Bru House Boyz

A Bond of Brothers

On Veterans Day I went to church to volunteer. As I was leaving a tow truck passed me.  On the back bumper was two crosses; just like the one that Jay had on the back of his truck.  This sticker was for the Bru house boyz; a special club of friends who all had quads (Matt Shea, Jay and Bobby Haggerty).  Driving away I had the Bru house boyz on my mind.

Being Veterans Day I decided to buy roses for Dad (a Navy Veteran) and of course one for Jay.

I am at the cemetery raking and picking up leaves at Jay and Dad’s Memorial.  I see a black SUV pull-up and think nothing of it.  That is until Bobby Haggerty stepped out of the car.

No coincidence; I never go to the cemetery on a Monday always on Sunday.  Bobby should have been working but had a gathering at the French Club.  There is no chance we would have gone to the cemetery at the same time.

Thank you my son for always sending me a sign……miss you like crazy.

 

 

Birdhouse and the Dragonfly

Late in the evening Tuesday, July 9^th   I went back to the cemetery to visit Jay again.  It was a long emotional day and my heart heavy from the memories of that awful day three years ago.  There are only a few people who continue to keep Jay’s memory alive.  They always remember his anniversary and birthday; I always get a tex message or a call.  One of those people is Jay’s best-friend Jared; he was the first one to reach out to me on Jay’s anniversary.    Even though he was out of town working he made arrangements to have a Harley birdhouse placed at the cemetery.  His unconditional love and commitment to Jay calms my heart.  Jared gives me bear hugs like my Jay; if I close my eyes – I can feel my son.

Sunday morning I had breakfast with Jared; I had something personal of Jay I wanted to give him.  Jared was touched and I knew I had made the right decision.  After attending Church I went to the cemetery as I always do.  As I was weeding and cleaning up around the memorial this blue-tailed dragonfly kept flying around me.  It flew so close to my face; that I could hear the beating of the wings.  It then lighted on the shepherds hook near me and continued to perch there for at least 15 minutes.  Even as I moved around; it lifted up in flight but came right back.   I opened my hand and it came and sat on my finger; it was unmoved by my walking around or taking pictures.  Eventually I put it back on the shepherd’s hook.  I knew Jay was showing me that he was happy and appreciated what I did for his buddy Jared that morning.  A half hour had passed and the dragonfly was still with me. Leaving I turned to get one last look – the blue tailed dragonfly was gone.

                      

The Man at the Cemetery

Went today to water the plants at the cemetery; it has been so hot.  I half expect now that I will see a dragonfly when I get there; so I did.  It makes me giggle inside knowing Jay is always waiting for me when I get there

The Shepard’s Hook that holds the Harley Birdhouse needs replacing.  One of the metal legs is bent and I am afraid it will fall and damage Jay’s Memorial stone.   I decided when I left the cemetery to go and buy a new on; I would replace it tomorrow.  Paranoid about something happening; I went back tonight to the cemetery to put up the new hook.  As I pulled up to Jay’s Memorial, I noticed a truck with a skull attached to the trailer hitch.  In my mind, I’m thinking Jay would have like that.  Looking around, I didn’t see anyone; thought maybe it was one of the walkers I see there frequently.  I was struggling to remove the hook when this young man around Jay’s age asked if he could help me.  He was so kind and even put the old hook by my car.   When done I shook his hand and introduced myself.  He said “nice to meet you – my name is Jay Jay”…..I started to cry.  I explained that was my son’s nickname.  He told me of a terrible motorcycle accident he was involved in August 2009; he spoke of being two weeks in a coma and the long road to his recovery.  Then he say’s “want to hear something crazier – my mom’s name is Nancy”.  But, she is up there with your son. 

Live Like Jay

“Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead.”   Frederick Buechner

July 9^th 2013 will mark the third anniversary of my Jay’s untimely accident.  Being a logical person, I truly believed that this year would not be as hard as year one and year two.  I look at where I was three years ago compared to today; I am stronger, wiser and learning; pushing myself to live my life without Jay in it.  But the devastation started to settle in once the calendar changed to July 1^st.  

Grief is such an angry beast!  He is relentless in his quest to strip me of hope and joy.  The beast knocks me back down and detours my journey of healing.  The sadness makes me tired and I cry so much more than I normally do.  Stinkin thinkin magnifies itself; I start to question my existence here on earth.  Am I ever going to do more than just exist day to day waiting for joy to return.   I’m sad.  Brokenhearted and wounded.  My Jay is momentarily gone from me, taken without notice, way too soon for my liking.

