To the Parents of the Sandy Hook Children

"Hope Is The Only Thing Stronger

Than Fear"

God Bless the parents; for their grief - for their sorrow - for their empty arms.  I understand the loss of a child and my heart grieves with you.

A Christmas Present

This will be my third Christmas without my sweet boy.   The great sadness still tugs at my heart when I hear a Christmas Song or when reality rears its ugly head knowing there will be an empty chair at the family dinner table.   The memories flood my mind of Christmases past; some make me smile and some make me cry. But this year is different; I don't feel the great sadness 24/7.

I know with certainty that my Jay hears me when I cry and he can feel my sorrow.  Soul to soul; a Mother and child are forever connected.  So this year, I decided that I would give my Jay a special gift for Christmas; the gift of life.  I was going to be part of the Christmas season and not just a bystander wishing it all to go away. I put up a Christmas tree and hung Jason's stocking.  Each day I have placed a message of hope in his stocking; a message of gratitude.  Every invitation that has been extended to me, I accepted even if I didn't feel like going; parties, plays, concerts, dinners and volunteering at church.  I even baked cookies!

I want Jay to have a peaceful soul; one not burdened by my sadness.  There isn't a day that I don't miss him or feel the ache in my heart.  Life is so different since Jay left us; but I am learning to live wholeheartedly and adjust to life with this hole in my heart.  Merry Christmas my son - I love you to the moon and back.

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
It's Christmas time and I'll miss you
You'll never know how much
The greatest thing I could get...

Would be just to feel your hug.
I know you're safe in Heaven
And you're as happy as can be
And I know that I'm being wishful
To want you here with me.
Have a lovely Christmas
I'll get by, you'll see
Just promise me on Christmas day
That you will think of me.

 Heard this song last week at a Christmas Concert and it made me cry; so beautiful  - Christmas in Heaven http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFmArzsGyEI

Angel On My Tree

My most precious Christmas Angel.  To all grieving parents God Bless You and take comfort in knowing you will see your baby again someday.  I saw this statement the other day; what happens when you take the "U" out of the word mourning?   Please listen to the song!

DAWN BEFORE THE MORNING - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8

Coincidence - Think Not....

Jay loved tying knots in my shoes; forever the joker.  I would go to put on a pair of boots and the laces would be tied together in knots.  Every night before bed I remove this necklace.  The prayer box contains my son's ashes and the angel wings bear his birthstone.  How surprised I was in the morning to find a perfect knot in my necklace.

This picture of the Tasmanian Devil is one of Jay's Christmas Ornaments.  In his younger years his nickname was "Taz".  I had just finished taking this picture when a documentary came on the television about a duck that had been rescued. The commentator says to the keeper what are you going to name her; and you guessed it - he named the duck "TAZ".

COINCIDENCES - THINK NOT!!!!

Voice of Truth

There is no greater fear or sadness then not knowing where your child is!  Each night I have prayed for comfort and assurance that Jay is okay.  I have been tormented that Jay may not be at peace or happy.  On December 5th, on my knees I cried hysterically and prayed for help.  I told the Lord I could not find the courage to move on and do his work without being at peace knowing Jay had found joy in heaven.  I was brought up in a religion that taught me that there was no salvation for sinners.  The Church preached to us from a very young age that if you sin "you go to hell" - end of story.  That thought which was so  impeded in my brain has many times affected my thinking when it comes to God.

When Jay was a little boy he was taught about prayers, God and attended church.  But from the time he was eleven and moved away - religion was no longer a part of his life.  That is until a special lady named Alana walked into his life with two small children (Linnea and James) who had God in their hearts.  In the months before Jay's passing, they would hold hands as a family and say grace at the table and Jay would always say Amen.  Jay would always come into the bedroom and say prayers with Linnea and James.  The kids and Alana loved Christian music and "Mr. Hard Rock Jay" would listen patiently in the car and in the house.  He was a BELIEVER!!! There are such falsehoods in the different religions - we are all sinners.  We do make mistakes but because of Jesus we continue to be forgiven.

