Sometimes you just have to cry....

Sometimes it helps to just spend an entire day crying. Child loss has so many layers of grief, that it's impossible to explain the pain. Tears don't take away the pain, but they do help "get out" some of the pain.


Yes, I did cry very much the last couple days.  Planting flowers at Jay's grave site, seeing my youngest sons' anguish in his face as he spoke of his big brother and the biggest hurt of all;  Jay's remote control truck being run for the first time since his death.  All triggers.....today is a better day and I am going to work in my garden.  I honor my son by not dwelling on the fact he died but instead on the joy that he lived......

Memorial Day: Jay sends help....

Today was another first for me since Jay left us.  Every Memorial Day since my father's passing, I have cleaned up his plot, planted flowers and put up an American Flag.  Today was different  though,  for the first time I needed to do my son's resting place also..  I have procrastinated all week; finding excuses, knowing this was going to be a "TRIGGER" for me.  And it was!!!!  I washed away the dirt on his cemetery stone, planted flowers and pulled grass; all the while staring at his beautiful face etched in his stone.  In my head I kept screaming this is not fair; this is not right - I should not be planting flowers at my baby boy's grave site.  Cried and cried I did; I asked Jay to give me some sign of hope today - anything because I am knocked to my knees. When I went into my car; I noticed a had a message on my phone.  My best friend had called at the exact time I was begging Jay for a sign of hope.  Her message said "I was checking on you."  Jay has sent her to me so many times when I don't have the courage to do this grief journey.  She calms my heart and gives me hope to try again tomorrow. 

Treasured Moments

Today I really miss my Jay; feeling the ache.  Dealing with lawyers to settle his estate -  they make it sound like a business deal; this is my baby boy and they don't get it.  I came across this poem and it reminded me to focus on my Jay and the time we had together........

I treasure every moment
you spent in life with me.
I hoped to have you longer,
... but it's not meant to be.

You left this world so suddenly.
I think my heart went too.
I feel so lost and lonely,
and I cry from missing you.

I know you're in a better place.
I know you're happy there.
I know one day I'll join you,
but the wait is hard to bear.

My heart feels like it’s breaking
You were my life, my everything,
but now sweetheart, you've gone.

I pray that God will give me strength
until He calls me too.
Then what joy will fill my heart
when I'm again with you.

~ Ron Tranmer

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

I heard this song yesterday: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fahr069-fzE&feature=related
It reminded me of all the times I have seen rainbows since Jay's passing; it made me think of  him.  One time in particular stands out for me. It was this past March 25, 2012; it was the day I decided to turn my life over to God - the day I was baptized.  It was a step towards a new life; one not wrapped around the torment of grief.  I sat in my car and sobbed for this chance at a new beginning but most of all because I so missed Jay. The day was overcast and I said to my Jay "if you can feel how lost I am today without you; would you send me a rainbow".  Not only did he send me one...he then sent me another. He always let's me know he is near!  Always......

My Jay is always near me....miss him much today

LOOK FOR ME IN RAINBOWS

Time for me to go now, I won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.

In the morning sunrise when all the world is new,

... Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Time for me to leave you, I won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, high up in the sky.

In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,

Just look for me and love me, and I'll be close to you.

It won't be forever, the day will come and then

My loving arms will hold you, when we meet again.

Time for us to part now, we won't say goodbye,

Look for me in rainbows, shining in the sky.

Every waking moment, and all your whole life through

Just look for me and love me, as you know I loved you.

Just wish me to be near you,

And I'll be there with you.

Best Gift of All...

I won't lie and say this week hasn't been hard.  It has been an up and down week since Mother's Day.  At least it has been more up than down. When I felt sad, I remembered the best gift of all.   On Mother's Day my youngest son gave me beautiful flowers, a heartfelt card and cooked an amazing dinner.  Since Jay's passing; my son wouldn't talk about his brother - he never brought up his name - I didn't either.  But, Sunday he spoke of the last Mother's Day with his brother and the awful meal Jay had made.   He was saying "Jay's" name and in my son's eyes I saw peace while talking about his brother.  Not the deep sorrow I have been seeing.  My son gave me the best gift of all "HOPE".  We are healing my son and I; learning to live again without Jay being physically here though forever in our hearts.

Making room for grief after the Death of A Child....

