Today was a "I feel alive" kind of day

There are days on this grief journey that I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.  Today though was a "I feel alive" kind of day.  I went to the beach with  two little boys who belong to my son's girlfriend. Their giggling and funny antics was so contagious.  Together we spend hours building sand castles and hunting for sea glass. Not wanting to be outdone by a 10 year old; this 50+ woman swam out and back to the floating dock.  While out there I saw "moon jellyfish" - I had never seen them before; hundreds and hundreds of them - a first for me.  Then we baited hooks with hot dogs and hunted for crabs - another first for me.  We finished our day with ice cream cones; yes I had one too!  I no longer deprive myself  of such indulgence!  Life is way too short. A lesson learned the hard way....

Today I felt normal!   I laughed deep belly laughs and didn't feel guilty for not being sad.  For hours I was just in the moment; not having the shadow of the great sadness shatter my peace.  I am okay...I am really okay!

Courage

Speaking with my friend Roxanne; she asked if I had read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Richard Warren.  A friend of hers' recommended that she join a study group on the subject.  I vaguely remembered reading it; but it wasn't a book that I had any recollection of being a "wow" book. I went in search of the book and perused through it.  This time I was seeing the message with a different set of eyes - the eyes of a grieving mother.  A mother who has been on a quest to find purpose for her life.   I found this statement that I had penciled in the margins of the book.

"The ability to find joy in the world of sorrow and hope at the edge of despair is a woman's witness to courage and her gift of new life to all...Miriam Theresa Winter

Then I read this excerpt: "Many people are driven by fear. Their fears may be the result of  a traumatic experience (death of our child) etc....  Fear-driven people often miss opportunities because they're afraid to venture out.  Instead they play it safe, avoiding risks and trying to maintain the status quo.  Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be. We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners." 

Author C.S. Lewis said after the death of his wife - "grief feels very much like fear." I have been walking around for the last two years with fear in my heart.  Waiting for the next shoe to drop - not trusting that my world won't be shattered again.  But, I will tell you this "I HAVE COURAGE." There are days that I say "I can't do this" - then I tell myself I will try again tomorrow and "I DO."  My faith in God propels me forward; each night I get on my knees.  I pray and ask for guidance, courage and strength on this journey called grief.

 What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

         If God is for us, who can be against us?

                                                                                              Romans 8:31

Logic and Grief don't fit together

Last night I stood in front of my Jay's memorial table to tell him goodnight and that I love him.  A ritual that I do every night before I go to bed.  This feeling of extreme guilt washed over me as I stared at his handsome face. It actually scared me that I hadn't felt the deep sadness all day. The sting of his loss was not so sharp. To the contrary it was a good day spent with a friend - hiking and laughing. This morning I woke to the same guilt and fear from the night before; I felt overwhelmed and tired.

Oh Dear Lord; am I forgetting Jay already - am I forgetting that he is gone.  What kind of Mother am I that I can just put aside the worst possible pain ""the death of my son" and be happy!  Is my worst fear that I will forget Jay already happening? 

When my father passed away; I cried and cried thinking I will never get over this loss.  But I did and I am no longer haunted by his passing.  I think of him sometimes; but the memories are few.  I don't want this to happen with Jay.  I don't want to let go - I don't want to forget ..........

Logically my head is telling me that my concerns are the voice of a Mother's broken heart.  But my heart is reminding me that there is a big gaping hole that only my Jay can fill.  I am a grieving Mom and the word LOGIC and GRIEF just don't fit together in a sentence. I just need to learn how to manage the two…….

I saw this poem on a friend’s Facebook page; recently she also loss her son to a motorcycle accident.  It is a good reminder for all of us that have lost a child…..live life as they would have wanted us too.

In the midst of winter....

It has been one week since the two year anniversary of my Jay's passing.  I am feeling so much saner and stronger.  Hope has returned to my heart!  I was reminded today of my favorite saying

 "In the midst of winter - I discovered within me

 an invincible summer."

  I am a survivor..........

 

Mother's Day is hard when your child is deceased...tap into the memories

Mother's day is fast approaching and with it an emptiness of knowing our child is gone.  Each year my two sons Brandon and Jason would cook a meal for me.  They did everything from setting the table to washing the dishes.  Mother's Day 2010 was the last one with my Jay; he made some concoction that looked like "fish scrambled eggs".  Brandon leaned over and said "Mom this is horrible".  I said "I know eat it anyway".  This memory will forever bring joy to my heart.

 Cards were never Jay's thing; especially a "mushy" one.  Mother's Day cards were always goofy; except for this one that he gave me May 2010.  It is a treasured last gift from my Jay.

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."   Author Unknown