The next day, I went to the cemetery to decorate for Christmas.  In  front of Jay's memorial stone placed purposely in a deep plant hole was a pamphlet titled "What is God Like?"  I looked around to see if any of the other stones had this pamphlet and they did not.  The words spoke volumes of the mercy of God for us sinners.  "No matter what sin you have committed, no matter how dirty, shameful or terrible it may be, God loves you. God's love provided a plan for redemption and salvation for sinful humans, God's love provided the cross of Jesus Christ by which we have forgiveness and cleansing.  The words that stood out the most were the following; for my Jay was a believer!

"God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16)

Last March I had this vision:
An Angel is standing with his back to me; all I can see is its white wings.  This angel is blocking something.  The Angel slowly turns and steps aside.  Then I see  Jay's beautiful smile and his body a blur of mist.  But the best part was Jay giving me that quick little wave that only Jay could do.

 My heart is calmed and I know that Jay is in a beautiful peaceful place. Someday soon I will
 see my sweet baby boy again....

 

Voice of Truth....beautiful song from Alana
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaVg0cWkgAw

Remembering a Child Gone Too Soon....

Love doesn’t end with death. Families that have had a child die understand that.  Held annually the second Sunday in December, the Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends who light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died too soon.   As candles burn down in one time zone, they are then lit in the next, creating a virtual 24-hour wave of light as the observance continues around the world.

                                       

"Lights of Love"                                           

                

Can you see our candles
Burning in the night?
Lights of love we send you
Rays of purest light.
...

Children we remember,
Though missing from our sight.
In honor and remembrance
We light our candles in the night.

All across the big blue marble,
Spinning out in space,
Can you see our candles burning,
From this human place?

Oh, angels gone before us,
Who taught us perfect love,
This night the world lights candles
So you may see them from
above.

Tonight the globe is lit by love,
Of those who know great sorrow.
But as we remember our
yesterdays
Let's light one candle for
tomorrow.

We will not forget,
And every year in deep December,
On Earth we light our candles
As........................we remember.

~unknown~

Gifts of The Sea

In my feeble brain, I truly believed that the Holidays would be easier this year.  Shoot it's the third season without my Jay, shouldn't I be prepared for the barrage of nostalgic emotions and memories that will flood my heart.  Nope Nope Nope!!!!!!!

After Church on Sunday I walked into the house; I felt the emptiness - the quiet was deafening.  There is such a big void in the house without Jay's physical being.  I stand in the middle of his room picturing him as I remembered him; sprawled out on his king size bed, watching TV, giving me one of mischievous grins.  My heart hurts; I am lonely -  keep moving keep moving I tell myself.

As I have done so many times before I head for the sea.  In many of my posts I have mentioned my passion for collecting sea glass over the past twenty years.  It wasn't until a couple years ago, that something special started to happen.  The one color of sea glass that always eluded me was the color red; chances of finding red is one in every 5,000.   On 7/24/11, my birthday - one year after Jay had passed I was looking for sea glass.  I was talking to Jay as I looked for glass - I told him that if I found red glass (which I never have) I would know that he was there with me.  Immediately, I found a red piece and then another.  Since Jay's passing I have found six pieces of red sea glass.  The times that I have found them are when my heart is at its heaviest. Initially I found no red sea glass and proceeded to get into my car to come home.  I will admit I was sad at not finding red glass.  Driving away I was moved to stop at a small secluded spot that is only accessible at low tide. As I jumped from the seawall unto the beach, I looked down to see where I was landing - there at my feet is this large piece of red sea glass you see here.   Coincidence? 

 Every time we receive what some call a coincidence or an answered prayer, it's a direct and personal message of reassurance from God to you - what would be called a "godwink". (When God Winks at you by Squire Rushnell)

The other gift that I continue to receive since Jay's passing; are rocks in the shape of a heart.  True treasures and subtle reminders that I live inside my Jay's heart.

  

Reflection:  Matthew 5:4 NLT
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

The Way

If you get a chance watch this movie called "The Way". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5VZKWcgw6c

This father finishes his deceased son's pilgrimage.  So many many messages about life and the love of a parent.

Two messages that I heard:;

• "You don't chose a life Dad - you LIVE one"
• "How old was your baby - he wasn't a baby he was almost 40 - (rebuttal) he will always be your baby" -

My Jay will always be my baby.  Miss him more than life today.

