The Day My World Changed..

I want to be able to share my journey and give you hope that we can learn to live again.  Today is my first entry so my message is a little long.  Who am I?  Once I could have gone on with a litany of responses.  Today, I am Forever “Jay’s” Mom; a bereaved parent who lost her oldest son Jason “Jay” Elliott on July 9^th, 2010 to a motorcycle accident – less than a quarter mile from home. Why am I writing this article; so that another bereaved parent will know that he or she are not insane and that the emotions they are feeling are so very REAL.  After Jason’s passing someone said to me “it will be easier someday – the pain will never go away – but you will heal.” I thought to myself NEVER….but I was wrong!

In a heartbeat (Jay’s that is) my whole world changed. Today I can’t make a decision without soliciting the advice of others; my bills are late, and I walk in a fog wondering what I was going to do.  The smallest of obstacles send me into a tailspin; I have so little coping skills.

The first year without Jay is just a blur.  I remember so very little – thank God the brain goes into shutdown for I believe I would have gone mad   Grief became like breathing, I couldn’t rise or go to sleep without the pressing feel of it against my heart, the weight of it like a suitcase I didn’t know how to unpack. An invisible virus that gnawed at me from the inside but somehow managed to leave the rest of me unscathed.  I stumbled through my days like a drunken woman. This second year has been my year of awakening; especially these last four months.  Everyone is going on with their lives and inside my head I am screaming don’t forget about Jay.  The realization that Jason is not coming home paralyzes me; all I can do is shake my head and say “Really”.  I shut out the world at times and  I go into a state of “turtling”; keeping to myself- letting very few family and friends into my tight little circle.   But and this is a really big BUT, we NEED our family/friends - this journey cannot be walked alone.  Let us not forget they are suffering and feeling the loss also; not only for our child but also for the individual we once were.  There are days that my world does feel UPSIDEDOWN.     Yes, I still have dark days but it is NO LONGER every day.  My love for my youngest son Brandon makes me want to be a “better person”; to heal, laugh and show him that he is just as important as Jay.  I have picked up my camera again and begun to take pictures of life not with eyes of darkness but with eyes of hope.  My flower boxes are planted with the smiling faces of pansies.  In February, I spent two weeks in Florida; enjoying the sunshine and laughing at the dolphins as they raced alongside the boat.  I am learning to live again and when I have a bad day; I give myself a break and say “I will try again tomorrow’.  

As of late I have been feeling that I am at a CROSSROAD; an unsettling feeling.  I can choose to unpack my bags at the detour sign and dig a trench for the long haul, or I can make my own detour.   I could take the road back to where I have been for the last year and ½ being stuck or I could take the road to the left or right to a different destination a safe harbor one I already know.  Lastly there is the road straight ahead; a new beginning - maybe it’s time to move to a different house, maybe it’s time to move to another state and find my purpose – unchartered waters.  Some people just keep going, too scared to veer off the familiar path.  But others, well, they step off into the unknown, and find that maybe that was where they were supposed to be all along.  All I know is that I need to continue putting my life in gear and keep moving.  So what propels me forward on this journey; First a need to be healthy and present for my son Brandon; my rock who I love more than life, secondly my faith in God, and last but not least my promise and final gift to my son Jason -  that I will live my life; “whole heartedly”.