I Thought It Was You...

I am week five of my sojourn here in the South.  The warm weather and sunshine has been very healing   As I walked the beach the other day, I thought to myself - I am doing better.  When two separate people asked me if I had any children – of course my reply was “Yes, I have two boys”.  Then the dreaded questions begin “what do they do for a living – are they married” etc. etc. I was able to answer their questions and talk about Jay without falling into tears.   This is how I knew I am healing! 

But then, I stumbled!  Sitting at the beach, I looked up to see a young man who looked like Jay coming towards me.  They say everyone has a twin – this was Jays’.  The same body type – the way he walked – the beard – the bald head; even the way he scratched his chin.  The emptiness of not seeing or hugging Jay for 2 ½ years came pouring in with a vengeance.  I wanted to run up and hug the guy; I wanted to hear him laugh.  Instead, I just kept sneaking a look at him and taking pictures when he wasn’t looking. Crazy woman alert; I am stalking an innocent bystander.  But who ever said a grieving mother wasn’t crazy.

Yes I stubbed my toe and it took me a couple days to regain my footing.  Yes the grief grabbed me by the shirttail and wrestled me to the ground.  BUT AND THIS IS A REALLY BIG BUT!  I know I am healing; for what use to take my weeks to regain my footing now only takes me hours or in this case a few days.

I miss my Jay and I carry him with me always. But, I keep living for Brandon, for Jay and importantly for myself.  God Bless all grieving parents. 

Bad Dream - Good Morning

Last night I had a dream about my Jay; he was a little boy around five or six years of age.  Jay was so distraught and sad crying his little eyes out.  It broke my heart to see him so heartbroken as I tried to console him.  I woke up feeling very heavy laden and broken myself.

Turning on the television to find distraction in the news; my sad morning turned into a good morning. The feature story was about an “Airbus” (you know those metallic spaceship looking vehicles that people use to travel around the country) rally that was being held locally.   They went on to say that this year they decided to include some other RVs.  To my surprise and tears the RV they showcased was the one called “Jay Feather and Jay Flight”.   Since Jay’s passing there is a handful of signs (dragonflies – red sea glass) that I know with certainty are from my Jay.  Many times I have written in my blog about seeing “Jay Flight or Jay Feather” when I needed to know Jay was still with me. 

Today was a gift from my Jay; the bond between my son and I is forever.  Just because I can’t physically hug him – somehow Jay always sends me a spiritual hug.

Copper Dragonfly

A day does not go by that I do not think about Jay, but I know that he is looking down on me and is proud that I use the tragedy of his death to help others who have also lost a child.  I haven’t written not for lack of desire but for lack of a peaceful heart.  This Wednesday makes two weeks that I have left the gray and cold weather of Connecticut; for the warmth of the sun in the South.

My challenge has been being here alone; solitude has been a time of healing but I find at times that I get lost in my thoughts and grief  slips back in. A couple days had gone by and I was feeling more sadness than peace in my heart.  I was in a parking lot sitting in my car.  My dear friend and I were talking about my Jay and of course the tears started to flow.  As if queued; a beautiful copper dragonfly with the most beautiful iridescent wings started darting back and forth across my windshield. I had the convertible top down and now the dragonfly is in and out of my car.  It wasn’t leaving; I am so excited - my Jay always comes when I need him the most.  He gives me a sign and always lets me know he is near.

Today was a better day; I made a point of meeting new people.  I stood at the edge of the ocean plucking seashells from her shore; sending the people back home pictures of the beautiful beach.  In my heart I was at peace; I am not alone – I will always have my Jay and God.

Reflection: Psalm 126:5
"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy."

Beam Me Up

Today is one of those days where the journey of grief wears heavy on my heart.  Sometimes the reality of my son's death just blindsides me.  Just for one moment I would love to feel a Jay hug, hear a deep Jason guttural laugh or see the sparkle in his eyes.  Heard this song today; wish I could be beamed up to where you are my son. "In my head, I see your baby blues"

 Tomorrow I will try again.  God Bless all grieving parents.

