Too Many Coincidences Not To Mention....

 

This year I seriously thought I was better equipped to handle Mother's Day.  That is so far from the truth; yesterday and today has been an emotional upheaval of memories and feelings.  I  cried alligator tears one minute and the next I am unleashing anger over Jason's death on my baby sister (yes I have apologized profusely - thank God she understood and was sympathetic).  Mitch Carmody who speaks on grief sent this message to the grieving Mothers of Compassionate Friends:
"No matter how many years will pass - your heart will hurt this day.  Like a glowing ember flaring up the pain returns your way.  There is nothing that can be said, nothing anyone can do.  No one can heal the pain inside of you. It is your pain, the greatest burden a mother can bear. Find solace the best you can in knowing a mother's love transcends all time and space.  And no matter where your child is - they will feel your heart's embrace."

And so in true fashion my son let's me know he is near:

1. Yesterday a lady approached me - she had on a beautiful dragonfly necklace. (Jay's poem - the Dragonfly)
2.  Immediately after leaving the parking lot - a truck passed me; attached to the front of his grill was a Tasmanian Devil (Jay's nickname in school)
3. I received this card from Compassionate Friends; yes I am Forever Jay's Mom           
4. As I left the cemetery this morning; I turned and said to Jay please visit me today. When I got into the car I received this tex. "Happy Mother's Day - I love you to the moon and back".  Yes it was from my sweet Morgan but I also knew that Jay found a way to let me know that he loves me to the moon and back also.
5. Home after the cemetery; I felt so tired.  Crying takes so much energy physically and mentally. I decided to lay down for awhile - but something told me to look outside.  Perched on my deck railing was the most beautiful orange oriole.  Never saw a bird like this in my yard ever; Jay knows how much I love the birds. 
6. But the best of all messages came late tonight after I left my youngest son.  It was dusk but I could see something shiny in the bushes at the edge of the woods.  It was this balloon that had gotten away from someone and made it's way to my home - "YOU'RE A GREAT MOM"

 There are no coincidences; things happen for a reason.  Mitch is right; my Jay he always feels my heart's embrace.  Miss my son and love him to the moon and back for always.  God Bless all grieving Moms this day.


When You Take A Step Backwards

Jay’s last entry on his Facebook status simply said:

“Everyday seems to be a little easier than the last.  I just can’t wait till the day when I can just enjoy today”.

 When I saw this message yesterday I thought to myself it was as if Jay had written this for me also.  Being back in Connecticut for the last 10 days after spending three months away has been such an emotional roller-coaster for me.  I have lost my sure footing! Triggers triggers triggers they are everywhere in Windham.  Being away allowed me to heal; there wasn’t the constant reminder that my Jay is really gone.  The downstairs where Jay stayed is empty and void of his presence.  It echoes with emptiness; no familiar sounds, no laughter, no familiar smells – just quiet. The telephone pole that took him away from us looms ominously a 1/8 of a mile from my driveway.  Visiting the cemetery after so many months and seeing his handsome face on a stone of granite; just felt so unreal.   Last Sunday, as I hugged his stone feeling the cold against my cheek; all I wished for was one more Jay hug.  In true Jay fashion I get my wish!  Stopping at a local IGA to pick up a few things – Jay’s best friend Jared is there and his is wearing Jay’s Memorial shirt.  He gives me one of Jay’s bear hugs.  Jay sent me Jared when he couldn't be there himself.  Monday I was still struggling; as I sat in the dentist office a dental technician came in; on her neck was tattooed the most beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly.  My best friend said it so eloquently “Jay always sends you strength”.  That he does and I am trying harder today.

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 Excerpt from by Hope For The Broken Hearted: Everyone does grieve differently, but most people will share this same experience... you will be going along, thinking that you are doing well and then a song, a smell or something unexpected will pop up, and it will hit you hard... you will feel so overcome with grief, that it feels like you are back to square one with your pain. If you are aware that it can happen...and more importantly, that it's normal and that others experience the same thing, it won't throw you for such a loop... you will realize you're not back at square one, you've only taken a step backward and you will not remain stuck there... you will soon be able to continue where you left off in your healing journey.