A Hole In My Heart
Very tough week for me; memories of that horrific morning "July 9, 2010" has haunted me. It was the day I identified the motorcycle accident victim as my son - he was 1/8 mile from our home and only 32 years young. To keep the "great sadness" at bay, I have kept busy cleaning crevices of my house that really doesn't need cleaning; In my head I am screaming at myself “I-Should-Be-Getting-Better”. I should be handling the grief; instead it has taken me to my knees again. A friend told me today; that I will be stronger again - it's just that time of year. I know his words were meant to encourage me, but they still stung. I have been "shoulding" all over myself; but the bottom line is that when it comes to grief and the death of our child there are no rules - no time tables and no quick fixes. As grieving parents we can't go around it - we have to go through it for however long it takes in our own way.
When Jay left this earth, a hole in my heart was also left. That hole will never ever be fully and completely filled. I can fill my life with positive people, positive thoughts, scenes of heaven and hope, but the bottom line is that at the end of the day, there will still be an empty place that can only be filled by my Jay. There is no substitute -- ever. I will continue to live, but I have had to learn to live WITH that empty place always longing for the day when I will see Jay again. My friend is right; next week I will be stronger. I will do it for my youngest son, I will do it for me, I will do it for the other grieving parents that I have vowed to help and I will do it for my Jay. I know he would want me to live and not just exist.
But for this week; I am taking my mask off and allowing grief to come sit with me. I am "Forever Jay's Mom" who misses and loves her son to the moon and back for always.. ...God bless every one living with the pain of child loss!
WHEN I MUST LEAVE YOU
When I must leave you for a little while
Please do not grieve and shed wild tears
And hug your sorrow to you through the years
... But start out bravely with a gallant smile
And for my sake and in my name live on
And do all things the same, feed not your
Loneliness on empty days,
But fill each waking hour in useful ways
Reach out your hand in comfort and in cheer
And I in turn will comfort you and hold you near;
And never, never be afraid to die,
For I am waiting for you in the sky!
~ Helen Steiner Rice
I know that the pain is heavy this week and always close by, never completely gone. But know that you are loved and God wants to heal your heart. These lyrics say it far better than I can.
ReplyDelete"The Hurt & The Healer" by MercyMe
Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide
It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”
I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]
Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here