Change of Seasons

I subscribe to this site called Silent Grief - Child Loss Support. The following analogy that they make was such an awakening.  Now I understand why I am so dreading the coming of fall/winter. 

"To parents of child loss, many times the changing of the seasons from summer to fall and impending winter is a difficult time -- especially to those who live in areas that become cold and barren during the wintertime. There is an added feeling of "loss" that others just don't get. Sunshine and growing grass and blooming flowers give us a sense of hope; dying grass and falling leaves and the stark, cold winter often leave our hearts feeling so empty and alone. Even the changing of the seasons can be a "trigger" for those who have lost a child!"

To All Grieving Parents - God Bless You

Freak Snowstorm on October 29, 2011 the day after my Jay's Memorial Service

Just For Today.

Today was one of those days; I lingered in bed much longer than I should have.  Pulling the covers over my head to block out the sun and the insistent meowing of Luna.  Don't know why the sadness was biting at my heels this morning; but she was - "grief" was here to visit.  Yes I cried this morning and yes my heart was aching.  But by 11am, I was determined that I was going to get moving.  Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more; I read this statement from the following poem this morning. So push myself I did - I vacuumed, cleaned bathrooms and dusted.  When the grief still hung on to my shirt tail, I put on my IPOD  and headed for a long walk.  As I walked I cried and prayed to God for courage.  Courage to live my life wholeheartedly and not just go through the motions.  One of the songs that played on my IPOD was "the Hurt and the Healer" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0  "I am alive though a part of me has died".  This song is for every parent that has an Angel in Heaven - God Bless You

Excerpt from "Just For Today" by Vicki Tushingham

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.     ~ Vicki Tushingham

Say his name.....

Today I just want someone to remember my Jay and to say his name.....I miss him so much

HIS NAME SINGS MY SOUL
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring

Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.
~ Author Unknown

In Loving Memory of Jay Jay

Although we are rarely aware of Angels, I believe there are Angels all around us every day of our lives. They appear as creatures, events and humans. One such Angel in my life is named Morgan, a sixteen year old with the heart of a wise soul. More than anyone, she has touched me with her words and love for Jay. Today she applied salve to my grieving heart with this beautiful "Youtube" video. Thank you my sweet. Love you to the moon and back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6OgfvA2yFc&feature=em-share_video_user



A must see video.....so many lessons

Death Grief and Loss of a Son - a Mothers Journey

Story of a mothers journey after the death of her son and the stages of grief that she experienced.
Practical understanding of death

So many messages.............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdYiLjzz4sM&feature=share

One step at a time...

The best that I can do on this journey called grief......when today is too hard....I say I will try again tomorrow....God Bless all grieving mothers and fathers

Looking For Hope

         
 I saw this picture on-line; it reminds me of Jay.  Every time I see a butterfly and dragonfly, I think of him. Although my heart is sad, these earthly creatures bring a smile to my face.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss my son but at least now I can smile.

IN GRIEF WE NEED TO LOOK FOR HOPE EVERYWHERE......

Rest for the Weary.....

I have been carrying heavy burdens in my heart.  Not only do I face the challenges of Jay's death but the needs of my family.  I attempt to stand strong and clear headed; but at times feel feeble and tired.  Today I sat in court with the fate of a family member in my hands.  With sad eyes that broke my heart; they pleaded for me to give them guidance.  I just don't know how to fix things anymore....

I've been pretty mad at God lately.   I have begged and begged for just a little reprieve from the chaos in my life.  Chastising him for not listening; feeling like he has turned his back on me.  Even questioning if he is really real.  Wow can grief test our faith!!!!  Jesus never told us that this life would be easy but what He did say to us is that He would make our burdens light. In fact He tells us that in this world we will have trials/tribulations. The question therefore is how do we live in a world that is not burden free especially when you are grieving the loss of a child. 

I came across the following message from two separate sources today; a youtube song and a blog written by Joanne Ellison.  Guess God is trying to tell me to stop screaming at him; that he hears me loud and clear....

• Rest for the Weary

Blog Posted September 4, 2012 by joanneellison in Christian Speaker

This morning I woke up with a Scripture on my heart: Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

• Come to Me (with Joanne Cash)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5J7LZhmuYE&feature=youtu.be  It is so apropos that this video is about Johnny Cash; for Jay just loved this man and his music.

