Laying Down My Burdens

Each one of these stacked rocks represents a burden that I carry emotionally with me each day.  A cocktail of crazy unrealistic expectations; from trying to protect my youngest son 24/7 to chastising myself for not having done something in Jason's name - heck it's been two years.   In the last week I have gone to the beach no less than five times to reflect, find solace and to pray.    Jason's death has placed such fear in my heart and made me a little nutty (lol).   As a grieving mom, I am ever vigilante always waiting for the shoe to drop again.   SO CRAZY - for none of us are  in control of our destiny or the destiny of others. On that rocky stretch of beach that I love so much in the Borough of Stonington, I left my burdens in God's hands.

For right now  I am going to take care of myself physically; eating right, exercising and resting. THAT'S IT!!!!!! Making sure this earthly vessel is strong with the stamina needed to carry out God's plans whenever they reveal themselves.  I will let him be the navigator in my life.  For right now - I will drift along and wait for the direction of the wind to change.

 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

One Last Goodbye....

If you knew you only had moments of life left to live......

What would you choose as your last words.......

What would you say........

I listen to my videos of Jay over and over again.  It is so important that I don't forget what he sounds like.  I miss his goofy laugh and his expressions which were so unique to him alone.  Unlike a child who lives across country in another state; I can't just pick up the phone to tell him how much I miss and love him. 

The last time I saw Jay, I had the opportunity to tell him goodbye, be careful on the bike and that "I love you".    I was too preoccupied with my gardens and didn't take the time.  Don't miss any opportunity to tell  people (especially your children) how much you love them.  In a heartbeat - you may never get the chance again.  God Bless all Grieving Parents......

What If?

What if…?, What if….?, What if….?

Last night I woke in the middle of the night.  I could hear the cars passing - the sound of the wind - the noises of the night.  A sinking feeling started in the pit of my stomach.  It felt like fear but so much bigger.   I thought to myself the windows were opened that horrible night two years ago. I can hear all these night noises tonight -  why didn't I that night.  What kind of Mother doesn't sense when something is terribly wrong with her child.   Why didn't I wake up to the noise created by Jason's accident - it was less than a 1/8 of a mile from home.  What if I had heard - could I have saved him....what if? what if? what if?

Oh yes, I have tormented myself with this question. It is like watching a movie over and over and willing the end to change. If I had only been able to do SOMETHING then this wouldn’t have happened…

 I saw these verses weeks ago and it reminds me that I am not always logical in my thinking......There is very often a tug-a-war with my heart and mind.  I will try harder to believe that I couldn't have changed this final scene in Jay's life here on earth!!!!!  God Bless all the Grieving Parents.....

I was right where I was supposed to be.
I knew all I could know....

I was not in control.
I did everything right.
I did my best.
I loved  my son with all my heart.
And it happened anyway.

A Unique Community

 A child that loses a parent is an orphan. A man who loses his wife is a widower. A woman who loses her husband is a widow. There is no name for a parent that loses a child, for there is no word to describe this pain.~unknown~

We are a unique community -  emotions not words pave the road on this grief journey.
  I get it - I so get it....God Bless you today!

COMPASSION

I cry when a tear rolls down your cheek,

I agonize when you weep.

I know that you question.

...

I know that you pray,
That you scream at night in your sleep.

I'm aware of your quavering voice when you speak,
Of your blank, straightforward stare.
I know of your pain, Your depression, your guilt,
That you search for a "a face" everywhere.

I watch as you walk with your head bowed low,
With despair written over your face.
I hear the quick sigh,
The internal cry.
I know how you wearily pace.

I see how you search, for a sign, for some hope,
That the light will still shine in your life.
I know how you live,
I know that you die
From the harsh words that wound, like a knife.

I empathize most with your loneliness now,
Even though you’re not always alone.
I see the rapture as you speak your child’s name,
For, I've lost a child of my own.

~ Charmaine Stickel

Today was a "I feel alive" kind of day

There are days on this grief journey that I wonder if I will ever feel normal again.  Today though was a "I feel alive" kind of day.  I went to the beach with  two little boys who belong to my son's girlfriend. Their giggling and funny antics was so contagious.  Together we spend hours building sand castles and hunting for sea glass. Not wanting to be outdone by a 10 year old; this 50+ woman swam out and back to the floating dock.  While out there I saw "moon jellyfish" - I had never seen them before; hundreds and hundreds of them - a first for me.  Then we baited hooks with hot dogs and hunted for crabs - another first for me.  We finished our day with ice cream cones; yes I had one too!  I no longer deprive myself  of such indulgence!  Life is way too short. A lesson learned the hard way....

