Too Many Coincidences Not To Mention....

 

This year I seriously thought I was better equipped to handle Mother's Day.  That is so far from the truth; yesterday and today has been an emotional upheaval of memories and feelings.  I  cried alligator tears one minute and the next I am unleashing anger over Jason's death on my baby sister (yes I have apologized profusely - thank God she understood and was sympathetic).  Mitch Carmody who speaks on grief sent this message to the grieving Mothers of Compassionate Friends:
"No matter how many years will pass - your heart will hurt this day.  Like a glowing ember flaring up the pain returns your way.  There is nothing that can be said, nothing anyone can do.  No one can heal the pain inside of you. It is your pain, the greatest burden a mother can bear. Find solace the best you can in knowing a mother's love transcends all time and space.  And no matter where your child is - they will feel your heart's embrace."

And so in true fashion my son let's me know he is near:

1. Yesterday a lady approached me - she had on a beautiful dragonfly necklace. (Jay's poem - the Dragonfly)
2.  Immediately after leaving the parking lot - a truck passed me; attached to the front of his grill was a Tasmanian Devil (Jay's nickname in school)
3. I received this card from Compassionate Friends; yes I am Forever Jay's Mom           
4. As I left the cemetery this morning; I turned and said to Jay please visit me today. When I got into the car I received this tex. "Happy Mother's Day - I love you to the moon and back".  Yes it was from my sweet Morgan but I also knew that Jay found a way to let me know that he loves me to the moon and back also.
5. Home after the cemetery; I felt so tired.  Crying takes so much energy physically and mentally. I decided to lay down for awhile - but something told me to look outside.  Perched on my deck railing was the most beautiful orange oriole.  Never saw a bird like this in my yard ever; Jay knows how much I love the birds. 
6. But the best of all messages came late tonight after I left my youngest son.  It was dusk but I could see something shiny in the bushes at the edge of the woods.  It was this balloon that had gotten away from someone and made it's way to my home - "YOU'RE A GREAT MOM"

 There are no coincidences; things happen for a reason.  Mitch is right; my Jay he always feels my heart's embrace.  Miss my son and love him to the moon and back for always.  God Bless all grieving Moms this day.


When You Take A Step Backwards

Jay’s last entry on his Facebook status simply said:

“Everyday seems to be a little easier than the last.  I just can’t wait till the day when I can just enjoy today”.

 When I saw this message yesterday I thought to myself it was as if Jay had written this for me also.  Being back in Connecticut for the last 10 days after spending three months away has been such an emotional roller-coaster for me.  I have lost my sure footing! Triggers triggers triggers they are everywhere in Windham.  Being away allowed me to heal; there wasn’t the constant reminder that my Jay is really gone.  The downstairs where Jay stayed is empty and void of his presence.  It echoes with emptiness; no familiar sounds, no laughter, no familiar smells – just quiet. The telephone pole that took him away from us looms ominously a 1/8 of a mile from my driveway.  Visiting the cemetery after so many months and seeing his handsome face on a stone of granite; just felt so unreal.   Last Sunday, as I hugged his stone feeling the cold against my cheek; all I wished for was one more Jay hug.  In true Jay fashion I get my wish!  Stopping at a local IGA to pick up a few things – Jay’s best friend Jared is there and his is wearing Jay’s Memorial shirt.  He gives me one of Jay’s bear hugs.  Jay sent me Jared when he couldn't be there himself.  Monday I was still struggling; as I sat in the dentist office a dental technician came in; on her neck was tattooed the most beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly.  My best friend said it so eloquently “Jay always sends you strength”.  That he does and I am trying harder today.

_________________________________________________________________

 Excerpt from by Hope For The Broken Hearted: Everyone does grieve differently, but most people will share this same experience... you will be going along, thinking that you are doing well and then a song, a smell or something unexpected will pop up, and it will hit you hard... you will feel so overcome with grief, that it feels like you are back to square one with your pain. If you are aware that it can happen...and more importantly, that it's normal and that others experience the same thing, it won't throw you for such a loop... you will realize you're not back at square one, you've only taken a step backward and you will not remain stuck there... you will soon be able to continue where you left off in your healing journey.

