When You Take A Step Backwards

Jay’s last entry on his Facebook status simply said:

“Everyday seems to be a little easier than the last.  I just can’t wait till the day when I can just enjoy today”.

 When I saw this message yesterday I thought to myself it was as if Jay had written this for me also.  Being back in Connecticut for the last 10 days after spending three months away has been such an emotional roller-coaster for me.  I have lost my sure footing! Triggers triggers triggers they are everywhere in Windham.  Being away allowed me to heal; there wasn’t the constant reminder that my Jay is really gone.  The downstairs where Jay stayed is empty and void of his presence.  It echoes with emptiness; no familiar sounds, no laughter, no familiar smells – just quiet. The telephone pole that took him away from us looms ominously a 1/8 of a mile from my driveway.  Visiting the cemetery after so many months and seeing his handsome face on a stone of granite; just felt so unreal.   Last Sunday, as I hugged his stone feeling the cold against my cheek; all I wished for was one more Jay hug.  In true Jay fashion I get my wish!  Stopping at a local IGA to pick up a few things – Jay’s best friend Jared is there and his is wearing Jay’s Memorial shirt.  He gives me one of Jay’s bear hugs.  Jay sent me Jared when he couldn't be there himself.  Monday I was still struggling; as I sat in the dentist office a dental technician came in; on her neck was tattooed the most beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly.  My best friend said it so eloquently “Jay always sends you strength”.  That he does and I am trying harder today.

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 Excerpt from by Hope For The Broken Hearted: Everyone does grieve differently, but most people will share this same experience... you will be going along, thinking that you are doing well and then a song, a smell or something unexpected will pop up, and it will hit you hard... you will feel so overcome with grief, that it feels like you are back to square one with your pain. If you are aware that it can happen...and more importantly, that it's normal and that others experience the same thing, it won't throw you for such a loop... you will realize you're not back at square one, you've only taken a step backward and you will not remain stuck there... you will soon be able to continue where you left off in your healing journey.