But always in true fashion, my Jay finds a way of sending a message to me from behind the veil.   Renting movies is my way of keeping my mind quiet.  I picked this movie called “Chasing Mavericks”; I thought it was a horse movie.  Unbeknownst to me it was a true story of “Jay Moriarty” a surfer who lived only 22 short years. 

At the end of the movie this sign comes across the screen; “Live Like Jay”.    When the community in California says “Live Like Jay”.  It means to enjoy every day and live in the moment.  Take the time to appreciate the people around you.   I cry alligator tears “okay my Jay okay.”

One month before Jay passed he wrote the following on the chalkboard in the basement.

“Gotta look this world in the eye. Gotta live this life until you die”

Love you my son to the moon and back for always...miss you like crazy

The Lord Sent An Army

I have walked around the last couple days replaying the experience that transpired on Sunday in Church.  A small voice in my head told me I should share with you what happened.  Trauma of losing my son Jay has left such a large hole in my heart; it is a monumental task to be in a place of grace and joy at times.

There are two passages in the bible that I hang onto with every fiber of my being.  I read them over and over; they give me hope that someday I will be alive again and not just existing on this journey called grief.

·         Jeremiah 31:13 “I will turn mourning into gladness….I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.” 

·         Jeremiah 29:11 “I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord – plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

 Sunday when Pastor called those to the altar; I thought to myself I am not going up again.  I have gone to the altar so many times not only here but in South Carolina and Florida.  Always with the same burden: desperate for comfort and healing….desperate to know God’s plan for me.   I have to believe that Jay’s death will not be in vain – that some good will come from it.

 As I stood in the back of the church; I prayed with all my heart that the Lord would send me an ARMY to heal the brokenness in my heart.  

My sister asked me to go with her to the altar; she didn’t want to go alone.  I went with the intent of just being present for her.  As I stood behind her the need for my own prayer was overwhelming so I stepped over to pray.   I felt the Pastor’s presence behind me also praying.  I thought why me!  Then he looked at me and said I am not trying to embarrass you, but feel we need to do this.  The next statement he made were the most profound words.  He said “I want all men to come and pray for her."  In all my years of attending Church I never heard Pastor ask for just the men to come and pray.

Pastor had called an ARMY of men………..my dear Lord heard me.  I have Hope!

Too Many Coincidences Not To Mention....

 

This year I seriously thought I was better equipped to handle Mother's Day.  That is so far from the truth; yesterday and today has been an emotional upheaval of memories and feelings.  I  cried alligator tears one minute and the next I am unleashing anger over Jason's death on my baby sister (yes I have apologized profusely - thank God she understood and was sympathetic).  Mitch Carmody who speaks on grief sent this message to the grieving Mothers of Compassionate Friends:
"No matter how many years will pass - your heart will hurt this day.  Like a glowing ember flaring up the pain returns your way.  There is nothing that can be said, nothing anyone can do.  No one can heal the pain inside of you. It is your pain, the greatest burden a mother can bear. Find solace the best you can in knowing a mother's love transcends all time and space.  And no matter where your child is - they will feel your heart's embrace."

And so in true fashion my son let's me know he is near:

1. Yesterday a lady approached me - she had on a beautiful dragonfly necklace. (Jay's poem - the Dragonfly)
2.  Immediately after leaving the parking lot - a truck passed me; attached to the front of his grill was a Tasmanian Devil (Jay's nickname in school)
3. I received this card from Compassionate Friends; yes I am Forever Jay's Mom           
4. As I left the cemetery this morning; I turned and said to Jay please visit me today. When I got into the car I received this tex. "Happy Mother's Day - I love you to the moon and back".  Yes it was from my sweet Morgan but I also knew that Jay found a way to let me know that he loves me to the moon and back also.
5. Home after the cemetery; I felt so tired.  Crying takes so much energy physically and mentally. I decided to lay down for awhile - but something told me to look outside.  Perched on my deck railing was the most beautiful orange oriole.  Never saw a bird like this in my yard ever; Jay knows how much I love the birds. 
6. But the best of all messages came late tonight after I left my youngest son.  It was dusk but I could see something shiny in the bushes at the edge of the woods.  It was this balloon that had gotten away from someone and made it's way to my home - "YOU'RE A GREAT MOM"

 There are no coincidences; things happen for a reason.  Mitch is right; my Jay he always feels my heart's embrace.  Miss my son and love him to the moon and back for always.  God Bless all grieving Moms this day.


