I Thought It Was You...

I am week five of my sojourn here in the South.  The warm weather and sunshine has been very healing   As I walked the beach the other day, I thought to myself - I am doing better.  When two separate people asked me if I had any children – of course my reply was “Yes, I have two boys”.  Then the dreaded questions begin “what do they do for a living – are they married” etc. etc. I was able to answer their questions and talk about Jay without falling into tears.   This is how I knew I am healing! 

But then, I stumbled!  Sitting at the beach, I looked up to see a young man who looked like Jay coming towards me.  They say everyone has a twin – this was Jays’.  The same body type – the way he walked – the beard – the bald head; even the way he scratched his chin.  The emptiness of not seeing or hugging Jay for 2 ½ years came pouring in with a vengeance.  I wanted to run up and hug the guy; I wanted to hear him laugh.  Instead, I just kept sneaking a look at him and taking pictures when he wasn’t looking. Crazy woman alert; I am stalking an innocent bystander.  But who ever said a grieving mother wasn’t crazy.

Yes I stubbed my toe and it took me a couple days to regain my footing.  Yes the grief grabbed me by the shirttail and wrestled me to the ground.  BUT AND THIS IS A REALLY BIG BUT!  I know I am healing; for what use to take my weeks to regain my footing now only takes me hours or in this case a few days.

I miss my Jay and I carry him with me always. But, I keep living for Brandon, for Jay and importantly for myself.  God Bless all grieving parents.