Song 'Live Like You Were Dying' - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxDkWBvxHEI

Walking In Hope

Today my sister and I donned our winter gear and trudged up Main Street for our walk.   Last Tuesday we experienced another snowfall with temperatures that dipped into the 20s. I posted a picture of this little pansy a week ago on 11/20/12 on my "Fear and Hope" entry.  As I walked along with my sister; I was anxious to see if this little glimmer of hope was still alive; sure enough it was.  My sister was so taken back by the site of this little flower blooming in the middle of winter that she insisted I take this picture. In her excitement she had me forward the picture to an individual with the words "Hope for the Hopeless." She was amazed by the tenacity of this little flower to live even when odds were against it.   HOPE she felt it and so did I for a second time in a week.  I am still smiling when I look at this snippet of life.

Grief, Sorrow, Heartache; all emotions that can cloud our vision to see the beauty all around us.  Someone very close to my heart struggles with a terrible hurt.  It troubles me to see how fear has taken away her joy for life.  I remind her over and over - don't ever give up HOPE.....

 Hope is the salve and holistic remedy to propel us forward to live again wholeheartedly and not just exist going through the motions.

We must never give up hope; be it hope for the healing of an illness, hope for a  better earth, hope for the return of a love one, hope for a failed marriage or my hope to see my Jay again someday.

Reflection: Psalm 130-5

"I wait for The Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Thanksgiving

AND FOR THIS I GIVE THANKS.....................



My Youngest Son - Brandon - my life and my rock



This will be the third holiday season without my son here in the physical sense.  On that first Thanksgiving the empty chair and place at the table seemed to scream out at me that someone precious was missing. And the message of this particular holiday was thankfulness? What on earth could I ever find to be thankful for?  In all honesty, I cannot tell you even one detail of that first one: where I spent it, who was present, where I was, or if I cried all day.  I am sure the numbness factor of early grief shielded me from the memory of something that was so inconceivable...that my precious son was gone...forever.

Three Thanksgiving's later,  I have found reasons to be thankful:

1. For my youngest son Brandon.  He gives me purpose to continue living.  His excitement over the  simple things in life; hayrides, camping, hanging Christmas Lights etc. fills my heart with Joy.  Brandon's love heals my pain and drives me harder to go on.
2. For my faith in God which has given me the courage to get up each day and live life instead of wanting to just give up.  Prayer and the word of the Gospel gives me Hope and brings peace into my heart.  There is a purpose in this life for me and I know that it will unfold when the time is right.
3. My memory, because now the painful memories are, more often than not, replaced with the beautiful  memories of the past.
4. My life, for whom else will keep Jason's memory alive? Of course, my family, but they have lives, as they should. I am the self-appointed keeper of my son's memory.
5. Smiling a genuine smile, laughing a hardy laugh, and finding my sense of humor again. I sincerely believe that Jay likes to hear me laugh and that he would want me to find humor in life again.
6. For my dear friends and family who have patiently waited as I wander this journey called grief. For  allowing me to grieve on my own terms and in my own time.

God Bless The Parents Who Have An Angel In Heaven

Reflection:

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world"

Fear and Hope

Two o'clock in the afternoon I am staring at myself in the bathroom mirror; hair disheveled still dressed in my bright red pajamas.  It has been a tough three weeks commencing with Jay's birthday and culminating with the Holidays fast approaching.  There has been so many family issues; all way to  personal to discuss here.  Nonetheless a catalyst for my lack of energy and  lest not forget I am in mourning for my son.  Determined to do different; I dressed to face the elements outside.  I was going to take a walk even if it was only 41 degrees.  Looking like a giant brown walrus up Main Street I went.  As I rounded the corner a glimpse of color caught my eye.  Mid-November and this beautiful yellow pansy was raising its petals to the heat of the sun.  This one little plant had survived the deluge of rain and wind brought on by Hurricane Sandy.  Then a week later it was covered and survived the first snow storm of the year.  This was my aha moment; Hope that's what this little snippet of nature was showing me.  Through all the trials and obstacles - nature NEVER gives up hope.  It prevails - renews itself and keeps moving forward.  I will never give up Hoping.......