GOD SURE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.  TO ALL GRIEVING PARENTS -

 GOD BLESS YOU

Laying Down My Burdens

Each one of these stacked rocks represents a burden that I carry emotionally with me each day.  A cocktail of crazy unrealistic expectations; from trying to protect my youngest son 24/7 to chastising myself for not having done something in Jason's name - heck it's been two years.   In the last week I have gone to the beach no less than five times to reflect, find solace and to pray.    Jason's death has placed such fear in my heart and made me a little nutty (lol).   As a grieving mom, I am ever vigilante always waiting for the shoe to drop again.   SO CRAZY - for none of us are  in control of our destiny or the destiny of others. On that rocky stretch of beach that I love so much in the Borough of Stonington, I left my burdens in God's hands.

For right now  I am going to take care of myself physically; eating right, exercising and resting. THAT'S IT!!!!!! Making sure this earthly vessel is strong with the stamina needed to carry out God's plans whenever they reveal themselves.  I will let him be the navigator in my life.  For right now - I will drift along and wait for the direction of the wind to change.

 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

One Last Goodbye....

If you knew you only had moments of life left to live......

What would you choose as your last words.......

What would you say........

I listen to my videos of Jay over and over again.  It is so important that I don't forget what he sounds like.  I miss his goofy laugh and his expressions which were so unique to him alone.  Unlike a child who lives across country in another state; I can't just pick up the phone to tell him how much I miss and love him. 

The last time I saw Jay, I had the opportunity to tell him goodbye, be careful on the bike and that "I love you".    I was too preoccupied with my gardens and didn't take the time.  Don't miss any opportunity to tell  people (especially your children) how much you love them.  In a heartbeat - you may never get the chance again.  God Bless all Grieving Parents......

What If?

What if…?, What if….?, What if….?

Last night I woke in the middle of the night.  I could hear the cars passing - the sound of the wind - the noises of the night.  A sinking feeling started in the pit of my stomach.  It felt like fear but so much bigger.   I thought to myself the windows were opened that horrible night two years ago. I can hear all these night noises tonight -  why didn't I that night.  What kind of Mother doesn't sense when something is terribly wrong with her child.   Why didn't I wake up to the noise created by Jason's accident - it was less than a 1/8 of a mile from home.  What if I had heard - could I have saved him....what if? what if? what if?

Oh yes, I have tormented myself with this question. It is like watching a movie over and over and willing the end to change. If I had only been able to do SOMETHING then this wouldn’t have happened…

 I saw these verses weeks ago and it reminds me that I am not always logical in my thinking......There is very often a tug-a-war with my heart and mind.  I will try harder to believe that I couldn't have changed this final scene in Jay's life here on earth!!!!!  God Bless all the Grieving Parents.....

I was right where I was supposed to be.
I knew all I could know....

I was not in control.
I did everything right.
I did my best.
I loved  my son with all my heart.
And it happened anyway.

A Unique Community

 A child that loses a parent is an orphan. A man who loses his wife is a widower. A woman who loses her husband is a widow. There is no name for a parent that loses a child, for there is no word to describe this pain.~unknown~

We are a unique community -  emotions not words pave the road on this grief journey.
  I get it - I so get it....God Bless you today!

COMPASSION

I cry when a tear rolls down your cheek,

I agonize when you weep.

I know that you question.

...

I know that you pray,
That you scream at night in your sleep.

I'm aware of your quavering voice when you speak,
Of your blank, straightforward stare.
I know of your pain, Your depression, your guilt,
That you search for a "a face" everywhere.

I watch as you walk with your head bowed low,
With despair written over your face.
I hear the quick sigh,
The internal cry.
I know how you wearily pace.

I see how you search, for a sign, for some hope,
That the light will still shine in your life.
I know how you live,
I know that you die
From the harsh words that wound, like a knife.

I empathize most with your loneliness now,
Even though you’re not always alone.
I see the rapture as you speak your child’s name,
For, I've lost a child of my own.

~ Charmaine Stickel

Today was a "I feel alive" kind of day

There are days on this grief journey that I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.  Today though was a "I feel alive" kind of day.  I went to the beach with  two little boys who belong to my son's girlfriend. Their giggling and funny antics was so contagious.  Together we spend hours building sand castles and hunting for sea glass. Not wanting to be outdone by a 10 year old; this 50+ woman swam out and back to the floating dock.  While out there I saw "moon jellyfish" - I had never seen them before; hundreds and hundreds of them - a first for me.  Then we baited hooks with hot dogs and hunted for crabs - another first for me.  We finished our day with ice cream cones; yes I had one too!  I no longer deprive myself  of such indulgence!  Life is way too short. A lesson learned the hard way....