Beam Me Up.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo

There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Reflection

 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you" (John 14:27)

New Year's Resolutions

Last night as I said my prayers; I continue to ask for the changes that I need for 2013.  I pray that I have the courage and strength to live my life more joyfully, to face my obstacles without fear/defeat and to be more gentle with myself; expecting more than what I am capable of being.  This is the message I received; when I went to my web-page. A calmness came to my heart.

"Be strong and courageous...The Lord will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

I subscribe to this wonderful site called the "Griefbox".  They posted this list of "New Year's Resolutions for those who Grieve.  So apropos...

To the Parents of the Sandy Hook Children

"Hope Is The Only Thing Stronger

Than Fear"

God Bless the parents; for their grief - for their sorrow - for their empty arms.  I understand the loss of a child and my heart grieves with you.

A Christmas Present

This will be my third Christmas without my sweet boy.   The great sadness still tugs at my heart when I hear a Christmas Song or when reality rears its ugly head knowing there will be an empty chair at the family dinner table.   The memories flood my mind of Christmases past; some make me smile and some make me cry. But this year is different; I don't feel the great sadness 24/7.

I know with certainty that my Jay hears me when I cry and he can feel my sorrow.  Soul to soul; a Mother and child are forever connected.  So this year, I decided that I would give my Jay a special gift for Christmas; the gift of life.  I was going to be part of the Christmas season and not just a bystander wishing it all to go away. I put up a Christmas tree and hung Jason's stocking.  Each day I have placed a message of hope in his stocking; a message of gratitude.  Every invitation that has been extended to me, I accepted even if I didn't feel like going; parties, plays, concerts, dinners and volunteering at church.  I even baked cookies!

I want Jay to have a peaceful soul; one not burdened by my sadness.  There isn't a day that I don't miss him or feel the ache in my heart.  Life is so different since Jay left us; but I am learning to live wholeheartedly and adjust to life with this hole in my heart.  Merry Christmas my son - I love you to the moon and back.

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
It's Christmas time and I'll miss you
You'll never know how much
The greatest thing I could get...

Would be just to feel your hug.
I know you're safe in Heaven
And you're as happy as can be
And I know that I'm being wishful
To want you here with me.
Have a lovely Christmas
I'll get by, you'll see
Just promise me on Christmas day
That you will think of me.

 Heard this song last week at a Christmas Concert and it made me cry; so beautiful  - Christmas in Heaven http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFmArzsGyEI

Angel On My Tree

My most precious Christmas Angel.  To all grieving parents God Bless You and take comfort in knowing you will see your baby again someday.  I saw this statement the other day; what happens when you take the "U" out of the word mourning?   Please listen to the song!

DAWN BEFORE THE MORNING - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8

Coincidence - Think Not....

Jay loved tying knots in my shoes; forever the joker.  I would go to put on a pair of boots and the laces would be tied together in knots.  Every night before bed I remove this necklace.  The prayer box contains my son's ashes and the angel wings bear his birthstone.  How surprised I was in the morning to find a perfect knot in my necklace.

This picture of the Tasmanian Devil is one of Jay's Christmas Ornaments.  In his younger years his nickname was "Taz".  I had just finished taking this picture when a documentary came on the television about a duck that had been rescued. The commentator says to the keeper what are you going to name her; and you guessed it - he named the duck "TAZ".

COINCIDENCES - THINK NOT!!!!

Voice of Truth

There is no greater fear or sadness then not knowing where your child is!  Each night I have prayed for comfort and assurance that Jay is okay.  I have been tormented that Jay may not be at peace or happy.  On December 5th, on my knees I cried hysterically and prayed for help.  I told the Lord I could not find the courage to move on and do his work without being at peace knowing Jay had found joy in heaven.  I was brought up in a religion that taught me that there was no salvation for sinners.  The Church preached to us from a very young age that if you sin "you go to hell" - end of story.  That thought which was so  impeded in my brain has many times affected my thinking when it comes to God.