When You Take A Step Backwards

Jay’s last entry on his Facebook status simply said:

“Everyday seems to be a little easier than the last.  I just can’t wait till the day when I can just enjoy today”.

 When I saw this message yesterday I thought to myself it was as if Jay had written this for me also.  Being back in Connecticut for the last 10 days after spending three months away has been such an emotional roller-coaster for me.  I have lost my sure footing! Triggers triggers triggers they are everywhere in Windham.  Being away allowed me to heal; there wasn’t the constant reminder that my Jay is really gone.  The downstairs where Jay stayed is empty and void of his presence.  It echoes with emptiness; no familiar sounds, no laughter, no familiar smells – just quiet. The telephone pole that took him away from us looms ominously a 1/8 of a mile from my driveway.  Visiting the cemetery after so many months and seeing his handsome face on a stone of granite; just felt so unreal.   Last Sunday, as I hugged his stone feeling the cold against my cheek; all I wished for was one more Jay hug.  In true Jay fashion I get my wish!  Stopping at a local IGA to pick up a few things – Jay’s best friend Jared is there and his is wearing Jay’s Memorial shirt.  He gives me one of Jay’s bear hugs.  Jay sent me Jared when he couldn't be there himself.  Monday I was still struggling; as I sat in the dentist office a dental technician came in; on her neck was tattooed the most beautiful blue-tailed dragonfly.  My best friend said it so eloquently “Jay always sends you strength”.  That he does and I am trying harder today.

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 Excerpt from by Hope For The Broken Hearted: Everyone does grieve differently, but most people will share this same experience... you will be going along, thinking that you are doing well and then a song, a smell or something unexpected will pop up, and it will hit you hard... you will feel so overcome with grief, that it feels like you are back to square one with your pain. If you are aware that it can happen...and more importantly, that it's normal and that others experience the same thing, it won't throw you for such a loop... you will realize you're not back at square one, you've only taken a step backward and you will not remain stuck there... you will soon be able to continue where you left off in your healing journey.

Blue- Tailed Dragonfly and The Next Destination On This Journey

For the last couple days the events of that morning Jay left us has played out in my dreams and conscience mind leaving me vulnerable to tears and now my stomach hurting again (a tell-tale sign that I am regressing).  Early yesterday morning as I sat on the porch drinking my coffee, a dragonfly lighted ever gently on a branch on one of the bushes.   As many of you already know the dragonfly has such a deep meaning for me since Jay’s passing.  On the one year anniversary of his accident the poem “The Dragonfly” was read about a blue-tailed dragonfly.  The following link is a copy of the poem:

http://www.goldenretrieverforum.com/1611138-post1.html

So when I see a dragonfly - I take it as a message from Jay and God that he is all right and  he misses me too.  But this day I wasn’t consoled by this sign; I went on with my day.  Two hours later, I took a long walk and came back to find this dragonfly still dancing around on the same branch even the same leaf.  Still I didn’t pay it much attention.   Going on with my day; grocery shopping etc etc. – I sat down once again on the porch to have something to drink.  Six hours later this dragonfly is on the same branch, same leaf, doing the same crazy little dance.  Almost as if it was being silly; tail up – tail down – fly in a circle land on the same branch same leaf. 

Now this dragonfly has my attention; six hours has passed and it was still hanging around.  I grabbed my camera with the long lens to get a closer look thinking I was missing something.  Florida has so many species of dragonflies; but this one was special! As you can see in the picture she is a beautiful Blue-Tailed Dragonfly; now I am smiling and feeling peace come over me.   But here is the best part she allowed me to take 20 or 30 pictures; almost posing.  Then as if on cue, when I was done and went into the house – she flew away – I never saw her again.  Her work here was done……..

As for the next part of my journey; initially when I started writing this blog I committed to writing for a minimum of one year.   I can’t believe it but the one year mark is fast approaching on May 1^st.  The purpose of this blog was to bring healing to my heart as well as the hearts of other bereaved parents.   I shared my grief journey that began over two years ago to tell parents; it is not an easy path but there is HOPE - you can learn to live again.  God has been a navigator on this journey of grief; I am never alone.  He brings me comfort in the hardest of times.  Starting next month I will be leading the CROSSROAD OF HOPE grief program at my Church for those who have lost a spouse, child, family member or friend, and have found there are not many people who understand the deep hurt they feel.  My hope is to help these individuals face these challenges and move towards rebuilding their life by looking to the word of the Lord.

