Happy Birthday My Son

Jason Edward Elliott  born 10/31/1977 at 9:08am in Amory Mississippi; weighing 6 lbs. 11 ozs./ 22 1/2 inches long. 

I was twenty-three years old the day Jason was born.  We were broke; neither of us had jobs and no medical insurance.  The moment I held my baby boy; I felt rich beyond belief.  I was blessed with a beautiful blue eyed boy with peach fuzz hair. 

So I celebrate my son's birthday not with cake, balloons, presents and cards.  This marks the third birthday that I will not physically hug my son.  Instead, there is a pumpkin at the cemetery that states "Happy Birthday My Son - Love You To The Moon and Back for ALWAYS".  Instead of singing Happy Birthday with made up lyrics into his cell phone or in person to make him laugh; I stood at the cemetery at 9:08am and sang my song to the wind.  Together my youngest and I rode his motorcycle on 7/9/12 (the anniversary date Jay left us) to honor him.  We will ride again on 10/31/12 .  My son loved riding his motorcycle and the freedom it gave him.  So today, as we ride I will send some of his ashes to the wind and he will ride with us again. 

Today is a hard day and I won't pretend I am so strong.  Because I am not - my heart hurts and I miss my son beyond words. I would trade 10 years of my life for one hug, one smile or to hear his goofy laugh. So for now I will say "I will try again tomorrow."  God Bless All Grieving Parents.

A song for my son -  "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-fz3m20WjQ&feature=youtu.be

Reflection

Psalm 55:17  - "Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice."

Take Me Home

Excerpt from my Memory Book of Jay

I, as well as thousands of other individuals went to the supermarket to prepare for Hurricane Sandy.  In the midst of shopping, over the PA; a song so dear to my heart began to play.  When I heard "Take Me Home Country Road".....tears welled in my eyes.  I could picture my little blond haired blued eyed baby boy singing this song in his little voice; so sweet.  The emotions that rushed into my heart were so big and the tears so close to exploding that for a moment I thought I was going to have to abandon my groceries and run out of the store.  But I didn't!  I  hid in the card aisle until the song finished.

Triggers; yes they can have negative effects but oh the positive effect they have on us.  They remind me of a beautiful memory that could otherwise be buried in my mind . As grieving parents oh to be blessed with the memories .   Miss you my son......God Bless all grieving parents.

Country Road -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWzeInQaUk4

Reflection

Psalm 55:22 (Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you.  He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.)

Sea Glass

Today I once again went to the sea for quiet reflection and to find peace.  It was a warm sunny day and I was able to put the top down on the car.  It was freeing to feel the wind and the warmth of the sun.  There are always subtle or in this instance blatant signs from my Jay.  As I came off the exit, an orange sign caught my eye.  It was a large truck with a crane on it.  Simply written on the crane in bold massive letters 

"ELLIOTT".

There is a hurricane coming but I see no sign of Sandy approaching all is calm and quiet at the shore.  It is ironic that last year on Jason's birthday we had the freak snow storm that left the state stranded.  Now we have an unseasonal hurricane that will arrive just in time for Jay's birthday.

It is low tide and I spend time looking for those rare gems called sea glass that I am always on a quest to find.  Beautiful pieces I did find; aqua blue, teal, greens and cornflower blue.  Once these gems from the sea were part of a whole. Now they are cracked and broken, but time has softened their edges, each becoming new on their own. 

I am like that piece of sea glass.  When Jason left us; I no longer was whole. I was broken fragmented pieces of what I once was.  The shards of a grieving mom - I  knew only pain and sorrow. But like my pieces of sea glass; the edges of  my grief  and sorrow have softened.  I have evolved through the many passages of this grief journey and I am healing.   I too am becoming new;  they call this time in a grieving parent's life the "New Normal".  Not saying that everyday is a good day; but I am saying that everyday is not a bad day.  God Bless All Grieving Parents.

Triggers

Yesterday my best friend and I went to the cemetery.  One week from tomorrow will be my Jay's birthday on Halloween.  We planted mums and left pumpkins.  While this is hard on me; I know this is hard for her too.  She loves my boys as her own.  She stops shoveling and stares off and says  "this doesn't feel real - we shouldn't be doing this."  She is right it feels so unfair; I am taking care of my son's gravesite.   It should be the other way around; children are not supposed to predecease their parents. TRIGGERS!!!

Triggers are like sucker punches to the stomach.  A reminder either gentle or blatant that our child is no longer here.  For me it takes on so many forms; the accident site, his beautiful smile on his gravestone,  his favorite music, cheese balls, peanut butter and graham crackers or the smell of the body wash he used etc etc.  This week it is his birthday. In addition, all the Halloween decorations and fanfare don't make it any easier for me to push it aside.

 We in grief want to believe that once we move beyond a certain point in our journey or after we have practiced many steps of acceptance, that the “new normal” (life) that we all hear about (in early grief) will change us so that we will no longer be as effected by those triggers as we were in our early grief.  But I recognized that I am still human, still a parent and I still am affected by my triggers. And I know these feelings can and will be with us forever. These trigger situations will continue to occur even when we think we are prepared and are practicing our "new normal" life. So I pray that I have the courage to get through those times when these triggers make my journey of grief even harder . God Bless All Grieving Parents.

Excerpt from my Memory Book; Jason's Birthday 10/31/1984

I Know Who Holds My Hand

Grief and loneliness will test me and knock me down.  It will at times challenge my belief in God.  So I pray!!!!

