Walking In Hope

Today my sister and I donned our winter gear and trudged up Main Street for our walk.   Last Tuesday we experienced another snowfall with temperatures that dipped into the 20s. I posted a picture of this little pansy a week ago on 11/20/12 on my "Fear and Hope" entry.  As I walked along with my sister; I was anxious to see if this little glimmer of hope was still alive; sure enough it was.  My sister was so taken back by the site of this little flower blooming in the middle of winter that she insisted I take this picture. In her excitement she had me forward the picture to an individual with the words "Hope for the Hopeless." She was amazed by the tenacity of this little flower to live even when odds were against it.   HOPE she felt it and so did I for a second time in a week.  I am still smiling when I look at this snippet of life.

Grief, Sorrow, Heartache; all emotions that can cloud our vision to see the beauty all around us.  Someone very close to my heart struggles with a terrible hurt.  It troubles me to see how fear has taken away her joy for life.  I remind her over and over - don't ever give up HOPE.....

 Hope is the salve and holistic remedy to propel us forward to live again wholeheartedly and not just exist going through the motions.

We must never give up hope; be it hope for the healing of an illness, hope for a  better earth, hope for the return of a love one, hope for a failed marriage or my hope to see my Jay again someday.

Reflection: Psalm 130-5

"I wait for The Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."

Thanksgiving

AND FOR THIS I GIVE THANKS.....................



My Youngest Son - Brandon - my life and my rock



This will be the third holiday season without my son here in the physical sense.  On that first Thanksgiving the empty chair and place at the table seemed to scream out at me that someone precious was missing. And the message of this particular holiday was thankfulness? What on earth could I ever find to be thankful for?  In all honesty, I cannot tell you even one detail of that first one: where I spent it, who was present, where I was, or if I cried all day.  I am sure the numbness factor of early grief shielded me from the memory of something that was so inconceivable...that my precious son was gone...forever.

Three Thanksgiving's later,  I have found reasons to be thankful:

1. For my youngest son Brandon.  He gives me purpose to continue living.  His excitement over the  simple things in life; hayrides, camping, hanging Christmas Lights etc. fills my heart with Joy.  Brandon's love heals my pain and drives me harder to go on.
2. For my faith in God which has given me the courage to get up each day and live life instead of wanting to just give up.  Prayer and the word of the Gospel gives me Hope and brings peace into my heart.  There is a purpose in this life for me and I know that it will unfold when the time is right.
3. My memory, because now the painful memories are, more often than not, replaced with the beautiful  memories of the past.
4. My life, for whom else will keep Jason's memory alive? Of course, my family, but they have lives, as they should. I am the self-appointed keeper of my son's memory.
5. Smiling a genuine smile, laughing a hardy laugh, and finding my sense of humor again. I sincerely believe that Jay likes to hear me laugh and that he would want me to find humor in life again.
6. For my dear friends and family who have patiently waited as I wander this journey called grief. For  allowing me to grieve on my own terms and in my own time.

God Bless The Parents Who Have An Angel In Heaven

Reflection:

John 16:33 "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world"

Fear and Hope

Two o'clock in the afternoon I am staring at myself in the bathroom mirror; hair disheveled still dressed in my bright red pajamas.  It has been a tough three weeks commencing with Jay's birthday and culminating with the Holidays fast approaching.  There has been so many family issues; all way to  personal to discuss here.  Nonetheless a catalyst for my lack of energy and  lest not forget I am in mourning for my son.  Determined to do different; I dressed to face the elements outside.  I was going to take a walk even if it was only 41 degrees.  Looking like a giant brown walrus up Main Street I went.  As I rounded the corner a glimpse of color caught my eye.  Mid-November and this beautiful yellow pansy was raising its petals to the heat of the sun.  This one little plant had survived the deluge of rain and wind brought on by Hurricane Sandy.  Then a week later it was covered and survived the first snow storm of the year.  This was my aha moment; Hope that's what this little snippet of nature was showing me.  Through all the trials and obstacles - nature NEVER gives up hope.  It prevails - renews itself and keeps moving forward.  I will never give up Hoping.......