Today I felt normal!   I laughed deep belly laughs and didn't feel guilty for not being sad.  For hours I was just in the moment; not having the shadow of the great sadness shatter my peace.  I am okay...I am really okay!

Letting you know with signs....

Last night I went onto to the porch to sit for awhile.  When I looked up to the sky; I was in awe in the majesty of all the stars.  I felt so very small in a universe so big.  I cried tears of sadness for my Jay; wondering where my son is right now.  Is he happy - is he safe but most important of all is he finally in a peaceful place. I just need to know that he is okay.....not knowing is the hardest part of grieving for a mother.

Today I once again received salve for my wounded heart.  My friend sent me this comforting poem with the following message; "I know that it is a struggle and some days are harder than others but Jay’s greatest desire is to see his Mother happy and living her life to the fullest.  Keep moving forward as I know that you are, one step at a time.  One step at a time."

Salve For My Wound


   The journey of grief over the death of our child can be a long arduous road.  Our wounds; they slowly start to heal but never fully.  A word, a song, a memory - so many triggers that can open and expose our wounds so easily.  I thank the Lord for the opportunities when salve is applied to my open wound. The soothing salve comes in so many ways.  I feel it when I smell the ocean - when I hear the cry of the hawks in the sky over my yard - in the dragonfly that dances on my flowers  or when the hummingbirds fly precariously around me as I sit in my rocking chair and yesterday when a friend sent me this card out of the blue to let me know she was thinking of me.  It brought a smile to my face and peace to my heart.  Grief is a mammoth beast that needs taming; it is so much easier when the burden is shared by people who love us.  Thank you to all my angels for walking with me on this journey called grief......

There will be a day......

 I trust in the Lord completely and I know I will see my Jay again, but until then it's so hard. Jeremy Camp's song is so comforting and I am sharing it with others to help you get through this journey called grief.

God Bless all the broken parents...

There will be a day.......
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dk8gkDiTvloc&h=JAQGQcpiuAQE3dqziga7ISiGVOPyExo3qZbmDKkawTmGz0A

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have

But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab

The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth,

that we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings

That there will be a place with no more suffering

[Chorus]

There will be a day with no more tears, no more pain, and no more fears

There will be a day when the burdens of this place, will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long

You feel you're walking on your own

But there has never been a step

Where you've walked out all alone

[Chorus]

Troubled soul don't lose your heart

Cause joy and peace he brings

And the beauty that's in store

Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

I can't wait until that day where the very one I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced

To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of  misery this is why this is why I sing.

Courage

Speaking with my friend Roxanne; she asked if I had read "The Purpose Driven Life" by Richard Warren.  A friend of hers' recommended that she join a study group on the subject.  I vaguely remembered reading it; but it wasn't a book that I had any recollection of being a "wow" book. I went in search of the book and perused through it.  This time I was seeing the message with a different set of eyes - the eyes of a grieving mother.  A mother who has been on a quest to find purpose for her life.   I found this statement that I had penciled in the margins of the book.

"The ability to find joy in the world of sorrow and hope at the edge of despair is a woman's witness to courage and her gift of new life to all...Miriam Theresa Winter

Then I read this excerpt: "Many people are driven by fear. Their fears may be the result of  a traumatic experience (death of our child) etc....  Fear-driven people often miss opportunities because they're afraid to venture out.  Instead they play it safe, avoiding risks and trying to maintain the status quo.  Fear is a self-imposed prison that will keep you from becoming what God intends you to be. We are products of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners." 

Author C.S. Lewis said after the death of his wife - "grief feels very much like fear." I have been walking around for the last two years with fear in my heart.  Waiting for the next shoe to drop - not trusting that my world won't be shattered again.  But, I will tell you this "I HAVE COURAGE." There are days that I say "I can't do this" - then I tell myself I will try again tomorrow and "I DO."  My faith in God propels me forward; each night I get on my knees.  I pray and ask for guidance, courage and strength on this journey called grief.

 What, then, shall we say in response to these things?

         If God is for us, who can be against us?

                                                                                              Romans 8:31