I saw this statement in an article this morning "In order for us to successfully navigate grief we need to have both the time and space to deal with it."  The word that caught my eye was "SPACE".  Most of my adult life I have taken care of someone or something; I was a fixer - a "go to" person.  This past December I was so wrapped up in fixing family problems; I was suffocating.  It made the grief journey impossible to navigate; I was losing my footing - retreating more and more into myself.  I made a conscious decision to pull back from being the person who solves everyone's problem.  I made myself a priority!!!!!! Gave myself permission to be selfish and focus on me.  Grief is exhausting and tiring.  We need to honor ourselves in the process and strip away ALL unnecessary obligations in our lives....

Mother's Day is hard when your child is deceased...tap into the memories

Mother's day is fast approaching and with it an emptiness of knowing our child is gone.  Each year my two sons Brandon and Jason would cook a meal for me.  They did everything from setting the table to washing the dishes.  Mother's Day 2010 was the last one with my Jay; he made some concoction that looked like "fish scrambled eggs".  Brandon leaned over and said "Mom this is horrible".  I said "I know eat it anyway".  This memory will forever bring joy to my heart.

 Cards were never Jay's thing; especially a "mushy" one.  Mother's Day cards were always goofy; except for this one that he gave me May 2010.  It is a treasured last gift from my Jay.

"Perhaps strength doesn't reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."   Author Unknown

I would have said "I Love You"....



Thank you http://www.grieftoolbox.com/ for a beautiful picture and sentiment...The last time I saw Jay he was driving away on his motorcycle.  He had this silly smirk on his face; but I was too busy working in my gardens - I let him just drive away.  A thousand times I wish that I had walked over to him and hugged him one more time.  That I had told him as I had millions of times to be safe and that I loved him.  In my heart he knows I love him more than life.




To the Moon and Back For Always

 

If I die young....

I was told weeks ago by my Attorney who is settling Jay's estate that I must return the license plate for the motorcycle that ultimately caused the accident.  So license plate, death certificate and probate appointment in hand I went to the DMV and the Tax Assessors Office.  As I stood waiting for the clerk to complete the paperwork; I stared at the death certificate and fixated on Describe How Injury Occurred:  Answer - Struck Fixed Object.  Then and there I felt my chest tighten and the tears start to surface.  As always when I am struggling; Jay lets me know that he is with me.  The song "If I Die Young" started to play; a beautiful song that was sent to me after Jay's passing. These lyrics always make me think of him.

" Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aw8W6hYGZ0E&feature=related

Fear of losing another

"Each time we face a fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing." ~ Author Unknown

My youngest son rides a motorcycle just like the one that took Jay's life.  Every time I see him riding it - I feel like someone kicks me in the stomach.  I know that I can't control what happens in life or to my children.  So I keep the faith that he will be okay.  It would be easy to smother him and try to keep him safe.  But I also know that it would not be good for him or for me.  "I need to let go and let God"....

Do you have these same feelings with your other children?

Bereaved Mother's Day

Sunday May 6th is International Bereaved Mother's Day. This is for mothers all over the world with children in Heaven, who share love, hugs and tears in memory of the child they can no longer hold on earth.

I love you more than life - to the moon and back for always.

When I fall to my knees

There are days that my breath is shallow caused by the weight of losing Jay.  It knocks me to my knees; when it does - "I pray".  My faith in God keeps me strong and gives me the strength I need to travel this journey of grief.  I find peace in his words.  Where do you find your peace?


Psalm 34: 18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."  (NLT)

Don't Cry For Me

I have been spending time with people that were in Jay's life and realizing that they are moving on.  It does make me sad and I have cried tears worrying that Jay will be forgotten.   I get afraid myself at times that I will forget his laugh, his hugs, his smile; even how he smells.  Logically I know that I nor anyone else will forget Jay; it's my broken heart that plays games.  I know that life needs to go on for me and  everyone else.  That is how Jay would want it.  A little while later I came across this poem just to remind me that Jay is always with me.  Are you afraid that you too won't remember some things about your child?

DON’T CRY FOR ME

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the moon that beams

on lakes and mountains high.

                                                                  

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the sun that shines

... in a blue, blue sky.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the leaves that fall

in Autumn time.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the stars that shine

on a warm summer night.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am the wind that blows

with secrets untold.

Don't cry for me when I die

For I am lapping water as you bathe

on sandy beaches,

Don't cry for me when I die

for I will always be by your side.