Today I felt normal!   I laughed deep belly laughs and didn't feel guilty for not being sad.  For hours I was just in the moment; not having the shadow of the great sadness shatter my peace.  I am okay...I am really okay!

Letting you know with signs....

Last night I went onto to the porch to sit for awhile.  When I looked up to the sky; I was in awe in the majesty of all the stars.  I felt so very small in a universe so big.  I cried tears of sadness for my Jay; wondering where my son is right now.  Is he happy - is he safe but most important of all is he finally in a peaceful place. I just need to know that he is okay.....not knowing is the hardest part of grieving for a mother.

Today I once again received salve for my wounded heart.  My friend sent me this comforting poem with the following message; "I know that it is a struggle and some days are harder than others but Jay’s greatest desire is to see his Mother happy and living her life to the fullest.  Keep moving forward as I know that you are, one step at a time.  One step at a time."

Salve For My Wound


   The journey of grief over the death of our child can be a long arduous road.  Our wounds; they slowly start to heal but never fully.  A word, a song, a memory - so many triggers that can open and expose our wounds so easily.  I thank the Lord for the opportunities when salve is applied to my open wound. The soothing salve comes in so many ways.  I feel it when I smell the ocean - when I hear the cry of the hawks in the sky over my yard - in the dragonfly that dances on my flowers  or when the hummingbirds fly precariously around me as I sit in my rocking chair and yesterday when a friend sent me this card out of the blue to let me know she was thinking of me.  It brought a smile to my face and peace to my heart.  Grief is a mammoth beast that needs taming; it is so much easier when the burden is shared by people who love us.  Thank you to all my angels for walking with me on this journey called grief......

There will be a day......

 I trust in the Lord completely and I know I will see my Jay again, but until then it's so hard. Jeremy Camp's song is so comforting and I am sharing it with others to help you get through this journey called grief.

God Bless all the broken parents...

There will be a day.......
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dk8gkDiTvloc&h=JAQGQcpiuAQE3dqziga7ISiGVOPyExo3qZbmDKkawTmGz0A

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab

The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,

that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

[Chorus]

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel you're walking on your own

But there has never been a step

Where you've walked out all alone

[Chorus]

Troubled soul don't lose your heart

Cause joy and peace he brings

And the beauty that's in store

Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced

To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of  misery this is why this is why I sing.

Courage

Speaking with my friend Roxanne; she asked if I had read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Richard Warren.  A friend of hers' recommended that she join a study group on the subject.  I vaguely remembered reading it; but it wasn't a book that I had any recollection of being a "wow" book. I went in search of the book and perused through it.  This time I was seeing the message with a different set of eyes - the eyes of a grieving mother.  A mother who has been on a quest to find purpose for her life.   I found this statement that I had penciled in the margins of the book.

"The ability to find joy in the world of sorrow and hope at the edge of despair is a woman's witness to courage and her gift of new life to all...Miriam Theresa Winter

Then I read this excerpt: "Many people are driven by fear. Their fears may be the result of  a traumatic experience (death of our child) etc....  Fear-driven people often miss opportunities because they're afraid to venture out.  Instead they play it safe, avoiding risks and trying to maintain the status quo.  Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be. We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners." 

Author C.S. Lewis said after the death of his wife - "grief feels very much like fear." I have been walking around for the last two years with fear in my heart.  Waiting for the next shoe to drop - not trusting that my world won't be shattered again.  But, I will tell you this "I HAVE COURAGE." There are days that I say "I can't do this" - then I tell myself I will try again tomorrow and "I DO."  My faith in God propels me forward; each night I get on my knees.  I pray and ask for guidance, courage and strength on this journey called grief.

 What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

         If God is for us, who can be against us?

                                                                                              Romans 8:31

A Brother Left Behind...

When Jay passed he not only left me behind but he left behind his younger brother.  His brother has felt such a tremendous loss since Jay’s passing.  Jay was his protector and most of all his friend.  When I look at pictures of the two of them; Jay’s brother always has his arm around Jay; you could just see the love and admiration in his face.

This grief journey has been incredibly hard for him also; I hate to see him hurting.  Since Jay’s passing I just want to make everything right for him. At whatever cost; be it financial or emotional – I just want to fix it.  I know it’s not right – but my aching heart always trumps the logic in my mind.  I know he needs to live his own life as we all did; working through the good and bad.  But, I keep thinking I can make it all better!

