. etc.  Selling my home in South Carolina even though the right thing to do financially is still hard as it feels like another goodbye - another dream lost.  But it’s much more than the home in SC; it’s the heaviness in my heart knowing that the two year anniversary of Jay’s death is fast approaching.  It’s the turmoil in my soul because I don’t know how to help my youngest son find a peaceful heart.  So I decided to take a walk at the beach this afternoon.  The beach is where I go when everything feels so big, a place to reflect and to say my prayers.   I prayed and prayed for my boys.  Asking the Lord to guide me on how do I help my youngest son?  In my head I am screaming at the top of my lungs; please take care of my sons.  You know what it’s like Lord to see your son suffer.   The difference is that you have your son and I don’t have my Jay.  I need to know that my Jay is in a peaceful place; that he is happy.  I need to know that my youngest will be safe and that you are watching over him.  I am still screaming in my head “Do you hear me Lord – do you hear me” why won’t you help me…… I stop walking and look out to the sea, my heart angry and heavy with this burden called grief.  Then I saw them - three dolphins swimming in front of me.  I immediately thought “the power of three” and the Lord is showing me that he is with me through  one of his "creations”.  Okay Lord I know you hear me!!!  For you see I was a single mom for many years; the two boys and I were “the power of three”.   I turned and walked back in the direction I came from free from the anger and fear I was feeling…

Listen to this song.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R3yCod-IfjY&feature=related

Signs of Hope

Last couple days I have been fighting the great sadness.  The death of a child has no time table as we all know.  There are so many triggers that knock me to my knees.  Sunday I attended a memorial service at the funeral home where my Jay had been.  Since then I've been fighting this choking feeling in my chest.  I have learned that when the sadness is too big; I need to move and do something.  So I went into my gardens and worked; all along saying to myself what is the purpose in doing this.  Stinken thinking!!!!!!!  I once loved working in the gardens it brought me peace.  Now I seem to do it to stay busy.    When my heart is the heaviest is when I get "Signs of Hope".  Little snippets that remind me that just because I can't physically see Jay doesn't mean that he is not near.  Today out of the corner of my eye; I saw the hawk as he glided through the trees in town and then I saw a camper that had "Jay's Flight" written on it's side.  Coincidence I think not.......    http://www.reference.com/motif/science/symbolism-of-hawk