A Brother Left Behind...

When Jay passed he not only left me behind but he left behind his younger brother.  His brother has felt such a tremendous loss since Jay’s passing.  Jay was his protector and most of all his friend.  When I look at pictures of the two of them; Jay’s brother always has his arm around Jay; you could just see the love and admiration in his face.

This grief journey has been incredibly hard for him also; I hate to see him hurting.  Since Jay’s passing I just want to make everything right for him. At whatever cost; be it financial or emotional – I just want to fix it.  I know it’s not right – but my aching heart always trumps the logic in my mind.  I know he needs to live his own life as we all did; working through the good and bad.  But, I keep thinking I can make it all better!

Jays’s passing has so changed me.  Sometimes I am afraid to breath; life is so incredibly fragile.  In a heartbeat everything I knew changed; my world was turned upside down.  I didn’t see the freight train coming.  Death of my child has left me cautious, fearful and vulnerable.  I hang on a little too tight to my youngest.  Before Jay’s passing; I could live my life separately from that of my children.  Now I NEED to see, talk - connect in some way with my youngest all the time.   The hole so big in my heart and fear so real that I just need to know he is okay.  How hard it must be for the sibling left behind to pick up the pieces!

I need to work harder at harnessing my fears and loosening the tether to my youngest son. He needs to learn his own life lessons and go THROUGH the grief.  I have been trying to help him go around it; but that will only prolong the grief journey.   I thank the Lord for my youngest son; he gives me purpose to try a little harder each day – to keep moving – to keep living……..
God Bless the grieving parent.

Butterflies

My friend Roxanne feeds and nourishes my spiritual self.  For my birthday she gave me two much needed gifts.  Not the kind you buy in a store off a shelf - but the kind that heals the broken parts of your soul.

Gift #1
 She told me on my birthday that just for the day I was to smile at three separate people. Since Jay's death I don't make eye contact with too many people.  I tend to walk with my head bowed to avoid meeting the eyes of someone I may know.  I avoid at all cost talking about my son's accident and seeing the sadness in their faces; a trigger for all grieving parents.  I feel the tears start to bubble and I am uncomfortable allowing acquaintances see my vulnerable heart.  On my birthday  I made a conscience effort to smile to those around me.  By doing so people I don't know were smiling back at me and sometimes uttering a happy greeting.  It empowered me to smile again and again.  My spirits were lifted and I felt at peace......

Gift #2
In the mail, I receive a letter from my dear friend.  When I opened the envelope I found all these paper butterflies meticulously cutout; with a simple note that said:

"Butterflies have a one-week life span.  What is their purpose?"

I thought in my head they are beings of beauty and inspiration for so many people.  They are not needed for pollination of flowers or the evolution process.  Beauties that can just be...... the message my dear soul-sister was trying to tell me soothed the conflict and urgency in my heart like salve on a wound.  Since Jay's passing; one statement that I have made over and over is "What is my purpose? - I need to find my purpose! - I can’t let Jay's passing be for not - I need to make something good out of something so bad!”  I had to validate my existence here on earth; I had to have measurable reasons for still being alive and my Jay is not.   Roxanne has taught me that it is okay for me to "Just Be".   To let the ebb and flow of life just take me in the direction I need to go.   There is a greater plan for me and I need to let it unfold on its own.   My soul-sister she is a smart one and I thank the Lord every day for placing her in my path.

Paper Butterflies from my Sweet Friend

 

Hope For Me Today

Last night I dreamt of my grown-up Jay; he looked exactly the way I last saw him.  He was very excited to show me this dump of an RV he had bought.  Jay was one that always wanted me to come see what he was doing or what he had fixed.  Sometimes it would back fire on me like the time he fixed the air compressor and chased me around with the air hose.  Miss those days; the dream left me feeling melancholy and lonely.


I dressed for church and left early to meet Jays' best friend for breakfast.  Jay was and always will be his wingman; we both miss him very much.  Jared still remains loyal to my Jay and keeps in touch with me all the time.  It's his way of being there when he knows Jay can't.  We both said goodbye with heavy hearts.


After church I went to the cemetery as I always do to water the flowers and have quiet moments.  My heart was feeling more and more burdened. 


When I came home I turned on Jay's music and listened to the words of his favorite singer "Aaron Lewis"; one song in particular "Something to Remind You" had me sobbing.  ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH...........okay Jay I need to move!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I changed my clothes and headed for the gardens; directly in my foot path was a beautiful feather;  Gift #1 - now I am smiling and I say I love you too.  I trimmed - I raked and when I turned to pick up my pile of brush; there sitting on top just as pretty as can be was Gift #2 a "blue-tail dragonfly."  For those of you that have followed my entries - you already know that the dragonfly reminds me of my Jay as it was a poem read at his one year anniversary. So I stood for a while crying and telling Jay how much I miss him but I am trying with all my heart to live life as he would want me too.  If anyone had seen me in the yard talking to a pile of brush for sure they would have thought she has gone batty...crazier then that I ask it to stay so that I can get me camera in the house...and it does.