Blue- Tailed Dragonfly and The Next Destination On This Journey

For the last couple days the events of that morning Jay left us has played out in my dreams and conscience mind leaving me vulnerable to tears and now my stomach hurting again (a tell-tale sign that I am regressing).  Early yesterday morning as I sat on the porch drinking my coffee, a dragonfly lighted ever gently on a branch on one of the bushes.   As many of you already know the dragonfly has such a deep meaning for me since Jay’s passing.  On the one year anniversary of his accident the poem “The Dragonfly” was read about a blue-tailed dragonfly.  The following link is a copy of the poem:

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com/1611138-post1.html

So when I see a dragonfly - I take it as a message from Jay and God that he is all right and  he misses me too.  But this day I wasn’t consoled by this sign; I went on with my day.  Two hours later, I took a long walk and came back to find this dragonfly still dancing around on the same branch even the same leaf.  Still I didn’t pay it much attention.   Going on with my day; grocery shopping etc etc. – I sat down once again on the porch to have something to drink.  Six hours later this dragonfly is on the same branch, same leaf, doing the same crazy little dance.  Almost as if it was being silly; tail up – tail down – fly in a circle land on the same branch same leaf. 

Now this dragonfly has my attention; six hours has passed and it was still hanging around.  I grabbed my camera with the long lens to get a closer look thinking I was missing something.  Florida has so many species of dragonflies; but this one was special! As you can see in the picture she is a beautiful Blue-Tailed Dragonfly; now I am smiling and feeling peace come over me.   But here is the best part she allowed me to take 20 or 30 pictures; almost posing.  Then as if on cue, when I was done and went into the house – she flew away – I never saw her again.  Her work here was done……..

As for the next part of my journey; initially when I started writing this blog I committed to writing for a minimum of one year.   I can’t believe it but the one year mark is fast approaching on May 1^st.  The purpose of this blog was to bring healing to my heart as well as the hearts of other bereaved parents.   I shared my grief journey that began over two years ago to tell parents; it is not an easy path but there is HOPE - you can learn to live again.  God has been a navigator on this journey of grief; I am never alone.  He brings me comfort in the hardest of times.  Starting next month I will be leading the CROSSROAD OF HOPE grief program at my Church for those who have lost a spouse, child, family member or friend, and have found there are not many people who understand the deep hurt they feel.  My hope is to help these individuals face these challenges and move towards rebuilding their life by looking to the word of the Lord.

Message - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Celebrating Jay

This weekend I drove four hours to a small town called Palm Bay Florida to be with Jay’s second family the Nahass.  Jay spent the summer before his accident with this extended family.  It was the happiest I had ever seen him.  The most beautiful peaceful pictures of Jay were taken when he was in Florida with them; you could see in his eyes that all was well with his soul.

So months ago, we planned on a celebration for our Jay in Florida.  All the way from Connecticut, I drove with some of Jay’s ashes safety tucked into my car.  The plan was to take Jay’s ashes to the beach that he loved so much and where the happy pictures of him were taken.  I love the message that Brian posted on Saturday; it says it all.  

“Today my dear friend we ride together again for one last ride to set your ashes to the wind and rest your soul in a place you were so very happy. Miss you brother.”

Safely tucking Jay’s ashes into the Harley along with Jay’s shirt (he is wearing in the picture); we rode in honor of Jay to the beach.  With heavy hearts and many tears we listened to Aaron Lewis, Jay's favorite musician.  Brandy – their children Zach and Morgan followed; we had our own little entourage

When we arrived at the beach; the majesty took my breath away and I understood why Jay loved it so much there.  Morgan and Zach at the water’s edge sent Jay’s ashes to the wind; I just knew Jay was smiling down on all of us.            

                                                               

                                                                                                              

The most beautiful gift that this family gave me this weekend was the memories.  They are not afraid to talk about Jay for fear of upsetting me.  They laughed – told me stories and said his name over and over again; music to a grieving Mother’s heart.  I adore this family for they continue to love my Jay; they loved him unconditionally when he was physically here and they continue to love him unconditionally in spirit.

