I Thought It Was You...

I am week five of my sojourn here in the South.  The warm weather and sunshine has been very healing   As I walked the beach the other day, I thought to myself - I am doing better.  When two separate people asked me if I had any children – of course my reply was “Yes, I have two boys”.  Then the dreaded questions begin “what do they do for a living – are they married” etc. etc. I was able to answer their questions and talk about Jay without falling into tears.   This is how I knew I am healing! 

But then, I stumbled!  Sitting at the beach, I looked up to see a young man who looked like Jay coming towards me.  They say everyone has a twin – this was Jays’.  The same body type – the way he walked – the beard – the bald head; even the way he scratched his chin.  The emptiness of not seeing or hugging Jay for 2 ½ years came pouring in with a vengeance.  I wanted to run up and hug the guy; I wanted to hear him laugh.  Instead, I just kept sneaking a look at him and taking pictures when he wasn’t looking. Crazy woman alert; I am stalking an innocent bystander.  But who ever said a grieving mother wasn’t crazy.

Yes I stubbed my toe and it took me a couple days to regain my footing.  Yes the grief grabbed me by the shirttail and wrestled me to the ground.  BUT AND THIS IS A REALLY BIG BUT!  I know I am healing; for what use to take my weeks to regain my footing now only takes me hours or in this case a few days.

I miss my Jay and I carry him with me always. But, I keep living for Brandon, for Jay and importantly for myself.  God Bless all grieving parents. 

Bad Dream - Good Morning

Last night I had a dream about my Jay; he was a little boy around five or six years of age.  Jay was so distraught and sad crying his little eyes out.  It broke my heart to see him so heartbroken as I tried to console him.  I woke up feeling very heavy laden and broken myself.

Turning on the television to find distraction in the news; my sad morning turned into a good morning. The feature story was about an “Airbus” (you know those metallic spaceship looking vehicles that people use to travel around the country) rally that was being held locally.   They went on to say that this year they decided to include some other RVs.  To my surprise and tears the RV they showcased was the one called “Jay Feather and Jay Flight”.   Since Jay’s passing there is a handful of signs (dragonflies – red sea glass) that I know with certainty are from my Jay.  Many times I have written in my blog about seeing “Jay Flight or Jay Feather” when I needed to know Jay was still with me. 

Today was a gift from my Jay; the bond between my son and I is forever.  Just because I can’t physically hug him – somehow Jay always sends me a spiritual hug.