When Jay was a little boy he was taught about prayers, God and attended church.  But from the time he was eleven and moved away - religion was no longer a part of his life.  That is until a special lady named Alana walked into his life with two small children (Linnea and James) who had God in their hearts.  In the months before Jay's passing, they would hold hands as a family and say grace at the table and Jay would always say Amen.  Jay would always come into the bedroom and say prayers with Linnea and James.  The kids and Alana loved Christian music and "Mr. Hard Rock Jay" would listen patiently in the car and in the house.  He was a BELIEVER!!! There are such falsehoods in the different religions - we are all sinners.  We do make mistakes but because of Jesus we continue to be forgiven.

The next day, I went to the cemetery to decorate for Christmas.  In  front of Jay's memorial stone placed purposely in a deep plant hole was a pamphlet titled "What is God Like?"  I looked around to see if any of the other stones had this pamphlet and they did not.  The words spoke volumes of the mercy of God for us sinners.  "No matter what sin you have committed, no matter how dirty, shameful or terrible it may be, God loves you. God's love provided a plan for redemption and salvation for sinful humans, God's love provided the cross of Jesus Christ by which we have forgiveness and cleansing.  The words that stood out the most were the following; for my Jay was a believer!

"God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16)

Last March I had this vision:
An Angel is standing with his back to me; all I can see is its white wings.  This angel is blocking something.  The Angel slowly turns and steps aside.  Then I see  Jay's beautiful smile and his body a blur of mist.  But the best part was Jay giving me that quick little wave that only Jay could do.

 My heart is calmed and I know that Jay is in a beautiful peaceful place. Someday soon I will
 see my sweet baby boy again....

 

Voice of Truth....beautiful song from Alana
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaVg0cWkgAw

Remembering a Child Gone Too Soon....

Love doesn’t end with death. Families that have had a child die understand that.  Held annually the second Sunday in December, the Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends who light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died too soon.   As candles burn down in one time zone, they are then lit in the next, creating a virtual 24-hour wave of light as the observance continues around the world.

                                       

"Lights of Love"                                           

                

Can you see our candles
Burning in the night?
Lights of love we send you
Rays of purest light.
...

Children we remember,
Though missing from our sight.
In honor and remembrance
We light our candles in the night.

All across the big blue marble,
Spinning out in space,
Can you see our candles burning,
From this human place?

Oh, angels gone before us,
Who taught us perfect love,
This night the world lights candles
So you may see them from
above.

Tonight the globe is lit by love,
Of those who know great sorrow.
But as we remember our
yesterdays
Let's light one candle for
tomorrow.

We will not forget,
And every year in deep December,
On Earth we light our candles
As........................we remember.

~unknown~

Gifts of The Sea

In my feeble brain, I truly believed that the Holidays would be easier this year.  Shoot it's the third season without my Jay, shouldn't I be prepared for the barrage of nostalgic emotions and memories that will flood my heart.  Nope Nope Nope!!!!!!!

After Church on Sunday I walked into the house; I felt the emptiness - the quiet was deafening.  There is such a big void in the house without Jay's physical being.  I stand in the middle of his room picturing him as I remembered him; sprawled out on his king size bed, watching TV, giving me one of mischievous grins.  My heart hurts; I am lonely -  keep moving keep moving I tell myself.

As I have done so many times before I head for the sea.  In many of my posts I have mentioned my passion for collecting sea glass over the past twenty years.  It wasn't until a couple years ago, that something special started to happen.  The one color of sea glass that always eluded me was the color red; chances of finding red is one in every 5,000.   On 7/24/11, my birthday - one year after Jay had passed I was looking for sea glass.  I was talking to Jay as I looked for glass - I told him that if I found red glass (which I never have) I would know that he was there with me.  Immediately, I found a red piece and then another.  Since Jay's passing I have found six pieces of red sea glass.  The times that I have found them are when my heart is at its heaviest. Initially I found no red sea glass and proceeded to get into my car to come home.  I will admit I was sad at not finding red glass.  Driving away I was moved to stop at a small secluded spot that is only accessible at low tide. As I jumped from the seawall unto the beach, I looked down to see where I was landing - there at my feet is this large piece of red sea glass you see here.   Coincidence? 

 Every time we receive what some call a coincidence or an answered prayer, it's a direct and personal message of reassurance from God to you - what would be called a "godwink". (When God Winks at you by Squire Rushnell)

The other gift that I continue to receive since Jay's passing; are rocks in the shape of a heart.  True treasures and subtle reminders that I live inside my Jay's heart.

