To the Parents of the Sandy Hook Children

"Hope Is The Only Thing Stronger

Than Fear"

God Bless the parents; for their grief - for their sorrow - for their empty arms.  I understand the loss of a child and my heart grieves with you.

A Christmas Present

This will be my third Christmas without my sweet boy.   The great sadness still tugs at my heart when I hear a Christmas Song or when reality rears its ugly head knowing there will be an empty chair at the family dinner table.   The memories flood my mind of Christmases past; some make me smile and some make me cry. But this year is different; I don't feel the great sadness 24/7.

I know with certainty that my Jay hears me when I cry and he can feel my sorrow.  Soul to soul; a Mother and child are forever connected.  So this year, I decided that I would give my Jay a special gift for Christmas; the gift of life.  I was going to be part of the Christmas season and not just a bystander wishing it all to go away. I put up a Christmas tree and hung Jason's stocking.  Each day I have placed a message of hope in his stocking; a message of gratitude.  Every invitation that has been extended to me, I accepted even if I didn't feel like going; parties, plays, concerts, dinners and volunteering at church.  I even baked cookies!

I want Jay to have a peaceful soul; one not burdened by my sadness.  There isn't a day that I don't miss him or feel the ache in my heart.  Life is so different since Jay left us; but I am learning to live wholeheartedly and adjust to life with this hole in my heart.  Merry Christmas my son - I love you to the moon and back.

A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
It's Christmas time and I'll miss you
You'll never know how much
The greatest thing I could get...

Would be just to feel your hug.
I know you're safe in Heaven
And you're as happy as can be
And I know that I'm being wishful
To want you here with me.
Have a lovely Christmas
I'll get by, you'll see
Just promise me on Christmas day
That you will think of me.

 Heard this song last week at a Christmas Concert and it made me cry; so beautiful  - Christmas in Heaven http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFmArzsGyEI

Angel On My Tree

My most precious Christmas Angel.  To all grieving parents God Bless You and take comfort in knowing you will see your baby again someday.  I saw this statement the other day; what happens when you take the "U" out of the word mourning?   Please listen to the song!

DAWN BEFORE THE MORNING - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=New8i_eX3x8

Coincidence - Think Not....

Jay loved tying knots in my shoes; forever the joker.  I would go to put on a pair of boots and the laces would be tied together in knots.  Every night before bed I remove this necklace.  The prayer box contains my son's ashes and the angel wings bear his birthstone.  How surprised I was in the morning to find a perfect knot in my necklace.

This picture of the Tasmanian Devil is one of Jay's Christmas Ornaments.  In his younger years his nickname was "Taz".  I had just finished taking this picture when a documentary came on the television about a duck that had been rescued. The commentator says to the keeper what are you going to name her; and you guessed it - he named the duck "TAZ".

COINCIDENCES - THINK NOT!!!!

Voice of Truth

There is no greater fear or sadness then not knowing where your child is!  Each night I have prayed for comfort and assurance that Jay is okay.  I have been tormented that Jay may not be at peace or happy.  On December 5th, on my knees I cried hysterically and prayed for help.  I told the Lord I could not find the courage to move on and do his work without being at peace knowing Jay had found joy in heaven.  I was brought up in a religion that taught me that there was no salvation for sinners.  The Church preached to us from a very young age that if you sin "you go to hell" - end of story.  That thought which was so  impeded in my brain has many times affected my thinking when it comes to God.

When Jay was a little boy he was taught about prayers, God and attended church.  But from the time he was eleven and moved away - religion was no longer a part of his life.  That is until a special lady named Alana walked into his life with two small children (Linnea and James) who had God in their hearts.  In the months before Jay's passing, they would hold hands as a family and say grace at the table and Jay would always say Amen.  Jay would always come into the bedroom and say prayers with Linnea and James.  The kids and Alana loved Christian music and "Mr. Hard Rock Jay" would listen patiently in the car and in the house.  He was a BELIEVER!!! There are such falsehoods in the different religions - we are all sinners.  We do make mistakes but because of Jesus we continue to be forgiven.