 My sister asks me tonight - do you think the dragonfly is Jay; because you are worrying me.  I had to laugh and tell her no; but  they are signs that tell me even though I can't physically see my son - we are still connected spiritually.  Jay will forever be my son and I will always have a relationship with him; albeit so very different.  And yes I am feeling so much better tonight!

Blue-Tail Dragonfly Poem - http://www.funeral-poems.net/comment/510

Logic and Grief don't fit together

Last night I stood in front of my Jay's memorial table to tell him goodnight and that I love him.  A ritual that I do every night before I go to bed.  This feeling of extreme guilt washed over me as I stared at his handsome face. It actually scared me that I hadn't felt the deep sadness all day. The sting of his loss was not so sharp. To the contrary it was a good day spent with a friend - hiking and laughing. This morning I woke to the same guilt and fear from the night before; I felt overwhelmed and tired.

Oh Dear Lord; am I forgetting Jay already - am I forgetting that he is gone.  What kind of Mother am I that I can just put aside the worst possible pain ""the death of my son" and be happy!  Is my worst fear that I will forget Jay already happening? 

When my father passed away; I cried and cried thinking I will never get over this loss.  But I did and I am no longer haunted by his passing.  I think of him sometimes; but the memories are few.  I don't want this to happen with Jay.  I don't want to let go - I don't want to forget ..........

Logically my head is telling me that my concerns are the voice of a Mother's broken heart.  But my heart is reminding me that there is a big gaping hole that only my Jay can fill.  I am a grieving Mom and the word LOGIC and GRIEF just don't fit together in a sentence. I just need to learn how to manage the two…….

I saw this poem on a friend’s Facebook page; recently she also loss her son to a motorcycle accident.  It is a good reminder for all of us that have lost a child…..live life as they would have wanted us too.

In the midst of winter....

It has been one week since the two year anniversary of my Jay's passing.  I am feeling so much saner and stronger.  Hope has returned to my heart!  I was reminded today of my favorite saying

 "In the midst of winter - I discovered within me

 an invincible summer."

  I am a survivor..........

 

Expectations

In the last couple weeks I have become increasingly depressed by choosing to think depressing thoughts. “I can't live without you. I hate being alone. I want you back.”   I have been envisioning the worst; I am always going to feel like this - they say the third year is worse etc. etc. etc.  Whoa; I found out in a hurry that process of thinking is making matters so much worse.  I am learning real quickly the power of my expectations.  Reality is not what's REAL, but what I am expecting.  Author V. Jensen writes in God Never Quits “Expectations can be a way of locking into the present the worst that I can envision for the future." 

"A calm mind is good for our physical health, but it also enables us to see things more realistically".  Dalai Lama

 It’s clear that I need to replace my "expectations" (which honestly feels like fear to me sometimes) with a new way of thinking. I am letting go of these painful thoughts and turning my thoughts to positive expectations.  I am going to survive and be strong. I won’t be sad every day. I will be okay……Am I putting my mask on again; maybe!  But with the grace of God - I will continue to MOVE and not get stuck on this journey called grief.


 I know that God has a plan for me; I will continue to pray for clarity and understanding to know what I am supposed to do.  I will keep hope and belief in my heart that a parent can learn to live life again albeit differently after the death of their child.

 

For we are saved by hope: but hope that is seen is not hope. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
  Romans 8:24-25

I am Alive - even though a part of me has died....

An article written by a Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends a bereavement support group for grieving parents writes; “The first year following the death is unbelievable pain, but there is still shock to numb us. They say the second year, for many bereaved parents, is much worse than the first.  Friends fade away, the protective fog wears off and REALITY begins to set in.”  Yes this year (my second year) has been so much worse than last year.  The weeks leading up to the anniversary of Jay’s death had left me in turmoil.  No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep myself from falling into the deep sadness.  The dread of the date was almost as bad as the date (July 9) itself.  But, now that the date has past, I feel as though I have made it over another hurdle and feel somewhat relieved. 

I am sure that I visited the cemetery and the accident site no less than 10 times.  I lit a candle and left flowers at the accident site on the eve of Jay’s death. No one knows when Jay passed during that night but somehow it brought me comfort knowing that if Jay’s spirit passed through again; he would see the light and find his way.  Nutty right; maybe so – but when you are a grieving Mom all logic goes out the window – we try to reach our children anyway we can.