"Hope Is The Only Thing Stronger

Than Fear"

Refection:

1 Corinthians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love.

A Single Mom

I was reading an article by Deepak Chopra and statements that he made so resonated with the loss of my Jay.  He said to a grieving mother "You were living through your son, AS OFTEN HAPPENS WITH SINGLE MOMS.  He became part of you, and when he died, part of your identity went with him. With the sudden separation of accidental death, you were wrenched apart, all the feelings you have now are the result of not being able to assemble a whole person out of the fragments left behind."  He is so right since Jason's death I am awkward with life.   An amputee whose limitation are not visible to another person...for the missing part is my heart.



As a Single Mom we were "the Power of Three"



Excerpt "The Invitation" - Oriah Mountain Dreamer

"I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain. I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children."

Reflection
"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you."  Joshua 1:5 " -be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:9

Left Behind

Message from my best friend who also lost her older brother:
 "My best friend lost her oldest son 2 years and 4 months ago. In addition to his grieving parents, he left behind his younger brother.  I cannot begin to imagine the enormous loss that grieving parents suffer, but I have felt the enormous loss that a sibling suffers.  The remaining children witness their parents pain, see the emptiness in their eyes and don't want to burden them with how they are feeling, so many siblings grieve in silence." 

Jason's birthday was last week on October 31, 2012.  The picture you see below was sent to me by a friend of my youngest son as he sat with his Jay-Jay on his birthday.  This image speaks volumes of the hurt and heartache in my son's heart; of a brother left behind.  My son always acts so strong and so together around me.  I know he thinks I hurt enough without having to watch him grieve; he goes to incredible lengths to hide his pain from me.   As a parent I could fix just about anything whether it was a broken toy, a difficult homework problem or a wound. This is the  first time I can’t solve the problem and make it better for my son.  As a Mom it is so hard and breaks my heart; I can't fix this one.......

When a child has died, siblings are often referred to as “the forgotten mourners.” While parents usually receive most of the support of relatives and friends, siblings generally receive little—often being asked “How are your parents doing?”

When a sibling dies, all future special occasions will be forever changed. There will be no more shared birthday celebrations, anniversaries, or holidays. There will be no telephone calls telling of the birth of a new nephew or niece. The sharing of life’s unique and special events will never again take place. 

 When your parents die, it is said you lose your past; when your spouse dies, you lose your present; and when your child dies, you lose your future. However, when your sibling dies, you lose a part of your past, your present, and your future.

REFLECTION - Psalm 9:9

The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble.

Gifts From A Friend

To my best friend Robyn; without you I could NEVER have survived this journey. Publicly I want to thank you for always being by my side. I saw this passage and thought immediately of you.  Love you to the Moon and Back......

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."

Tears of An Angel

  

My former Mother-in-law died on Monday October 29th.  We are all sad over her departure.  My youngest says to me "I asked Jay to go meet Grandma."  Aw he just touched my heart!! I say to him I think Uncle Teddy (my brother-in-law who was 48 when he passed) was there to meet Jay.  No Mom; he says with surety "it was Pep (my father)"  I know because I have dreamt it so many times.  In my dream Pep is giving Jay a hard time and says to him "Why do you make your Mother cry."  Crazy....

I have three Angels in heaven; My Father, Teddy and Jay.  I miss them all.

Beautiful Song - Tears of An Angel - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gg4zxY1vF1w&feature=related

An Angel whispered take my hand and come with me ... you're work here is done.

I went away to a place where there's no tears, nor sorrow only laughter and smiles, there will always be a tomorrow.

As I move amongst the clouds. I'll look down and smile upon you, while the angels sing a heavenly song.

I am not alone all who went before are here they awaited my return.

I know you'll grieve  and wish I was still here - I am here in the memories you hold dear.

Remember how much I love you and know I took your love with me.

I did not wish for you to cry, nor feel sad - My pain is gone and I am Free!

Soon you'll come to me - until then - God will be with you Just as He's with me.

~ Diana Blokzyl