As I drove to Palm Bay yesterday, I looked for signs from Jay; specifically campers that say’s “Jay’s Feather.” I guess I wanted to know that he was happy with what I was doing.  But to no avail did I see one.  Leaving Palm Bay today; heading up the ramp to Hwy. 95, I  whisper “I hope my son that I made you smile.”   A camper with the words “Jay’s Feather” immediately passed me – now I was smiling!!!!!

Tree Woman - Jeremiah 31:13

  This picture totally exemplifies me; a mother in mourning trying to live again; the tree woman is dead on one side and alive and blooming on the other.  My dear friend Tina purchased this picture for me.  It was created by an artist in her church.  So thankful for such a precious gift and the blessing of her friendship.

The last 24 hours has been a challenge for me; grief once again nipping at my heels.  Blessings and messages have been coming through so strong.  Yesterday, I glanced over and saw in big letters on a license plate the word "Jay".  Then Jay's best friend sent me a picture of Jay's memorial where they had placed beautiful aqua blue orbs in memory of Jay's crystal blue eyes and solar lights; my Jay is loved.  Then today, the repair man for my dishwasher spoke of his grandson and showed me a picture.  My heart said; ask what his name is for I knew it would have something to do with Jay.  It did; we call him JJ he said - omg I said out loud JayJay is one of  my son's nicknames.  Then Tina sends me this picture of the painting she bought for me; comfort in a storm.

 My God sends me comfort when the sorrow paralyzes me on this journey called "grief".

Bible Verse: Jeremiah 31:13

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

The Lesson Of The Butterfly

Today I heard this story in Church and I thought of all the parents that have lost a child and their struggles with grief.

"A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.

The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.

The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shriveled wings, incapable of flight.
 
What the man, in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings. It would then be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

I immediately thought that the cocoon was such a strong symbolism for the grief of a parent.  In the beginning all is dark; we are frozen in time, existing but not really alive.  But slowly and when we are ready: emerge from our dark exhausting state of being called grief.  As grieving parents we push through - laboring through the many stages of grief; fighting to get back to the living.  Then one day and only in our due time, for there is no rushing grief; we hear ourselves laugh, hear the birds sing and learn to live again.

God Bless all parents who have lost a child.

Refection
"So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I Thought It Was You...

I am week five of my sojourn here in the South.  The warm weather and sunshine has been very healing   As I walked the beach the other day, I thought to myself - I am doing better.  When two separate people asked me if I had any children – of course my reply was “Yes, I have two boys”.  Then the dreaded questions begin “what do they do for a living – are they married” etc. etc. I was able to answer their questions and talk about Jay without falling into tears.   This is how I knew I am healing! 

But then, I stumbled!  Sitting at the beach, I looked up to see a young man who looked like Jay coming towards me.  They say everyone has a twin – this was Jays’.  The same body type – the way he walked – the beard – the bald head; even the way he scratched his chin.  The emptiness of not seeing or hugging Jay for 2 ½ years came pouring in with a vengeance.  I wanted to run up and hug the guy; I wanted to hear him laugh.  Instead, I just kept sneaking a look at him and taking pictures when he wasn’t looking. Crazy woman alert; I am stalking an innocent bystander.  But who ever said a grieving mother wasn’t crazy.

Yes I stubbed my toe and it took me a couple days to regain my footing.  Yes the grief grabbed me by the shirttail and wrestled me to the ground.  BUT AND THIS IS A REALLY BIG BUT!  I know I am healing; for what use to take my weeks to regain my footing now only takes me hours or in this case a few days.

I miss my Jay and I carry him with me always. But, I keep living for Brandon, for Jay and importantly for myself.  God Bless all grieving parents. 

Bad Dream - Good Morning

Last night I had a dream about my Jay; he was a little boy around five or six years of age.  Jay was so distraught and sad crying his little eyes out.  It broke my heart to see him so heartbroken as I tried to console him.  I woke up feeling very heavy laden and broken myself.