"Hope Is The Only Thing Stronger

Than Fear"

Refection:

1 Corinthians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

A Single Mom

I was reading an article by Deepak Chopra and statements that he made so resonated with the loss of my Jay.  He said to a grieving mother "You were living through your son, AS OFTEN HAPPENS WITH SINGLE MOMS.  He became part of you, and when he died, part of your identity went with him. With the sudden separation of accidental death, you were wrenched apart, all the feelings you have now are the result of not being able to assemble a whole person out of the fragments left behind."  He is so right since Jason's death I am awkward with life.   An amputee whose limitation are not visible to another person...for the missing part is my heart.



As a Single Mom we were "the Power of Three"



Excerpt "The Invitation" - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children."

Reflection
"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you."  Joshua 1:5 " -be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

Left Behind

Message from my best friend who also lost her older brother:
 "My best friend lost her oldest son 2 years and 4 months ago. In addition to his grieving parents, he left behind his younger brother.  I cannot begin to imagine the enormous loss that grieving parents suffer, but I have felt the enormous loss that a sibling suffers.  The remaining children witness their parents pain, see the emptiness in their eyes and don't want to burden them with how they are feeling, so many siblings grieve in silence." 

Jason's birthday was last week on October 31, 2012.  The picture you see below was sent to me by a friend of my youngest son as he sat with his Jay-Jay on his birthday.  This image speaks volumes of the hurt and heartache in my son's heart; of a brother left behind.  My son always acts so strong and so together around me.  I know he thinks I hurt enough without having to watch him grieve; he goes to incredible lengths to hide his pain from me.   As a parent I could fix just about anything whether it was a broken toy, a difficult homework problem or a wound. This is the  first time I can’t solve the problem and make it better for my son.  As a Mom it is so hard and breaks my heart; I can't fix this one.......

When a child has died, siblings are often referred to as “the forgotten mourners.” While parents usually receive most of the support of relatives and friends, siblings generally receive little—often being asked “How are your parents doing?”

When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place. 

 When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future.

REFLECTION - Psalm 9:9

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Gifts From A Friend

To my best friend Robyn; without you I could NEVER have survived this journey. Publicly I want to thank you for always being by my side. I saw this passage and thought immediately of you.  Love you to the Moon and Back......

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Tears of An Angel

  

My former Mother-in-law died on Monday October 29th.  We are all sad over her departure.  My youngest says to me "I asked Jay to go meet Grandma."  Aw he just touched my heart!! I say to him I think Uncle Teddy (my brother-in-law who was 48 when he passed) was there to meet Jay.  No Mom; he says with surety "it was Pep (my father)"  I know because I have dreamt it so many times.  In my dream Pep is giving Jay a hard time and says to him "Why do you make your Mother cry."  Crazy....

I have three Angels in heaven; My Father, Teddy and Jay.  I miss them all.

Beautiful Song - Tears of An Angel - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg4zxY1vF1w&feature=related

An Angel whispered take my hand and come with me ... you're work here is done.

I went away to a place where there's no tears, nor sorrow only laughter and smiles, there will always be a tomorrow.

As I move amongst the clouds. I'll look down and smile upon you, while the angels sing a heavenly song.

I am not alone all who went before are here they awaited my return.

I know you'll grieve  and wish I was still here - I am here in the memories you hold dear.

Remember how much I love you and know I took your love with me.

I did not wish for you to cry, nor feel sad - My pain is gone and I am Free!

Soon you'll come to me - until then - God will be with you Just as He's with me.

~ Diana Blokzyl

Happy Birthday My Son

Jason Edward Elliott  born 10/31/1977 at 9:08am in Amory Mississippi; weighing 6 lbs. 11 ozs./ 22 1/2 inches long. 

I was twenty-three years old the day Jason was born.  We were broke; neither of us had jobs and no medical insurance.  The moment I held my baby boy; I felt rich beyond belief.  I was blessed with a beautiful blue eyed boy with peach fuzz hair. 

So I celebrate my son's birthday not with cake, balloons, presents and cards.  This marks the third birthday that I will not physically hug my son.  Instead, there is a pumpkin at the cemetery that states "Happy Birthday My Son - Love You To The Moon and Back for ALWAYS".  Instead of singing Happy Birthday with made up lyrics into his cell phone or in person to make him laugh; I stood at the cemetery at 9:08am and sang my song to the wind.  Together my youngest and I rode his motorcycle on 7/9/12 (the anniversary date Jay left us) to honor him.  We will ride again on 10/31/12 .  My son loved riding his motorcycle and the freedom it gave him.  So today, as we ride I will send some of his ashes to the wind and he will ride with us again. 

