What If?

What if…?, What if….?, What if….?

Last night I woke in the middle of the night.  I could hear the cars passing - the sound of the wind - the noises of the night.  A sinking feeling started in the pit of my stomach.  It felt like fear but so much bigger.   I thought to myself the windows were opened that horrible night two years ago. I can hear all these night noises tonight -  why didn't I that night.  What kind of Mother doesn't sense when something is terribly wrong with her child.   Why didn't I wake up to the noise created by Jason's accident - it was less than a 1/8 of a mile from home.  What if I had heard - could I have saved him....what if? what if? what if?

Oh yes, I have tormented myself with this question. It is like watching a movie over and over and willing the end to change. If I had only been able to do SOMETHING then this wouldn’t have happened…

 I saw these verses weeks ago and it reminds me that I am not always logical in my thinking......There is very often a tug-a-war with my heart and mind.  I will try harder to believe that I couldn't have changed this final scene in Jay's life here on earth!!!!!  God Bless all the Grieving Parents.....

I was right where I was supposed to be.
I knew all I could know....

I was not in control.
I did everything right.
I did my best.
I loved  my son with all my heart.
And it happened anyway.