Turning on the television to find distraction in the news; my sad morning turned into a good morning. The feature story was about an “Airbus” (you know those metallic spaceship looking vehicles that people use to travel around the country) rally that was being held locally.   They went on to say that this year they decided to include some other RVs.  To my surprise and tears the RV they showcased was the one called “Jay Feather and Jay Flight”.   Since Jay’s passing there is a handful of signs (dragonflies – red sea glass) that I know with certainty are from my Jay.  Many times I have written in my blog about seeing “Jay Flight or Jay Feather” when I needed to know Jay was still with me. 

Today was a gift from my Jay; the bond between my son and I is forever.  Just because I can’t physically hug him – somehow Jay always sends me a spiritual hug.

Copper Dragonfly

A day does not go by that I do not think about Jay, but I know that he is looking down on me and is proud that I use the tragedy of his death to help others who have also lost a child.  I haven’t written not for lack of desire but for lack of a peaceful heart.  This Wednesday makes two weeks that I have left the gray and cold weather of Connecticut; for the warmth of the sun in the South.

My challenge has been being here alone; solitude has been a time of healing but I find at times that I get lost in my thoughts and grief  slips back in. A couple days had gone by and I was feeling more sadness than peace in my heart.  I was in a parking lot sitting in my car.  My dear friend and I were talking about my Jay and of course the tears started to flow.  As if queued; a beautiful copper dragonfly with the most beautiful iridescent wings started darting back and forth across my windshield. I had the convertible top down and now the dragonfly is in and out of my car.  It wasn’t leaving; I am so excited - my Jay always comes when I need him the most.  He gives me a sign and always lets me know he is near.

Today was a better day; I made a point of meeting new people.  I stood at the edge of the ocean plucking seashells from her shore; sending the people back home pictures of the beautiful beach.  In my heart I was at peace; I am not alone – I will always have my Jay and God.

Reflection: Psalm 126:5
"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy."

Beam Me Up

Today is one of those days where the journey of grief wears heavy on my heart.  Sometimes the reality of my son's death just blindsides me.  Just for one moment I would love to feel a Jay hug, hear a deep Jason guttural laugh or see the sparkle in his eyes.  Heard this song today; wish I could be beamed up to where you are my son. "In my head, I see your baby blues"

 Tomorrow I will try again.  God Bless all grieving parents.

Beam Me Up.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo

There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Reflection

 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you" (John 14:27)

New Year's Resolutions

Last night as I said my prayers; I continue to ask for the changes that I need for 2013.  I pray that I have the courage and strength to live my life more joyfully, to face my obstacles without fear/defeat and to be more gentle with myself; expecting more than what I am capable of being.  This is the message I received; when I went to my web-page. A calmness came to my heart.

"Be strong and courageous...The Lord will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

I subscribe to this wonderful site called the "Griefbox".  They posted this list of "New Year's Resolutions for those who Grieve.  So apropos...

To the Parents of the Sandy Hook Children

"Hope Is The Only Thing Stronger

Than Fear"

God Bless the parents; for their grief - for their sorrow - for their empty arms.  I understand the loss of a child and my heart grieves with you.

A Christmas Present

This will be my third Christmas without my sweet boy.   The great sadness still tugs at my heart when I hear a Christmas Song or when reality rears its ugly head knowing there will be an empty chair at the family dinner table.   The memories flood my mind of Christmases past; some make me smile and some make me cry. But this year is different; I don't feel the great sadness 24/7.

I know with certainty that my Jay hears me when I cry and he can feel my sorrow.  Soul to soul; a Mother and child are forever connected.  So this year, I decided that I would give my Jay a special gift for Christmas; the gift of life.  I was going to be part of the Christmas season and not just a bystander wishing it all to go away. I put up a Christmas tree and hung Jason's stocking.  Each day I have placed a message of hope in his stocking; a message of gratitude.  Every invitation that has been extended to me, I accepted even if I didn't feel like going; parties, plays, concerts, dinners and volunteering at church.  I even baked cookies!

I want Jay to have a peaceful soul; one not burdened by my sadness.  There isn't a day that I don't miss him or feel the ache in my heart.  Life is so different since Jay left us; but I am learning to live wholeheartedly and adjust to life with this hole in my heart.  Merry Christmas my son - I love you to the moon and back.

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
It's Christmas time and I'll miss you
You'll never know how much
The greatest thing I could get...