Today is a hard day and I won't pretend I am so strong.  Because I am not - my heart hurts and I miss my son beyond words. I would trade 10 years of my life for one hug, one smile or to hear his goofy laugh. So for now I will say "I will try again tomorrow."  God Bless All Grieving Parents.

A song for my son -  "Slipped Away" by Avril Lavigne - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-fz3m20WjQ&feature=youtu.be

Reflection

Psalm 55:17  - "Morning, noon, and night I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice."

Take Me Home

Excerpt from my Memory Book of Jay

I, as well as thousands of other individuals went to the supermarket to prepare for Hurricane Sandy.  In the midst of shopping, over the PA; a song so dear to my heart began to play.  When I heard "Take Me Home Country Road".....tears welled in my eyes.  I could picture my little blond haired blued eyed baby boy singing this song in his little voice; so sweet.  The emotions that rushed into my heart were so big and the tears so close to exploding that for a moment I thought I was going to have to abandon my groceries and run out of the store.  But I didn't!  I  hid in the card aisle until the song finished.

Triggers; yes they can have negative effects but oh the positive effect they have on us.  They remind me of a beautiful memory that could otherwise be buried in my mind . As grieving parents oh to be blessed with the memories .   Miss you my son......God Bless all grieving parents.

Country Road -  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MWzeInQaUk4

Reflection

Psalm 55:22 (Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you.  He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.)

Sea Glass

Today I once again went to the sea for quiet reflection and to find peace.  It was a warm sunny day and I was able to put the top down on the car.  It was freeing to feel the wind and the warmth of the sun.  There are always subtle or in this instance blatant signs from my Jay.  As I came off the exit, an orange sign caught my eye.  It was a large truck with a crane on it.  Simply written on the crane in bold massive letters 

"ELLIOTT".

There is a hurricane coming but I see no sign of Sandy approaching all is calm and quiet at the shore.  It is ironic that last year on Jason's birthday we had the freak snow storm that left the state stranded.  Now we have an unseasonal hurricane that will arrive just in time for Jay's birthday.

It is low tide and I spend time looking for those rare gems called sea glass that I am always on a quest to find.  Beautiful pieces I did find; aqua blue, teal, greens and cornflower blue.  Once these gems from the sea were part of a whole. Now they are cracked and broken, but time has softened their edges, each becoming new on their own. 

I am like that piece of sea glass.  When Jason left us; I no longer was whole. I was broken fragmented pieces of what I once was.  The shards of a grieving mom - I  knew only pain and sorrow. But like my pieces of sea glass; the edges of  my grief  and sorrow have softened.  I have evolved through the many passages of this grief journey and I am healing.   I too am becoming new;  they call this time in a grieving parent's life the "New Normal".  Not saying that everyday is a good day; but I am saying that everyday is not a bad day.  God Bless All Grieving Parents.

Triggers

Yesterday my best friend and I went to the cemetery.  One week from tomorrow will be my Jay's birthday on Halloween.  We planted mums and left pumpkins.  While this is hard on me; I know this is hard for her too.  She loves my boys as her own.  She stops shoveling and stares off and says  "this doesn't feel real - we shouldn't be doing this."  She is right it feels so unfair; I am taking care of my son's gravesite.   It should be the other way around; children are not supposed to predecease their parents. TRIGGERS!!!

Triggers are like sucker punches to the stomach.  A reminder either gentle or blatant that our child is no longer here.  For me it takes on so many forms; the accident site, his beautiful smile on his gravestone,  his favorite music, cheese balls, peanut butter and graham crackers or the smell of the body wash he used etc etc.  This week it is his birthday. In addition, all the Halloween decorations and fanfare don't make it any easier for me to push it aside.

 We in grief want to believe that once we move beyond a certain point in our journey or after we have practiced many steps of acceptance, that the “new normal” (life) that we all hear about (in early grief) will change us so that we will no longer be as effected by those triggers as we were in our early grief.  But I recognized that I am still human, still a parent and I still am affected by my triggers. And I know these feelings can and will be with us forever. These trigger situations will continue to occur even when we think we are prepared and are practicing our "new normal" life. So I pray that I have the courage to get through those times when these triggers make my journey of grief even harder . God Bless All Grieving Parents.