Message - 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,  who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Celebrating Jay

This weekend I drove four hours to a small town called Palm Bay Florida to be with Jay’s second family the Nahass.  Jay spent the summer before his accident with this extended family.  It was the happiest I had ever seen him.  The most beautiful peaceful pictures of Jay were taken when he was in Florida with them; you could see in his eyes that all was well with his soul.

So months ago, we planned on a celebration for our Jay in Florida.  All the way from Connecticut, I drove with some of Jay’s ashes safety tucked into my car.  The plan was to take Jay’s ashes to the beach that he loved so much and where the happy pictures of him were taken.  I love the message that Brian posted on Saturday; it says it all.  

“Today my dear friend we ride together again for one last ride to set your ashes to the wind and rest your soul in a place you were so very happy. Miss you brother.”

Safely tucking Jay’s ashes into the Harley along with Jay’s shirt (he is wearing in the picture); we rode in honor of Jay to the beach.  With heavy hearts and many tears we listened to Aaron Lewis, Jay's favorite musician.  Brandy – their children Zach and Morgan followed; we had our own little entourage

When we arrived at the beach; the majesty took my breath away and I understood why Jay loved it so much there.  Morgan and Zach at the water’s edge sent Jay’s ashes to the wind; I just knew Jay was smiling down on all of us.            

                                                               

                                                                                                              

The most beautiful gift that this family gave me this weekend was the memories.  They are not afraid to talk about Jay for fear of upsetting me.  They laughed – told me stories and said his name over and over again; music to a grieving Mother’s heart.  I adore this family for they continue to love my Jay; they loved him unconditionally when he was physically here and they continue to love him unconditionally in spirit.

As I drove to Palm Bay yesterday, I looked for signs from Jay; specifically campers that say’s “Jay’s Feather.” I guess I wanted to know that he was happy with what I was doing.  But to no avail did I see one.  Leaving Palm Bay today; heading up the ramp to Hwy. 95, I  whisper “I hope my son that I made you smile.”   A camper with the words “Jay’s Feather” immediately passed me – now I was smiling!!!!!

Tree Woman - Jeremiah 31:13

  This picture totally exemplifies me; a mother in mourning trying to live again; the tree woman is dead on one side and alive and blooming on the other.  My dear friend Tina purchased this picture for me.  It was created by an artist in her church.  So thankful for such a precious gift and the blessing of her friendship.

The last 24 hours has been a challenge for me; grief once again nipping at my heels.  Blessings and messages have been coming through so strong.  Yesterday, I glanced over and saw in big letters on a license plate the word "Jay".  Then Jay's best friend sent me a picture of Jay's memorial where they had placed beautiful aqua blue orbs in memory of Jay's crystal blue eyes and solar lights; my Jay is loved.  Then today, the repair man for my dishwasher spoke of his grandson and showed me a picture.  My heart said; ask what his name is for I knew it would have something to do with Jay.  It did; we call him JJ he said - omg I said out loud JayJay is one of  my son's nicknames.  Then Tina sends me this picture of the painting she bought for me; comfort in a storm.

 My God sends me comfort when the sorrow paralyzes me on this journey called "grief".

Bible Verse: Jeremiah 31:13

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

The Lesson Of The Butterfly

Today I heard this story in Church and I thought of all the parents that have lost a child and their struggles with grief.

"A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.

The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.

The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shriveled wings, incapable of flight.
 
What the man, in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings. It would then be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

I immediately thought that the cocoon was such a strong symbolism for the grief of a parent.  In the beginning all is dark; we are frozen in time, existing but not really alive.  But slowly and when we are ready: emerge from our dark exhausting state of being called grief.  As grieving parents we push through - laboring through the many stages of grief; fighting to get back to the living.  Then one day and only in our due time, for there is no rushing grief; we hear ourselves laugh, hear the birds sing and learn to live again.

God Bless all parents who have lost a child.

Refection
"So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

I Thought It Was You...

I am week five of my sojourn here in the South.  The warm weather and sunshine has been very healing   As I walked the beach the other day, I thought to myself - I am doing better.  When two separate people asked me if I had any children – of course my reply was “Yes, I have two boys”.  Then the dreaded questions begin “what do they do for a living – are they married” etc. etc. I was able to answer their questions and talk about Jay without falling into tears.   This is how I knew I am healing! 