  

Reflection:  Matthew 5:4 NLT
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

The Way

If you get a chance watch this movie called "The Way". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5VZKWcgw6c

This father finishes his deceased son's pilgrimage.  So many many messages about life and the love of a parent.

Two messages that I heard:;

• "You don't chose a life Dad - you LIVE one"
• "How old was your baby - he wasn't a baby he was almost 40 - (rebuttal) he will always be your baby" -

My Jay will always be my baby.  Miss him more than life today.

Song 'Live Like You Were Dying' - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxDkWBvxHEI

Walking In Hope

Today my sister and I donned our winter gear and trudged up Main Street for our walk.   Last Tuesday we experienced another snowfall with temperatures that dipped into the 20s. I posted a picture of this little pansy a week ago on 11/20/12 on my "Fear and Hope" entry.  As I walked along with my sister; I was anxious to see if this little glimmer of hope was still alive; sure enough it was.  My sister was so taken back by the site of this little flower blooming in the middle of winter that she insisted I take this picture. In her excitement she had me forward the picture to an individual with the words "Hope for the Hopeless." She was amazed by the tenacity of this little flower to live even when odds were against it.   HOPE she felt it and so did I for a second time in a week.  I am still smiling when I look at this snippet of life.

Grief, Sorrow, Heartache; all emotions that can cloud our vision to see the beauty all around us.  Someone very close to my heart struggles with a terrible hurt.  It troubles me to see how fear has taken away her joy for life.  I remind her over and over - don't ever give up HOPE.....

 Hope is the salve and holistic remedy to propel us forward to live again wholeheartedly and not just exist going through the motions.

We must never give up hope; be it hope for the healing of an illness, hope for a  better earth, hope for the return of a love one, hope for a failed marriage or my hope to see my Jay again someday.

Reflection: Psalm 130-5

"I wait for The Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Thanksgiving

AND FOR THIS I GIVE THANKS.....................



My Youngest Son - Brandon - my life and my rock



This will be the third holiday season without my son here in the physical sense.  On that first Thanksgiving the empty chair and place at the table seemed to scream out at me that someone precious was missing. And the message of this particular holiday was thankfulness? What on earth could I ever find to be thankful for?  In all honesty, I cannot tell you even one detail of that first one: where I spent it, who was present, where I was, or if I cried all day.  I am sure the numbness factor of early grief shielded me from the memory of something that was so inconceivable...that my precious son was gone...forever.

Three Thanksgiving's later,  I have found reasons to be thankful:

1. For my youngest son Brandon.  He gives me purpose to continue living.  His excitement over the  simple things in life; hayrides, camping, hanging Christmas Lights etc. fills my heart with Joy.  Brandon's love heals my pain and drives me harder to go on.
2. For my faith in God which has given me the courage to get up each day and live life instead of wanting to just give up.  Prayer and the word of the Gospel gives me Hope and brings peace into my heart.  There is a purpose in this life for me and I know that it will unfold when the time is right.
3. My memory, because now the painful memories are, more often than not, replaced with the beautiful  memories of the past.
4. My life, for whom else will keep Jason's memory alive? Of course, my family, but they have lives, as they should. I am the self-appointed keeper of my son's memory.
5. Smiling a genuine smile, laughing a hardy laugh, and finding my sense of humor again. I sincerely believe that Jay likes to hear me laugh and that he would want me to find humor in life again.
6. For my dear friends and family who have patiently waited as I wander this journey called grief. For  allowing me to grieve on my own terms and in my own time.