Excerpt from my Memory Book; Jason's Birthday 10/31/1984

I Know Who Holds My Hand

Grief and loneliness will test me and knock me down.  It will at times challenge my belief in God.  So I pray!!!!

Prayer and quiet reflection is a large part of my life today.  Friends that know me understand when I say I  need to go to the sea.  They know that on a small patch of rock, I will sit and say my prayers.  A place where I leave my burdens.  But, at times prayer is not easy for me.  The words won't come - my mind a jigsaw puzzle.  All that is audible are groans of a broken mom and tears of an inconsolable heart.  I get discouraged; chastising myself for the lack of attention to prayer figuring God is not hearing me. 

On Sunday Pastor read Romans 8 Verse 26: "At the same time the Spirit also helps us in our weakness, because we don't know how to pray for what we need. But the Spirit intercedes along with our groans that cannot be expressed in words."

When I am broken and even when I can't pray - I am still being heard.  Pastor says that "we need to clasp God's hand and let him pull us through it".  My faith in God gives me Hope; as grieving parents that is all we have "HOPE".

God Bless all grieving parents...

"I Know Who Holds My Hand written by Ira Stanphill in 1950.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2n3iLXHzX9k

I am not the same...

"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me."
— Robert Browning

This week I ran into an old acquaintance that I worked with during my banking days. This individual  remembers me as an outspoken energetic (hyper) individual with a can do attitude.  He asked me what I was doing with myself and I told him that I took early retirement.  Kidding he laughed at me and indicated that I must be going crazy staying home.  Just the opposite I told him; after losing my son two years ago I look at life differently.  I am no longer that person I once was.

 Grief  changes a person. If you expect to go back to being the same person you were before your loss, you will be disappointed. That person is gone. It might be tempting to look at all the 'bad' ways you've changed (being fearful, sad, diminished, tired). I invite you to look at all the "good" ways you've changed -- and are becoming -- wiser, stronger, more compassionate and more understanding.  My family and friends; helping another is what matters to me.  I am learning to accept the new me.

My Mom Is A Survivor

 

Today I went into Walmart to buy some coffee.  While in the aisle I realized that I was humming to a song.   No coincidence that out of the millions of songs available; "Calling All Angels" was playing.  Third time in a week this song has played for me.  Needless to say - I left Walmart smiling ear to ear.  Jay's signs/messages calm my soul and infuse new energy into my being.  Knowing that he is near makes me strive to live my life whole heartedly and not just exist; going through the motions.  I am a Survivor and not a victim. Today I was told by someone who is struggling that after talking with me she always has Hope.  It made me feel good inside my heart for I do have a purpose.  I also have HOPE......

My Mom is a Survivor

Kaye Des'Ormeaux

My mom is a survivor,

Or so I have heard it said.

But I can hear her crying

When all others are in bed.

I watch her lay awake at night

And go to hold her hand.

She doesn’t know I’m with her

To help her understand.

But like the sands upon the beach

That never wash away...

I watch over my surviving mom,

Who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...

A smile of disguise.

But through heaven’s open door

I see tears flowing from her eyes

My mom tries to cope with my death

To keep my memory alive.

But to anyone who knows her

Knows it’s her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom

Through heaven’s open door...

I try to tell her

Angels protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn’t help her...

Or ease the burden she bears.

So if you get a chance, talk to her...

And show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...

No matter what she feels.

My surviving mom has a broken heart

That time won’t ever heal.



 "Once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over..."

Message

I am a little more energized today.  I awoke early and headed out the door by 8:15am.  It is still low tide at the shore; so off I go to find precious jewels called sea glass.  The ocean has always been my escape; I let the rhythm of the ocean cradle me and bring me to a state of simply being.

 Last night, I dreamt of Jay  - the only part I remember was him being trapped on a rock ledge.  But I didn't wake up sad - I am actually at peace so the dream must have turned out all right. 

Once at the beach, I go to my quiet place to meditate. Behind closed eyes, I am in a beautiful garden with many rainbows.  There are a million beings; but all I can see is their essence. No definitive physical features except for my Jay; I can see his smile - I know it's him.  He is without the trappings of his broken hip and leg; without the emotional hurt. No longer broken but at peace.

