Butterflies

My friend Roxanne feeds and nourishes my spiritual self.  For my birthday she gave me two much needed gifts.  Not the kind you buy in a store off a shelf - but the kind that heals the broken parts of your soul.

Gift #1
 She told me on my birthday that just for the day I was to smile at three separate people. Since Jay's death I don't make eye contact with too many people.  I tend to walk with my head bowed to avoid meeting the eyes of someone I may know.  I avoid at all cost talking about my son's accident and seeing the sadness in their faces; a trigger for all grieving parents.  I feel the tears start to bubble and I am uncomfortable allowing acquaintances see my vulnerable heart.  On my birthday  I made a conscience effort to smile to those around me.  By doing so people I don't know were smiling back at me and sometimes uttering a happy greeting.  It empowered me to smile again and again.  My spirits were lifted and I felt at peace......

Gift #2
In the mail, I receive a letter from my dear friend.  When I opened the envelope I found all these paper butterflies meticulously cutout; with a simple note that said:

"Butterflies have a one-week life span.  What is their purpose?"

I thought in my head they are beings of beauty and inspiration for so many people.  They are not needed for pollination of flowers or the evolution process.  Beauties that can just be...... the message my dear soul-sister was trying to tell me soothed the conflict and urgency in my heart like salve on a wound.  Since Jay's passing; one statement that I have made over and over is "What is my purpose? - I need to find my purpose! - I can’t let Jay's passing be for not - I need to make something good out of something so bad!”  I had to validate my existence here on earth; I had to have measurable reasons for still being alive and my Jay is not.   Roxanne has taught me that it is okay for me to "Just Be".   To let the ebb and flow of life just take me in the direction I need to go.   There is a greater plan for me and I need to let it unfold on its own.   My soul-sister she is a smart one and I thank the Lord every day for placing her in my path.

Paper Butterflies from my Sweet Friend

 

Logic and Grief don't fit together

Last night I stood in front of my Jay's memorial table to tell him goodnight and that I love him.  A ritual that I do every night before I go to bed.  This feeling of extreme guilt washed over me as I stared at his handsome face. It actually scared me that I hadn't felt the deep sadness all day. The sting of his loss was not so sharp. To the contrary it was a good day spent with a friend - hiking and laughing. This morning I woke to the same guilt and fear from the night before; I felt overwhelmed and tired.

Oh Dear Lord; am I forgetting Jay already - am I forgetting that he is gone.  What kind of Mother am I that I can just put aside the worst possible pain ""the death of my son" and be happy!  Is my worst fear that I will forget Jay already happening? 

When my father passed away; I cried and cried thinking I will never get over this loss.  But I did and I am no longer haunted by his passing.  I think of him sometimes; but the memories are few.  I don't want this to happen with Jay.  I don't want to let go - I don't want to forget ..........

Logically my head is telling me that my concerns are the voice of a Mother's broken heart.  But my heart is reminding me that there is a big gaping hole that only my Jay can fill.  I am a grieving Mom and the word LOGIC and GRIEF just don't fit together in a sentence. I just need to learn how to manage the two…….

I saw this poem on a friend’s Facebook page; recently she also loss her son to a motorcycle accident.  It is a good reminder for all of us that have lost a child…..live life as they would have wanted us too.