Prayer and quiet reflection is a large part of my life today.  Friends that know me understand when I say I  need to go to the sea.  They know that on a small patch of rock, I will sit and say my prayers.  A place where I leave my burdens.  But, at times prayer is not easy for me.  The words won't come - my mind a jigsaw puzzle.  All that is audible are groans of a broken mom and tears of an inconsolable heart.  I get discouraged; chastising myself for the lack of attention to prayer figuring God is not hearing me. 

On Sunday Pastor read Romans 8 Verse 26: "At the same time the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we don't know how to pray for what we need. But the Spirit intercedes along with our groans that cannot be expressed in words."

When I am broken and even when I can't pray - I am still being heard.  Pastor says that "we need to clasp God's hand and let him pull us through it".  My faith in God gives me Hope; as grieving parents that is all we have "HOPE".

God Bless all grieving parents...

"I Know Who Holds My Hand written by Ira Stanphill in 1950.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2n3iLXHzX9k

I am not the same...

"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me."
— Robert Browning

This week I ran into an old acquaintance that I worked with during my banking days. This individual  remembers me as an outspoken energetic (hyper) individual with a can do attitude.  He asked me what I was doing with myself and I told him that I took early retirement.  Kidding he laughed at me and indicated that I must be going crazy staying home.  Just the opposite I told him; after losing my son two years ago I look at life differently.  I am no longer that person I once was.

 Grief  changes a person. If you expect to go back to being the same person you were before your loss, you will be disappointed. That person is gone. It might be tempting to look at all the 'bad' ways you've changed (being fearful, sad, diminished, tired). I invite you to look at all the "good" ways you've changed -- and are becoming -- wiser, stronger, more compassionate and more understanding.  My family and friends; helping another is what matters to me.  I am learning to accept the new me.

My Mom Is A Survivor

 

Today I went into Walmart to buy some coffee.  While in the aisle I realized that I was humming to a song.   No coincidence that out of the millions of songs available; "Calling All Angels" was playing.  Third time in a week this song has played for me.  Needless to say - I left Walmart smiling ear to ear.  Jay's signs/messages calm my soul and infuse new energy into my being.  Knowing that he is near makes me strive to live my life whole heartedly and not just exist; going through the motions.  I am a Survivor and not a victim. Today I was told by someone who is struggling that after talking with me she always has Hope.  It made me feel good inside my heart for I do have a purpose.  I also have HOPE......

My Mom is a Survivor

Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My mom is a survivor,

Or so I have heard it said.

But I can hear her crying

When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

And go to hold her hand.

She doesn’t know I’m with her

To help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach

That never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom,

Who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...

A smile of disguise.

But through heaven’s open door

I see tears flowing from her eyes

My mom tries to cope with my death

To keep my memory alive.

But to anyone who knows her

Knows it’s her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

Through heaven’s open door...

I try to tell her

Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn’t help her...

Or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, talk to her...

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...

No matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

That time won’t ever heal.



 "Once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over..."

Message

I am a little more energized today.  I awoke early and headed out the door by 8:15am.  It is still low tide at the shore; so off I go to find precious jewels called sea glass.  The ocean has always been my escape; I let the rhythm of the ocean cradle me and bring me to a state of simply being.

 Last night, I dreamt of Jay  - the only part I remember was him being trapped on a rock ledge.  But I didn't wake up sad - I am actually at peace so the dream must have turned out all right. 

Once at the beach, I go to my quiet place to meditate. Behind closed eyes, I am in a beautiful garden with many rainbows.  There are a million beings; but all I can see is their essence. No definitive physical features except for my Jay; I can see his smile - I know it's him.  He is without the trappings of his broken hip and leg; without the emotional hurt. No longer broken but at peace.

So I wonder -  does my dream and my meditation hold a message for me. .  I am "Forever Jay's Mom" and he will always be part of my essence (soul).

Heart Rock Found Today At The Beach



I Need A Sign....

Been feeling sad the last couple days - can't seem to shake  the grief no matter what I do.  I went to the cemetery as I always do after Church.  Cried my tears and talked to my Jay.  Told him that I needed a sign today...I needed to know he was near.  Having not done a very good job of nourishing my physical body lately, I decided after leaving the cemetery that homemade soup was the comfort I needed.  I took a side road to an I.G.A. Store that I frequent quite often.  For me as a grieving parent, I prefer this small store over the larger ones.  Simple choices for a taxed mind and I can usually enter and depart without making contact with people I know.  Not that I am antisocial; it is just that it makes me sad to see the sorrow in their faces. Anyways I am driving on this side road and stop at a light.  Something compels me to look out my passenger side window.  There on the banister of an old house is a carved pumpkin, albeit it is not unusual for this time of year.  But, still a trigger for me - Jay was born on Halloween.  Today though it is not a trigger, a smile is brought to my face.  For the carved pumpkin simply says:  JAY.  Love you my son; you took care of me when you were physically here and you watch over me in spirit.



Update: This morning when I wrote this entry; the song "Calling All Angels" kept playing in my head.  I was going to include it on this page but didn't.  Instead, I decided to drive back to the old house and take a picture of  "Jay's" pumpkin to post with this entry.  On the way home I once again stopped at the I.G.A. Supermarket. While in the aisle, a song came over the speaker - yup you guessed right - the song "Calling All Angels".  I or someone else is meant to hear this song today so here you go!  God Bless all Grieving Parents today.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcdoHn-FV_s&feature=related.