So I wonder -  does my dream and my meditation hold a message for me. .  I am "Forever Jay's Mom" and he will always be part of my essence (soul).

Heart Rock Found Today At The Beach



I Need A Sign....

Been feeling sad the last couple days - can't seem to shake  the grief no matter what I do.  I went to the cemetery as I always do after Church.  Cried my tears and talked to my Jay.  Told him that I needed a sign today...I needed to know he was near.  Having not done a very good job of nourishing my physical body lately, I decided after leaving the cemetery that homemade soup was the comfort I needed.  I took a side road to an I.G.A. Store that I frequent quite often.  For me as a grieving parent, I prefer this small store over the larger ones.  Simple choices for a taxed mind and I can usually enter and depart without making contact with people I know.  Not that I am antisocial; it is just that it makes me sad to see the sorrow in their faces. Anyways I am driving on this side road and stop at a light.  Something compels me to look out my passenger side window.  There on the banister of an old house is a carved pumpkin, albeit it is not unusual for this time of year.  But, still a trigger for me - Jay was born on Halloween.  Today though it is not a trigger, a smile is brought to my face.  For the carved pumpkin simply says:  JAY.  Love you my son; you took care of me when you were physically here and you watch over me in spirit.



Update: This morning when I wrote this entry; the song "Calling All Angels" kept playing in my head.  I was going to include it on this page but didn't.  Instead, I decided to drive back to the old house and take a picture of  "Jay's" pumpkin to post with this entry.  On the way home I once again stopped at the I.G.A. Supermarket. While in the aisle, a song came over the speaker - yup you guessed right - the song "Calling All Angels".  I or someone else is meant to hear this song today so here you go!  God Bless all Grieving Parents today.   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcdoHn-FV_s&feature=related.

Change of Seasons

I subscribe to this site called Silent Grief - Child Loss Support. The following analogy that they make was such an awakening.  Now I understand why I am so dreading the coming of fall/winter. 

"To parents of child loss, many times the changing of the seasons from summer to fall and impending winter is a difficult time -- especially to those who live in areas that become cold and barren during the wintertime. There is an added feeling of "loss" that others just don't get. Sunshine and growing grass and blooming flowers give us a sense of hope; dying grass and falling leaves and the stark, cold winter often leave our hearts feeling so empty and alone. Even the changing of the seasons can be a "trigger" for those who have lost a child!"

To All Grieving Parents - God Bless You

Freak Snowstorm on October 29, 2011 the day after my Jay's Memorial Service

Just For Today.

Today was one of those days; I lingered in bed much longer than I should have.  Pulling the covers over my head to block out the sun and the insistent meowing of Luna.  Don't know why the sadness was biting at my heels this morning; but she was - "grief" was here to visit.  Yes I cried this morning and yes my heart was aching.  But by 11am, I was determined that I was going to get moving.  Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more; I read this statement from the following poem this morning. So push myself I did - I vacuumed, cleaned bathrooms and dusted.  When the grief still hung on to my shirt tail, I put on my IPOD  and headed for a long walk.  As I walked I cried and prayed to God for courage.  Courage to live my life wholeheartedly and not just go through the motions.  One of the songs that played on my IPOD was "the Hurt and the Healer" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0  "I am alive though a part of me has died".  This song is for every parent that has an Angel in Heaven - God Bless You

Excerpt from "Just For Today" by Vicki Tushingham

Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours and not expect to get over my child's death, but instead learn to live with it, just one day at a time.

Just for today I will smile no matter how much I hurt on the inside, for maybe if I smile a little, my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.

Just for today when my heart feels like breaking, I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving and the only reason I hurt is because I had the privilege of loving so much

Just for today I will allow myself to be happy, for I know that I am not deserting him by living on.

Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did, my life did go on, and I am the only one who can make that life worthwhile once more.     ~ Vicki Tushingham

Say his name.....