Even though I cried hundreds of tears these last couple days.  There were so many moments that I stopped, smiled and knew I wasn’t alone.  After church on Sunday, I went to the cemetery as I always do; as I left I had to step out of the way as I butterfly flew straight for me.  When Jay was young he would always draw me butterfly pictures or buy me things with butterflies.  I then took a ride to the beach to find some peace. A truck passed with a picture of a scorpion and the word scorpion written on the side.  Jay had an infatuation with scorpions; he had two tattoos of them and once owned a real one.  Arriving at the beach I get a tex from his best friend.  He has always referred to Jay as his “wingman”.   I then see a banner it says “let me be your “wingman”.   At dusk the 8^th, I went to the cemetary to leave him my signature orange rose. Before I left I told him as I always do "I love you to the moon and back". If you can - please come visit....that night when I opened my computer and went online this is what I saw.

 

Yesterday the 9^th, I drove by the accident site; then turned around and drove by it again.  A camper pulls up behind me and I see in big letters “Phoenix”.   I say to myself my Jay he so loves me.  You see,   Jay and I we share the same exact tattoo.  It is of the “Phoenix” rising…..

 Yes it hurts so bad and today I feel like someone ran me over me with a truck.   But,  "I am alive - even though a part of me has died".  I am learning to live without Jay being physically here; I will forever have a relationship with my son.  God has placed a desire in my heart to take the brokenness from Jay's death and turn it into something good, something helpful for someone some-where.  I will not let his death be the final word.

Beautiful song (The Hurt and the Healer) sent to me yesterday to ease my pain on the anniversay of Jay's passing.  Love you Tea... " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0

A Hole In My Heart

Very tough week for me; memories of that horrific morning "July 9, 2010" has haunted me. It was the day I identified the motorcycle accident victim as my son - he was 1/8 mile from our home and only 32 years young. To keep the "great sadness" at bay, I have kept busy cleaning crevices of my house that really doesn't need cleaning;   In my head I am screaming at myself  “I-Should-Be-Getting-Better”.  I should be handling the grief; instead it has taken me to my knees again.  A friend told me today; that I will be stronger again - it's just that time of year.  I know his words were meant to encourage me, but they still stung.  I have been "shoulding" all over myself; but the bottom line is that when it comes to grief and the death of our child there are no rules - no time tables and no quick fixes.  As grieving parents we can't go around it - we have to go through it for however long it takes in our own way.

When Jay left this earth, a hole in my heart  was also left. That hole will never ever be fully and completely filled.  I can fill my life with positive people, positive thoughts, scenes of heaven and hope, but the bottom line is that at the end of the day, there will still be an empty place that can only be filled by my Jay.  There is no substitute -- ever.  I will continue to live, but I have had to learn to live WITH that empty place always longing for the day when I will see Jay again. My friend is right; next week I will be stronger.  I will do it for my youngest son, I will do it for me, I will do it for the other grieving parents that I have vowed to help and I will do it for my Jay.  I know he would want me to live and not just exist. 

But for this week; I am taking my mask off  and allowing grief to come sit with me.  I am "Forever Jay's Mom" who misses and loves her son to the moon and back for always.. ...God bless every one living with the pain of child loss!  

 

WHEN I MUST LEAVE YOU

When I must leave you for a little while

Please do not grieve and shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you through the years

... But start out bravely with a gallant smile
And for my sake and in my name live on
And do all things the same, feed not your
Loneliness on empty days,
But fill each waking hour in useful ways
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near;
And never, never be afraid to die,
For I am waiting for you in the sky!

~ Helen Steiner Rice

Why I write "Crossroad of Hope"......

I know I am late posting my blog today; I have been procrastinating – keeping busy.  To tell you the truth I just wasn’t feeling any sense of hope the last couple days.  If anything I have had a sense of hopelessness.  In seven days, Jay will have been gone two years; I miss his hugs, his goofy laughs, his pranks but most of all how he would look at me.  I knew with one look how much he loved me.

Then I came across this poem.  I immediately thought my writing is important.   My purpose is to reach out to the other parents in pain.  Every time I write I am keeping the memories of my Jay alive for others but most importantly for ME.

IF THEIR SONG IS TO CONTINUE, THEN WE MUST DO THE SINGING


We have to find that special way that will allow us
to sing our loved one's song loud and clear.
Knowing you are doing something
... to keep your loved one's memory alive
keeps you passionately busy,
allows you to tell your sacred story,
adds joy to your heart,
brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life,
and rewards you with a meaningful life again.
Your loud voice will echo in many hearts
making sure your loved one is never erased from memory.

~ Elaine Stillwell ("Singing Their Song,")