Birdhouse and the Dragonfly

Late in the evening Tuesday, July 9^th   I went back to the cemetery to visit Jay again.  It was a long emotional day and my heart heavy from the memories of that awful day three years ago.  There are only a few people who continue to keep Jay’s memory alive.  They always remember his anniversary and birthday; I always get a tex message or a call.  One of those people is Jay’s best-friend Jared; he was the first one to reach out to me on Jay’s anniversary.    Even though he was out of town working he made arrangements to have a Harley birdhouse placed at the cemetery.  His unconditional love and commitment to Jay calms my heart.  Jared gives me bear hugs like my Jay; if I close my eyes – I can feel my son.

Sunday morning I had breakfast with Jared; I had something personal of Jay I wanted to give him.  Jared was touched and I knew I had made the right decision.  After attending Church I went to the cemetery as I always do.  As I was weeding and cleaning up around the memorial this blue-tailed dragonfly kept flying around me.  It flew so close to my face; that I could hear the beating of the wings.  It then lighted on the shepherds hook near me and continued to perch there for at least 15 minutes.  Even as I moved around; it lifted up in flight but came right back.   I opened my hand and it came and sat on my finger; it was unmoved by my walking around or taking pictures.  Eventually I put it back on the shepherd’s hook.  I knew Jay was showing me that he was happy and appreciated what I did for his buddy Jared that morning.  A half hour had passed and the dragonfly was still with me. Leaving I turned to get one last look – the blue tailed dragonfly was gone.

                      

The Man at the Cemetery

Went today to water the plants at the cemetery; it has been so hot.  I half expect now that I will see a dragonfly when I get there; so I did.  It makes me giggle inside knowing Jay is always waiting for me when I get there

The Shepard’s Hook that holds the Harley Birdhouse needs replacing.  One of the metal legs is bent and I am afraid it will fall and damage Jay’s Memorial stone.   I decided when I left the cemetery to go and buy a new on; I would replace it tomorrow.  Paranoid about something happening; I went back tonight to the cemetery to put up the new hook.  As I pulled up to Jay’s Memorial, I noticed a truck with a skull attached to the trailer hitch.  In my mind, I’m thinking Jay would have like that.  Looking around, I didn’t see anyone; thought maybe it was one of the walkers I see there frequently.  I was struggling to remove the hook when this young man around Jay’s age asked if he could help me.  He was so kind and even put the old hook by my car.   When done I shook his hand and introduced myself.  He said “nice to meet you – my name is Jay Jay”…..I started to cry.  I explained that was my son’s nickname.  He told me of a terrible motorcycle accident he was involved in August 2009; he spoke of being two weeks in a coma and the long road to his recovery.  Then he say’s “want to hear something crazier – my mom’s name is Nancy”.  But, she is up there with your son. 

Live Like Jay

“Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.”   Frederick Buechner

July 9^th 2013 will mark the third anniversary of my Jay’s untimely accident.  Being a logical person, I truly believed that this year would not be as hard as year one and year two.  I look at where I was three years ago compared to today; I am stronger, wiser and learning; pushing myself to live my life without Jay in it.  But the devastation started to settle in once the calendar changed to July 1^st.  

Grief is such an angry beast!  He is relentless in his quest to strip me of hope and joy.  The beast knocks me back down and detours my journey of healing.  The sadness makes me tired and I cry so much more than I normally do.  Stinkin thinkin magnifies itself; I start to question my existence here on earth.  Am I ever going to do more than just exist day to day waiting for joy to return.   I’m sad.  Brokenhearted and wounded.  My Jay is momentarily gone from me, taken without notice, way too soon for my liking.

But always in true fashion, my Jay finds a way of sending a message to me from behind the veil.   Renting movies is my way of keeping my mind quiet.  I picked this movie called “Chasing Mavericks”; I thought it was a horse movie.  Unbeknownst to me it was a true story of “Jay Moriarty” a surfer who lived only 22 short years. 

At the end of the movie this sign comes across the screen; “Live Like Jay”.    When the community in California says “Live Like Jay”.  It means to enjoy every day and live in the moment.  Take the time to appreciate the people around you.   I cry alligator tears “okay my Jay okay.”

One month before Jay passed he wrote the following on the chalkboard in the basement.

“Gotta look this world in the eye. Gotta live this life until you die”

Love you my son to the moon and back for always...miss you like crazy