Today I just want someone to remember my Jay and to say his name.....I miss him so much

HIS NAME SINGS MY SOUL
The mention of my child's name
May bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring

Music to my ears.
If you are really my friend,
Let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart
And sings to my soul.
~ Author Unknown

In Loving Memory of Jay Jay

Although we are rarely aware of Angels, I believe there are Angels all around us every day of our lives. They appear as creatures, events and humans. One such Angel in my life is named Morgan, a sixteen year old with the heart of a wise soul. More than anyone, she has touched me with her words and love for Jay. Today she applied salve to my grieving heart with this beautiful "Youtube" video. Thank you my sweet. Love you to the moon and back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z6OgfvA2yFc&feature=em-share_video_user



A must see video.....so many lessons

Death Grief and Loss of a Son - a Mothers Journey

Story of a mothers journey after the death of her son and the stages of grief that she experienced.
Practical understanding of death

So many messages.............

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdYiLjzz4sM&feature=share

One step at a time...

The best that I can do on this journey called grief......when today is too hard....I say I will try again tomorrow....God Bless all grieving mothers and fathers

Looking For Hope

         
 I saw this picture on-line; it reminds me of Jay.  Every time I see a butterfly and dragonfly, I think of him. Although my heart is sad, these earthly creatures bring a smile to my face.  Not a day goes by that I don't miss my son but at least now I can smile.

IN GRIEF WE NEED TO LOOK FOR HOPE EVERYWHERE......

Rest for the Weary.....

I have been carrying heavy burdens in my heart.  Not only do I face the challenges of Jay's death but the needs of my family.  I attempt to stand strong and clear headed; but at times feel feeble and tired.  Today I sat in court with the fate of a family member in my hands.  With sad eyes that broke my heart; they pleaded for me to give them guidance.  I just don't know how to fix things anymore....

I've been pretty mad at God lately.   I have begged and begged for just a little reprieve from the chaos in my life.  Chastising him for not listening; feeling like he has turned his back on me.  Even questioning if he is really real.  Wow can grief test our faith!!!!  Jesus never told us that this life would be easy but what He did say to us is that He would make our burdens light. In fact He tells us that in this world we will have trials/tribulations. The question therefore is how do we live in a world that is not burden free especially when you are grieving the loss of a child. 

I came across the following message from two separate sources today; a youtube song and a blog written by Joanne Ellison.  Guess God is trying to tell me to stop screaming at him; that he hears me loud and clear....

• Rest for the Weary

Blog Posted September 4, 2012 by joanneellison in Christian Speaker

This morning I woke up with a Scripture on my heart: Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. 

• Come to Me (with Joanne Cash)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5J7LZhmuYE&feature=youtu.be  It is so apropos that this video is about Johnny Cash; for Jay just loved this man and his music.

GOD SURE WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.  TO ALL GRIEVING PARENTS -

 GOD BLESS YOU

Laying Down My Burdens

Each one of these stacked rocks represents a burden that I carry emotionally with me each day.  A cocktail of crazy unrealistic expectations; from trying to protect my youngest son 24/7 to chastising myself for not having done something in Jason's name - heck it's been two years.   In the last week I have gone to the beach no less than five times to reflect, find solace and to pray.    Jason's death has placed such fear in my heart and made me a little nutty (lol).   As a grieving mom, I am ever vigilante always waiting for the shoe to drop again.   SO CRAZY - for none of us are  in control of our destiny or the destiny of others. On that rocky stretch of beach that I love so much in the Borough of Stonington, I left my burdens in God's hands.

For right now  I am going to take care of myself physically; eating right, exercising and resting. THAT'S IT!!!!!! Making sure this earthly vessel is strong with the stamina needed to carry out God's plans whenever they reveal themselves.  I will let him be the navigator in my life.  For right now - I will drift along and wait for the direction of the wind to change.

 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

One Last Goodbye....

If you knew you only had moments of life left to live......

What would you choose as your last words.......

What would you say........

I listen to my videos of Jay over and over again.  It is so important that I don't forget what he sounds like.  I miss his goofy laugh and his expressions which were so unique to him alone.  Unlike a child who lives across country in another state; I can't just pick up the phone to tell him how much I miss and love him. 

The last time I saw Jay, I had the opportunity to tell him goodbye, be careful on the bike and that "I love you".    I was too preoccupied with my gardens and didn't take the time.  Don't miss any opportunity to tell  people (especially your children) how much you love them.  In a heartbeat - you may never get the chance again.  God Bless all Grieving Parents......