Would be just to feel your hug.
I know you're safe in Heaven
And you're as happy as can be
And I know that I'm being wishful
To want you here with me.
Have a lovely Christmas
I'll get by, you'll see
Just promise me on Christmas day
That you will think of me.

 Heard this song last week at a Christmas Concert and it made me cry; so beautiful  - Christmas in Heaven http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFmArzsGyEI

Angel On My Tree

My most precious Christmas Angel.  To all grieving parents God Bless You and take comfort in knowing you will see your baby again someday.  I saw this statement the other day; what happens when you take the "U" out of the word mourning?   Please listen to the song!

DAWN BEFORE THE MORNING - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8

Coincidence - Think Not....

Jay loved tying knots in my shoes; forever the joker.  I would go to put on a pair of boots and the laces would be tied together in knots.  Every night before bed I remove this necklace.  The prayer box contains my son's ashes and the angel wings bear his birthstone.  How surprised I was in the morning to find a perfect knot in my necklace.

This picture of the Tasmanian Devil is one of Jay's Christmas Ornaments.  In his younger years his nickname was "Taz".  I had just finished taking this picture when a documentary came on the television about a duck that had been rescued. The commentator says to the keeper what are you going to name her; and you guessed it - he named the duck "TAZ".

COINCIDENCES - THINK NOT!!!!

Voice of Truth

There is no greater fear or sadness then not knowing where your child is!  Each night I have prayed for comfort and assurance that Jay is okay.  I have been tormented that Jay may not be at peace or happy.  On December 5th, on my knees I cried hysterically and prayed for help.  I told the Lord I could not find the courage to move on and do his work without being at peace knowing Jay had found joy in heaven.  I was brought up in a religion that taught me that there was no salvation for sinners.  The Church preached to us from a very young age that if you sin "you go to hell" - end of story.  That thought which was so  impeded in my brain has many times affected my thinking when it comes to God.

When Jay was a little boy he was taught about prayers, God and attended church.  But from the time he was eleven and moved away - religion was no longer a part of his life.  That is until a special lady named Alana walked into his life with two small children (Linnea and James) who had God in their hearts.  In the months before Jay's passing, they would hold hands as a family and say grace at the table and Jay would always say Amen.  Jay would always come into the bedroom and say prayers with Linnea and James.  The kids and Alana loved Christian music and "Mr. Hard Rock Jay" would listen patiently in the car and in the house.  He was a BELIEVER!!! There are such falsehoods in the different religions - we are all sinners.  We do make mistakes but because of Jesus we continue to be forgiven.

The next day, I went to the cemetery to decorate for Christmas.  In  front of Jay's memorial stone placed purposely in a deep plant hole was a pamphlet titled "What is God Like?"  I looked around to see if any of the other stones had this pamphlet and they did not.  The words spoke volumes of the mercy of God for us sinners.  "No matter what sin you have committed, no matter how dirty, shameful or terrible it may be, God loves you. God's love provided a plan for redemption and salvation for sinful humans, God's love provided the cross of Jesus Christ by which we have forgiveness and cleansing.  The words that stood out the most were the following; for my Jay was a believer!

"God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16)

Last March I had this vision:
An Angel is standing with his back to me; all I can see is its white wings.  This angel is blocking something.  The Angel slowly turns and steps aside.  Then I see  Jay's beautiful smile and his body a blur of mist.  But the best part was Jay giving me that quick little wave that only Jay could do.

 My heart is calmed and I know that Jay is in a beautiful peaceful place. Someday soon I will
 see my sweet baby boy again....

 

Voice of Truth....beautiful song from Alana
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaVg0cWkgAw

Remembering a Child Gone Too Soon....

Love doesn’t end with death. Families that have had a child die understand that.  Held annually the second Sunday in December, the Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends who light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died too soon.   As candles burn down in one time zone, they are then lit in the next, creating a virtual 24-hour wave of light as the observance continues around the world.

                                       

"Lights of Love"                                           

                

Can you see our candles
Burning in the night?
Lights of love we send you
Rays of purest light.
...

Children we remember,
Though missing from our sight.
In honor and remembrance
We light our candles in the night.