God Bless The Parents Who Have An Angel In Heaven

Reflection:

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world"

Fear and Hope

Two o'clock in the afternoon I am staring at myself in the bathroom mirror; hair disheveled still dressed in my bright red pajamas.  It has been a tough three weeks commencing with Jay's birthday and culminating with the Holidays fast approaching.  There has been so many family issues; all way to  personal to discuss here.  Nonetheless a catalyst for my lack of energy and  lest not forget I am in mourning for my son.  Determined to do different; I dressed to face the elements outside.  I was going to take a walk even if it was only 41 degrees.  Looking like a giant brown walrus up Main Street I went.  As I rounded the corner a glimpse of color caught my eye.  Mid-November and this beautiful yellow pansy was raising its petals to the heat of the sun.  This one little plant had survived the deluge of rain and wind brought on by Hurricane Sandy.  Then a week later it was covered and survived the first snow storm of the year.  This was my aha moment; Hope that's what this little snippet of nature was showing me.  Through all the trials and obstacles - nature NEVER gives up hope.  It prevails - renews itself and keeps moving forward.  I will never give up Hoping.......

"Hope Is The Only Thing Stronger

Than Fear"

Refection:

1 Corinthians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

A Single Mom

I was reading an article by Deepak Chopra and statements that he made so resonated with the loss of my Jay.  He said to a grieving mother "You were living through your son, AS OFTEN HAPPENS WITH SINGLE MOMS.  He became part of you, and when he died, part of your identity went with him. With the sudden separation of accidental death, you were wrenched apart, all the feelings you have now are the result of not being able to assemble a whole person out of the fragments left behind."  He is so right since Jason's death I am awkward with life.   An amputee whose limitation are not visible to another person...for the missing part is my heart.



As a Single Mom we were "the Power of Three"



Excerpt "The Invitation" - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children."

Reflection
"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you."  Joshua 1:5 " -be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

Left Behind

Message from my best friend who also lost her older brother:
 "My best friend lost her oldest son 2 years and 4 months ago. In addition to his grieving parents, he left behind his younger brother.  I cannot begin to imagine the enormous loss that grieving parents suffer, but I have felt the enormous loss that a sibling suffers.  The remaining children witness their parents pain, see the emptiness in their eyes and don't want to burden them with how they are feeling, so many siblings grieve in silence." 

Jason's birthday was last week on October 31, 2012.  The picture you see below was sent to me by a friend of my youngest son as he sat with his Jay-Jay on his birthday.  This image speaks volumes of the hurt and heartache in my son's heart; of a brother left behind.  My son always acts so strong and so together around me.  I know he thinks I hurt enough without having to watch him grieve; he goes to incredible lengths to hide his pain from me.   As a parent I could fix just about anything whether it was a broken toy, a difficult homework problem or a wound. This is the  first time I can’t solve the problem and make it better for my son.  As a Mom it is so hard and breaks my heart; I can't fix this one.......

When a child has died, siblings are often referred to as “the forgotten mourners.” While parents usually receive most of the support of relatives and friends, siblings generally receive little—often being asked “How are your parents doing?”

When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place. 

 When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future.

REFLECTION - Psalm 9:9

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Gifts From A Friend

To my best friend Robyn; without you I could NEVER have survived this journey. Publicly I want to thank you for always being by my side. I saw this passage and thought immediately of you.  Love you to the Moon and Back......

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Tears of An Angel

  

My former Mother-in-law died on Monday October 29th.  We are all sad over her departure.  My youngest says to me "I asked Jay to go meet Grandma."  Aw he just touched my heart!! I say to him I think Uncle Teddy (my brother-in-law who was 48 when he passed) was there to meet Jay.  No Mom; he says with surety "it was Pep (my father)"  I know because I have dreamt it so many times.  In my dream Pep is giving Jay a hard time and says to him "Why do you make your Mother cry."  Crazy....

I have three Angels in heaven; My Father, Teddy and Jay.  I miss them all.

Beautiful Song - Tears of An Angel - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg4zxY1vF1w&feature=related

An Angel whispered take my hand and come with me ... you're work here is done.

I went away to a place where there's no tears, nor sorrow only laughter and smiles, there will always be a tomorrow.

As I move amongst the clouds. I'll look down and smile upon you, while the angels sing a heavenly song.

I am not alone all who went before are here they awaited my return.

I know you'll grieve  and wish I was still here - I am here in the memories you hold dear.

Remember how much I love you and know I took your love with me.

I did not wish for you to cry, nor feel sad - My pain is gone and I am Free!

Soon you'll come to me - until then - God will be with you Just as He's with me.

~ Diana Blokzyl