Celebrating Jay

This weekend I drove four hours to a small town called Palm Bay Florida to be with Jay’s second family the Nahass.  Jay spent the summer before his accident with this extended family.  It was the happiest I had ever seen him.  The most beautiful peaceful pictures of Jay were taken when he was in Florida with them; you could see in his eyes that all was well with his soul.

So months ago, we planned on a celebration for our Jay in Florida.  All the way from Connecticut, I drove with some of Jay’s ashes safety tucked into my car.  The plan was to take Jay’s ashes to the beach that he loved so much and where the happy pictures of him were taken.  I love the message that Brian posted on Saturday; it says it all.  

“Today my dear friend we ride together again for one last ride to set your ashes to the wind and rest your soul in a place you were so very happy. Miss you brother.”

Safely tucking Jay’s ashes into the Harley along with Jay’s shirt (he is wearing in the picture); we rode in honor of Jay to the beach.  With heavy hearts and many tears we listened to Aaron Lewis, Jay's favorite musician.  Brandy – their children Zach and Morgan followed; we had our own little entourage

When we arrived at the beach; the majesty took my breath away and I understood why Jay loved it so much there.  Morgan and Zach at the water’s edge sent Jay’s ashes to the wind; I just knew Jay was smiling down on all of us.            

                                                               

                                                                                                              

The most beautiful gift that this family gave me this weekend was the memories.  They are not afraid to talk about Jay for fear of upsetting me.  They laughed – told me stories and said his name over and over again; music to a grieving Mother’s heart.  I adore this family for they continue to love my Jay; they loved him unconditionally when he was physically here and they continue to love him unconditionally in spirit.

As I drove to Palm Bay yesterday, I looked for signs from Jay; specifically campers that say’s “Jay’s Feather.” I guess I wanted to know that he was happy with what I was doing.  But to no avail did I see one.  Leaving Palm Bay today; heading up the ramp to Hwy. 95, I  whisper “I hope my son that I made you smile.”   A camper with the words “Jay’s Feather” immediately passed me – now I was smiling!!!!!

Tree Woman - Jeremiah 31:13

  This picture totally exemplifies me; a mother in mourning trying to live again; the tree woman is dead on one side and alive and blooming on the other.  My dear friend Tina purchased this picture for me.  It was created by an artist in her church.  So thankful for such a precious gift and the blessing of her friendship.

The last 24 hours has been a challenge for me; grief once again nipping at my heels.  Blessings and messages have been coming through so strong.  Yesterday, I glanced over and saw in big letters on a license plate the word "Jay".  Then Jay's best friend sent me a picture of Jay's memorial where they had placed beautiful aqua blue orbs in memory of Jay's crystal blue eyes and solar lights; my Jay is loved.  Then today, the repair man for my dishwasher spoke of his grandson and showed me a picture.  My heart said; ask what his name is for I knew it would have something to do with Jay.  It did; we call him JJ he said - omg I said out loud JayJay is one of  my son's nicknames.  Then Tina sends me this picture of the painting she bought for me; comfort in a storm.

 My God sends me comfort when the sorrow paralyzes me on this journey called "grief".

Bible Verse: Jeremiah 31:13

I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.

The Lesson Of The Butterfly

Today I heard this story in Church and I thought of all the parents that have lost a child and their struggles with grief.

"A man spent hours watching a butterfly struggling to emerge from its cocoon. It managed to make a small hole, but its body was too large to get through it. After a long struggle, it appeared to be exhausted and remained absolutely still.

The man decided to help the butterfly and, with a pair of scissors, he cut open the cocoon, thus releasing the butterfly. However, the butterfly’s body was very small and wrinkled and its wings were all crumpled.

The man continued to watch, hoping that, at any moment, the butterfly would open its wings and fly away. Nothing happened; in fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its brief life dragging around its shrunken body and shriveled wings, incapable of flight.
 
What the man, in his kindness and haste did not understand, was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required to get through the tiny opening were God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings. It would then be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

I immediately thought that the cocoon was such a strong symbolism for the grief of a parent.  In the beginning all is dark; we are frozen in time, existing but not really alive.  But slowly and when we are ready: emerge from our dark exhausting state of being called grief.  As grieving parents we push through - laboring through the many stages of grief; fighting to get back to the living.  Then one day and only in our due time, for there is no rushing grief; we hear ourselves laugh, hear the birds sing and learn to live again.

God Bless all parents who have lost a child.

Refection
"So do not fear, for I am with you: do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."