But then, I stumbled!  Sitting at the beach, I looked up to see a young man who looked like Jay coming towards me.  They say everyone has a twin – this was Jays’.  The same body type – the way he walked – the beard – the bald head; even the way he scratched his chin.  The emptiness of not seeing or hugging Jay for 2 ½ years came pouring in with a vengeance.  I wanted to run up and hug the guy; I wanted to hear him laugh.  Instead, I just kept sneaking a look at him and taking pictures when he wasn’t looking. Crazy woman alert; I am stalking an innocent bystander.  But who ever said a grieving mother wasn’t crazy.

Yes I stubbed my toe and it took me a couple days to regain my footing.  Yes the grief grabbed me by the shirttail and wrestled me to the ground.  BUT AND THIS IS A REALLY BIG BUT!  I know I am healing; for what use to take my weeks to regain my footing now only takes me hours or in this case a few days.

I miss my Jay and I carry him with me always. But, I keep living for Brandon, for Jay and importantly for myself.  God Bless all grieving parents. 

Bad Dream - Good Morning

Last night I had a dream about my Jay; he was a little boy around five or six years of age.  Jay was so distraught and sad crying his little eyes out.  It broke my heart to see him so heartbroken as I tried to console him.  I woke up feeling very heavy laden and broken myself.

Turning on the television to find distraction in the news; my sad morning turned into a good morning. The feature story was about an “Airbus” (you know those metallic spaceship looking vehicles that people use to travel around the country) rally that was being held locally.   They went on to say that this year they decided to include some other RVs.  To my surprise and tears the RV they showcased was the one called “Jay Feather and Jay Flight”.   Since Jay’s passing there is a handful of signs (dragonflies – red sea glass) that I know with certainty are from my Jay.  Many times I have written in my blog about seeing “Jay Flight or Jay Feather” when I needed to know Jay was still with me. 

Today was a gift from my Jay; the bond between my son and I is forever.  Just because I can’t physically hug him – somehow Jay always sends me a spiritual hug.

Copper Dragonfly

A day does not go by that I do not think about Jay, but I know that he is looking down on me and is proud that I use the tragedy of his death to help others who have also lost a child.  I haven’t written not for lack of desire but for lack of a peaceful heart.  This Wednesday makes two weeks that I have left the gray and cold weather of Connecticut; for the warmth of the sun in the South.

My challenge has been being here alone; solitude has been a time of healing but I find at times that I get lost in my thoughts and grief  slips back in. A couple days had gone by and I was feeling more sadness than peace in my heart.  I was in a parking lot sitting in my car.  My dear friend and I were talking about my Jay and of course the tears started to flow.  As if queued; a beautiful copper dragonfly with the most beautiful iridescent wings started darting back and forth across my windshield. I had the convertible top down and now the dragonfly is in and out of my car.  It wasn’t leaving; I am so excited - my Jay always comes when I need him the most.  He gives me a sign and always lets me know he is near.

Today was a better day; I made a point of meeting new people.  I stood at the edge of the ocean plucking seashells from her shore; sending the people back home pictures of the beautiful beach.  In my heart I was at peace; I am not alone – I will always have my Jay and God.

Reflection: Psalm 126:5
"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy."

Beam Me Up

Today is one of those days where the journey of grief wears heavy on my heart.  Sometimes the reality of my son's death just blindsides me.  Just for one moment I would love to feel a Jay hug, hear a deep Jason guttural laugh or see the sparkle in his eyes.  Heard this song today; wish I could be beamed up to where you are my son. "In my head, I see your baby blues"

 Tomorrow I will try again.  God Bless all grieving parents.

Beam Me Up.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo

There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parallel universe
Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Reflection

 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you" (John 14:27)

New Year's Resolutions

Last night as I said my prayers; I continue to ask for the changes that I need for 2013.  I pray that I have the courage and strength to live my life more joyfully, to face my obstacles without fear/defeat and to be more gentle with myself; expecting more than what I am capable of being.  This is the message I received; when I went to my web-page. A calmness came to my heart.

"Be strong and courageous...The Lord will be with you wherever you go." - Joshua 1:9

I subscribe to this wonderful site called the "Griefbox".  They posted this list of "New Year's Resolutions for those who Grieve.  So apropos...