The next day, I went to the cemetery to decorate for Christmas.  In  front of Jay's memorial stone placed purposely in a deep plant hole was a pamphlet titled "What is God Like?"  I looked around to see if any of the other stones had this pamphlet and they did not.  The words spoke volumes of the mercy of God for us sinners.  "No matter what sin you have committed, no matter how dirty, shameful or terrible it may be, God loves you. God's love provided a plan for redemption and salvation for sinful humans, God's love provided the cross of Jesus Christ by which we have forgiveness and cleansing.  The words that stood out the most were the following; for my Jay was a believer!

"God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that WHOSOEVER BELIEVETH IN HIM SHOULD NOT PERISH, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16)

Last March I had this vision:
An Angel is standing with his back to me; all I can see is its white wings.  This angel is blocking something.  The Angel slowly turns and steps aside.  Then I see  Jay's beautiful smile and his body a blur of mist.  But the best part was Jay giving me that quick little wave that only Jay could do.

 My heart is calmed and I know that Jay is in a beautiful peaceful place. Someday soon I will
 see my sweet baby boy again....

 

Voice of Truth....beautiful song from Alana
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VaVg0cWkgAw

Remembering a Child Gone Too Soon....

Love doesn’t end with death. Families that have had a child die understand that.  Held annually the second Sunday in December, the Worldwide Candle Lighting unites family and friends who light candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died too soon.   As candles burn down in one time zone, they are then lit in the next, creating a virtual 24-hour wave of light as the observance continues around the world.

                                       

"Lights of Love"                                           

                

Can you see our candles
Burning in the night?
Lights of love we send you
Rays of purest light.
...

Children we remember,
Though missing from our sight.
In honor and remembrance
We light our candles in the night.

All across the big blue marble,
Spinning out in space,
Can you see our candles burning,
From this human place?

Oh, angels gone before us,
Who taught us perfect love,
This night the world lights candles
So you may see them from
above.

Tonight the globe is lit by love,
Of those who know great sorrow.
But as we remember our
yesterdays
Let's light one candle for
tomorrow.

We will not forget,
And every year in deep December,
On Earth we light our candles
As........................we remember.

~unknown~

Gifts of The Sea

In my feeble brain, I truly believed that the Holidays would be easier this year.  Shoot it's the third season without my Jay, shouldn't I be prepared for the barrage of nostalgic emotions and memories that will flood my heart.  Nope Nope Nope!!!!!!!

After Church on Sunday I walked into the house; I felt the emptiness - the quiet was deafening.  There is such a big void in the house without Jay's physical being.  I stand in the middle of his room picturing him as I remembered him; sprawled out on his king size bed, watching TV, giving me one of mischievous grins.  My heart hurts; I am lonely -  keep moving keep moving I tell myself.

As I have done so many times before I head for the sea.  In many of my posts I have mentioned my passion for collecting sea glass over the past twenty years.  It wasn't until a couple years ago, that something special started to happen.  The one color of sea glass that always eluded me was the color red; chances of finding red is one in every 5,000.   On 7/24/11, my birthday - one year after Jay had passed I was looking for sea glass.  I was talking to Jay as I looked for glass - I told him that if I found red glass (which I never have) I would know that he was there with me.  Immediately, I found a red piece and then another.  Since Jay's passing I have found six pieces of red sea glass.  The times that I have found them are when my heart is at its heaviest. Initially I found no red sea glass and proceeded to get into my car to come home.  I will admit I was sad at not finding red glass.  Driving away I was moved to stop at a small secluded spot that is only accessible at low tide. As I jumped from the seawall unto the beach, I looked down to see where I was landing - there at my feet is this large piece of red sea glass you see here.   Coincidence? 

 Every time we receive what some call a coincidence or an answered prayer, it's a direct and personal message of reassurance from God to you - what would be called a "godwink". (When God Winks at you by Squire Rushnell)

The other gift that I continue to receive since Jay's passing; are rocks in the shape of a heart.  True treasures and subtle reminders that I live inside my Jay's heart.

  

Reflection:  Matthew 5:4 NLT
God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

The Way

If you get a chance watch this movie called "The Way". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5VZKWcgw6c

This father finishes his deceased son's pilgrimage.  So many many messages about life and the love of a parent.

Two messages that I heard:;

• "You don't chose a life Dad - you LIVE one"
• "How old was your baby - he wasn't a baby he was almost 40 - (rebuttal) he will always be your baby" -

My Jay will always be my baby.  Miss him more than life today.

Song 'Live Like You Were Dying' - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LxDkWBvxHEI