An article written by a Chapter Leader of The Compassionate Friends a bereavement support group for grieving parents writes; “The first year following the death is unbelievable pain, but there is still shock to numb us. They say the second year, for many bereaved parents, is much worse than the first. Friends fade away, the protective fog wears off and REALITY begins to set in.” Yes this year (my second year) has been so much worse than last year. The weeks leading up to the anniversary of Jay’s death had left me in turmoil. No matter how hard I tried, I could not keep myself from falling into the deep sadness. The dread of the date was almost as bad as the date (July 9) itself. But, now that the date has past, I feel as though I have made it over another hurdle and feel somewhat relieved.
I am sure that I visited the cemetery and the accident site no less than 10 times. I lit a candle and left flowers at the accident site on the eve of Jay’s death. No one knows when Jay passed during that night but somehow it brought me comfort knowing that if Jay’s spirit passed through again; he would see the light and find his way. Nutty right; maybe so – but when you are a grieving Mom all logic goes out the window – we try to reach our children anyway we can.
Even though I cried hundreds of tears these last couple days. There were so many moments that I stopped, smiled and knew I wasn’t alone. After church on Sunday, I went to the cemetery as I always do; as I left I had to step out of the way as I butterfly flew straight for me. When Jay was young he would always draw me butterfly pictures or buy me things with butterflies. I then took a ride to the beach to find some peace. A truck passed with a picture of a scorpion and the word scorpion written on the side. Jay had an infatuation with scorpions; he had two tattoos of them and once owned a real one. Arriving at the beach I get a tex from his best friend. He has always referred to Jay as his “wingman”. I then see a banner it says “let me be your “wingman”. At dusk the 8th, I went to the cemetary to leave him my signature orange rose. Before I left I told him as I always do "I love you to the moon and back". If you can - please come visit....that night when I opened my computer and went online this is what I saw.
Yesterday the 9th, I drove by the accident site; then turned around and drove by it again. A camper pulls up behind me and I see in big letters “Phoenix”. I say to myself my Jay he so loves me. You see, Jay and I we share the same exact tattoo. It is of the “Phoenix” rising…..
Yes it hurts so bad and today I feel like someone ran me over me with a truck. But, "I am alive - even though a part of me has died". I am learning to live without Jay being physically here; I will forever have a relationship with my son. God has placed a desire in my heart to take the brokenness from Jay's death and turn it into something good, something helpful for someone some-where. I will not let his death be the final word.
Beautiful song (The Hurt and the Healer) sent to me yesterday to ease my pain on the anniversay of Jay's passing. Love you Tea... " http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxqfDs-64I0
Love you too Nance. Jay is with you and yes a part of you died with him but a huge part of him lives on in you my soul sister. "gonna look this life in the eye. Gonna live this life til I die."
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