Signs of Hope

Last couple days I have been fighting the great sadness.  The death of a child has no time table as we all know.  There are so many triggers that knock me to my knees.  Sunday I attended a memorial service at the funeral home where my Jay had been.  Since then I've been fighting this choking feeling in my chest.  I have learned that when the sadness is too big; I need to move and do something.  So I went into my gardens and worked; all along saying to myself what is the purpose in doing this.  Stinken thinking!!!!!!!  I once loved working in the gardens it brought me peace.  Now I seem to do it to stay busy.    When my heart is the heaviest is when I get "Signs of Hope".  Little snippets that remind me that just because I can't physically see Jay doesn't mean that he is not near.  Today out of the corner of my eye; I saw the hawk as he glided through the trees in town and then I saw a camper that had "Jay's Flight" written on it's side.  Coincidence I think not.......    http://www.reference.com/motif/science/symbolism-of-hawk

Eventhough my son is not physically here.. I know that he is always with me by the little signs he sends me. I will see him again in heaven.  This is a beautiful song that reminds me to never give up.!!!!

http://youtu.be/oDJS-TfrIs4

The Day My World Changed..

I want to be able to share my journey and give you hope that we can learn to live again.  Today is my first entry so my message is a little long.  Who am I?  Once I could have gone on with a litany of responses.  Today, I am Forever “Jay’s” Mom; a bereaved parent who lost her oldest son Jason “Jay” Elliott on July 9^th, 2010 to a motorcycle accident – less than a quarter mile from home. Why am I writing this article; so that another bereaved parent will know that he or she are not insane and that the emotions they are feeling are so very REAL.  After Jason’s passing someone said to me “it will be easier someday – the pain will never go away – but you will heal.” I thought to myself NEVER….but I was wrong!

In a heartbeat (Jay’s that is) my whole world changed. Today I can’t make a decision without soliciting the advice of others; my bills are late, and I walk in a fog wondering what I was going to do.  The smallest of obstacles send me into a tailspin; I have so little coping skills.

The first year without Jay is just a blur.  I remember so very little – thank God the brain goes into shutdown for I believe I would have gone mad   Grief became like breathing, I couldn’t rise or go to sleep without the pressing feel of it against my heart, the weight of it like a suitcase I didn’t know how to unpack. An invisible virus that gnawed at me from the inside but somehow managed to leave the rest of me unscathed.  I stumbled through my days like a drunken woman. This second year has been my year of awakening; especially these last four months.  Everyone is going on with their lives and inside my head I am screaming don’t forget about Jay.  The realization that Jason is not coming home paralyzes me; all I can do is shake my head and say “Really”.  I shut out the world at times and  I go into a state of “turtling”; keeping to myself- letting very few family and friends into my tight little circle.   But and this is a really big BUT, we NEED our family/friends - this journey cannot be walked alone.  Let us not forget they are suffering and feeling the loss also; not only for our child but also for the individual we once were.  There are days that my world does feel UPSIDEDOWN.     Yes, I still have dark days but it is NO LONGER every day.  My love for my youngest son Brandon makes me want to be a “better person”; to heal, laugh and show him that he is just as important as Jay.  I have picked up my camera again and begun to take pictures of life not with eyes of darkness but with eyes of hope.  My flower boxes are planted with the smiling faces of pansies.  In February, I spent two weeks in Florida; enjoying the sunshine and laughing at the dolphins as they raced alongside the boat.  I am learning to live again and when I have a bad day; I give myself a break and say “I will try again tomorrow’.  

As of late I have been feeling that I am at a CROSSROAD; an unsettling feeling.  I can choose to unpack my bags at the detour sign and dig a trench for the long haul, or I can make my own detour.   I could take the road back to where I have been for the last year and ½ being stuck or I could take the road to the left or right to a different destination a safe harbor one I already know.  Lastly there is the road straight ahead; a new beginning - maybe it’s time to move to a different house, maybe it’s time to move to another state and find my purpose – unchartered waters.  Some people just keep going, too scared to veer off the familiar path.  But others, well, they step off into the unknown, and find that maybe that was where they were supposed to be all along.  All I know is that I need to continue putting my life in gear and keep moving.  So what propels me forward on this journey; First a need to be healthy and present for my son Brandon; my rock who I love more than life, secondly my faith in God, and last but not least my promise and final gift to my son Jason -  that I will live my life; “whole heartedly”.