All across the big blue marble,
Spinning out in space,
Can you see our candles burning,
From this human place?

Oh, angels gone before us,
Who taught us perfect love,
This night the world lights candles
So you may see them from
above.

Tonight the globe is lit by love,
Of those who know great sorrow.
But as we remember our
yesterdays
Let's light one candle for
tomorrow.

We will not forget,
And every year in deep December,
On Earth we light our candles
As........................we remember.

~unknown~

Gifts of The Sea

In my feeble brain, I truly believed that the Holidays would be easier this year.  Shoot it's the third season without my Jay, shouldn't I be prepared for the barrage of nostalgic emotions and memories that will flood my heart.  Nope Nope Nope!!!!!!!

After Church on Sunday I walked into the house; I felt the emptiness - the quiet was deafening.  There is such a big void in the house without Jay's physical being.  I stand in the middle of his room picturing him as I remembered him; sprawled out on his king size bed, watching TV, giving me one of mischievous grins.  My heart hurts; I am lonely -  keep moving keep moving I tell myself.

As I have done so many times before I head for the sea.  In many of my posts I have mentioned my passion for collecting sea glass over the past twenty years.  It wasn't until a couple years ago, that something special started to happen.  The one color of sea glass that always eluded me was the color red; chances of finding red is one in every 5,000.   On 7/24/11, my birthday - one year after Jay had passed I was looking for sea glass.  I was talking to Jay as I looked for glass - I told him that if I found red glass (which I never have) I would know that he was there with me.  Immediately, I found a red piece and then another.  Since Jay's passing I have found six pieces of red sea glass.  The times that I have found them are when my heart is at its heaviest. Initially I found no red sea glass and proceeded to get into my car to come home.  I will admit I was sad at not finding red glass.  Driving away I was moved to stop at a small secluded spot that is only accessible at low tide. As I jumped from the seawall unto the beach, I looked down to see where I was landing - there at my feet is this large piece of red sea glass you see here.   Coincidence? 

 Every time we receive what some call a coincidence or an answered prayer, it's a direct and personal message of reassurance from God to you - what would be called a "godwink". (When God Winks at you by Squire Rushnell)

The other gift that I continue to receive since Jay's passing; are rocks in the shape of a heart.  True treasures and subtle reminders that I live inside my Jay's heart.

  

Reflection:  Matthew 5:4 NLT
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

The Way

If you get a chance watch this movie called "The Way". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5VZKWcgw6c

This father finishes his deceased son's pilgrimage.  So many many messages about life and the love of a parent.

Two messages that I heard:;

• "You don't chose a life Dad - you LIVE one"
• "How old was your baby - he wasn't a baby he was almost 40 - (rebuttal) he will always be your baby" -

My Jay will always be my baby.  Miss him more than life today.

Song 'Live Like You Were Dying' - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxDkWBvxHEI

Walking In Hope

Today my sister and I donned our winter gear and trudged up Main Street for our walk.   Last Tuesday we experienced another snowfall with temperatures that dipped into the 20s. I posted a picture of this little pansy a week ago on 11/20/12 on my "Fear and Hope" entry.  As I walked along with my sister; I was anxious to see if this little glimmer of hope was still alive; sure enough it was.  My sister was so taken back by the site of this little flower blooming in the middle of winter that she insisted I take this picture. In her excitement she had me forward the picture to an individual with the words "Hope for the Hopeless." She was amazed by the tenacity of this little flower to live even when odds were against it.   HOPE she felt it and so did I for a second time in a week.  I am still smiling when I look at this snippet of life.

Grief, Sorrow, Heartache; all emotions that can cloud our vision to see the beauty all around us.  Someone very close to my heart struggles with a terrible hurt.  It troubles me to see how fear has taken away her joy for life.  I remind her over and over - don't ever give up HOPE.....

 Hope is the salve and holistic remedy to propel us forward to live again wholeheartedly and not just exist going through the motions.

We must never give up hope; be it hope for the healing of an illness, hope for a  better earth, hope for the return of a love one, hope for a failed marriage or my hope to see my Jay again someday.

Reflection: Psalm 130-5

"I wait for The Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."