Logic and Grief don't fit together

Last night I stood in front of my Jay's memorial table to tell him goodnight and that I love him.  A ritual that I do every night before I go to bed.  This feeling of extreme guilt washed over me as I stared at his handsome face. It actually scared me that I hadn't felt the deep sadness all day. The sting of his loss was not so sharp. To the contrary it was a good day spent with a friend - hiking and laughing. This morning I woke to the same guilt and fear from the night before; I felt overwhelmed and tired.

Oh Dear Lord; am I forgetting Jay already - am I forgetting that he is gone.  What kind of Mother am I that I can just put aside the worst possible pain ""the death of my son" and be happy!  Is my worst fear that I will forget Jay already happening? 

When my father passed away; I cried and cried thinking I will never get over this loss.  But I did and I am no longer haunted by his passing.  I think of him sometimes; but the memories are few.  I don't want this to happen with Jay.  I don't want to let go - I don't want to forget ..........

Logically my head is telling me that my concerns are the voice of a Mother's broken heart.  But my heart is reminding me that there is a big gaping hole that only my Jay can fill.  I am a grieving Mom and the word LOGIC and GRIEF just don't fit together in a sentence. I just need to learn how to manage the two…….

I saw this poem on a friend’s Facebook page; recently she also loss her son to a motorcycle accident.  It is a good reminder for all of us that have lost a child…..live life as they would have wanted us too.