Jays’s passing has so changed me.  Sometimes I am afraid to breath; life is so incredibly fragile.  In a heartbeat everything I knew changed; my world was turned upside down.  I didn’t see the freight train coming.  Death of my child has left me cautious, fearful and vulnerable.  I hang on a little too tight to my youngest.  Before Jay’s passing; I could live my life separately from that of my children.  Now I NEED to see, talk - connect in some way with my youngest all the time.   The hole so big in my heart and fear so real that I just need to know he is okay.  How hard it must be for the sibling left behind to pick up the pieces!

I need to work harder at harnessing my fears and loosening the tether to my youngest son. He needs to learn his own life lessons and go THROUGH the grief.  I have been trying to help him go around it; but that will only prolong the grief journey.   I thank the Lord for my youngest son; he gives me purpose to try a little harder each day – to keep moving – to keep living……..
God Bless the grieving parent.

Butterflies

My friend Roxanne feeds and nourishes my spiritual self.  For my birthday she gave me two much needed gifts.  Not the kind you buy in a store off a shelf - but the kind that heals the broken parts of your soul.

Gift #1
 She told me on my birthday that just for the day I was to smile at three separate people. Since Jay's death I don't make eye contact with too many people.  I tend to walk with my head bowed to avoid meeting the eyes of someone I may know.  I avoid at all cost talking about my son's accident and seeing the sadness in their faces; a trigger for all grieving parents.  I feel the tears start to bubble and I am uncomfortable allowing acquaintances see my vulnerable heart.  On my birthday  I made a conscience effort to smile to those around me.  By doing so people I don't know were smiling back at me and sometimes uttering a happy greeting.  It empowered me to smile again and again.  My spirits were lifted and I felt at peace......

Gift #2
In the mail, I receive a letter from my dear friend.  When I opened the envelope I found all these paper butterflies meticulously cutout; with a simple note that said:

"Butterflies have a one-week life span.  What is their purpose?"

I thought in my head they are beings of beauty and inspiration for so many people.  They are not needed for pollination of flowers or the evolution process.  Beauties that can just be...... the message my dear soul-sister was trying to tell me soothed the conflict and urgency in my heart like salve on a wound.  Since Jay's passing; one statement that I have made over and over is "What is my purpose? - I need to find my purpose! - I can’t let Jay's passing be for not - I need to make something good out of something so bad!”  I had to validate my existence here on earth; I had to have measurable reasons for still being alive and my Jay is not.   Roxanne has taught me that it is okay for me to "Just Be".   To let the ebb and flow of life just take me in the direction I need to go.   There is a greater plan for me and I need to let it unfold on its own.   My soul-sister she is a smart one and I thank the Lord every day for placing her in my path.

Paper Butterflies from my Sweet Friend

 

Hope For Me Today

Last night I dreamt of my grown-up Jay; he looked exactly the way I last saw him.  He was very excited to show me this dump of an RV he had bought.  Jay was one that always wanted me to come see what he was doing or what he had fixed.  Sometimes it would back fire on me like the time he fixed the air compressor and chased me around with the air hose.  Miss those days; the dream left me feeling melancholy and lonely.


I dressed for church and left early to meet Jays' best friend for breakfast.  Jay was and always will be his wingman; we both miss him very much.  Jared still remains loyal to my Jay and keeps in touch with me all the time.  It's his way of being there when he knows Jay can't.  We both said goodbye with heavy hearts.


After church I went to the cemetery as I always do to water the flowers and have quiet moments.  My heart was feeling more and more burdened. 


When I came home I turned on Jay's music and listened to the words of his favorite singer "Aaron Lewis"; one song in particular "Something to Remind You" had me sobbing.  ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH...........okay Jay I need to move!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I changed my clothes and headed for the gardens; directly in my foot path was a beautiful feather;  Gift #1 - now I am smiling and I say I love you too.  I trimmed - I raked and when I turned to pick up my pile of brush; there sitting on top just as pretty as can be was Gift #2 a "blue-tail dragonfly."  For those of you that have followed my entries - you already know that the dragonfly reminds me of my Jay as it was a poem read at his one year anniversary. So I stood for a while crying and telling Jay how much I miss him but I am trying with all my heart to live life as he would want me too.  If anyone had seen me in the yard talking to a pile of brush for sure they would have thought she has gone batty...crazier then that I ask it to stay so that I can get me camera in the house...and it does.


 My sister asks me tonight - do you think the dragonfly is Jay; because you are worrying me.  I had to laugh and tell her no; but  they are signs that tell me even though I can't physically see my son - we are still connected spiritually.  Jay will forever be my son and I will always have a relationship with him; albeit so very different.  And yes I am feeling so much better tonight!

Blue-Tail Dragonfly Poem - http://www.funeral-poems.net/comment/510